Sarah Answers, Part 5 of Bazillion

Nic asked, "How can we become satisfied with ourselves so that we never lose ourself in someone else again? How do we begin to be happy with ourself? So that we know we are giving our all (in a relationship) but not giving too much."

First off, thanks for waiting. Secondly, thanks for having the enough faith in me to think I know the answers to these questions. I have lost myself in a relationship twice. I loved him and therefore wanted to make him happy, but somehow the lines got blurred. Or maybe he took advantage of it. Or both.

But both times I ended up a puddle of self-loathing. I am such a vivacious person that I couldn't believe I'd allowed myself to stop being that. This happened for the second and last time a little over a year ago.

Become selfish. Find what makes you happy and pour yourself into it. I always loved dance, so I started taking ballet classes again. Before you think I whiz my way around the stage-- I have rhythm, but terrible balance. And I can't jump for shit. But I go every week and do it because I like it, and that has earned me the respect of the rest of the class.

These things are called "hobbies" and they also make you look more interesting when you do start dating again ;) I love watching men's eyes dazzle when I say yoga.

Dr. Phil loves to ask his patients how much effort each person should put into a relationship. They usually respond 50%. This is the moment Dr. Phil likes to laugh and say that if you're not giving 100%, then it's not going to work.

This is a bunch of bullshit.

I wish I knew what to tell you, Nic, but I don't. My current modus operandi is tit for tat dating: I put forth as much effort as he does. And we all can see how well this isn't working. But I also know that me trying harder won't change a thing.

When I read He's Just Not That Into You, I put the book down and cried. I don't know if you've read it, but it ends on such a low note. Truth is that there aren't many nice guys out there. Not all nice girls will end up with nice boys, much less a boy at all. It's the terrifying but sad truth. "Everyone-- if they tuly believe it and are open to it-- will find a good person to love. I don't believe that's true," Liz writes. "I can give you incredibly valid arguments, backed up with statistics, flow charts, and diagrams, for why my pessimism is the more realistic outlook to have."

Our gender isn't making it easier. We've shot ourselves in the face with feminism. Yeah we can have sex like men, but do we want to? And why would men want to try when women are just throwing themselves at them? Why would a man ever need to commit when women say it's okay to sleep with them but not date them?

Be Honest: You're Just Not That Into Him Either ends on a much higher note. He says that in giving up on love and remaining single and not settling for some badly behaving loser, we actually win Charlie's Chocolate Factory. "You wised up. You don't believe in happily every after anymore. You know the golden ticket was a sham... you've been through so much you're a candidate for a permanent Purple Heart," the writer analogizes. "So here you are, pissed off, defeated-- and ready to leave your Everlasting Gobstopper of Love of the table and walk away... All those times you lowered your standards and were tempted to settle? You didn't... You didn't give up, not completely." In short, single people can't get divorced.

Just focus on youself. Become selfish. Become happy. If love comes again, great. If not, at least you're happy with yourself.

I'm interested in anybody else's opinion on this topic, because now I'm pretty fuggin' depressed.