Naked Love

Nick and I had a good time. I did learn this trip that he and I could never be together. Not that I was secretly hoping for it, but when you're in bed and you wake and find him on the other side, you do begin to wonder.

During those night hours, when he would find me on my side of the bed and he would roll and wrap his arms around me, I felt nothing. I didn't sigh, I didn't sleep better, I didn't even think I wish I had this all the time. I don't know if I felt this way because it was Nick, or if I generally don't need a man.

Snuggling used to be one of my favorite things. I loved being the big spoon and wrapping myself around a man's back. I loved smooshing my face into his skin until I can barely breathe. I loved knocking his legs apart so I can squeeze one of mine in between so my knees don't touch. For the first time ever, I didn't feel that.

I'm okay with not feeling that.

During a conversation we had Saturday night, Nick explained his Buddhist beliefs. He said he didn't believe in attachment to anything because everything is fleeting. If you attach yourself to anything, you're setting yourself up for pain.

I thought I was cynical.

"But don't you want love? Soul baring love?" I asked.

"Yes, but you have to understand that everything changes. Tomorrow you will not be the person you are today. You have to love in the moment, not the future or the past."

I looked down at my beer: it was beginning to get warm. I guess I do want love, soul baring love. I want attachment and someone who will miss me when I'm not around. Nick was good enough for this weekend, but he's not good enough for life.

Funny, I always thought he was the better one of the two.