~Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I need a little patience. And a lot of other stuff.

I think my heart is too big for me. I wish I could take a little of my heart and good nature and convert into, oh I don't know, breast size. My cup does not runneth over.

Because of my too big heart, I often help people that I probably shouldn't. When I was in college, I held a supervisory position at a telemarketing company and was in charge of hiring, training, and monitoring about 50 people. The girl Conor left me for needed a summer job so I gave her one. I didn't know at the time that she hated me because I was Conor's ex. I, in the meantime, was trying to stay on her finicky good side because Conor was still a friend of mine even after the breakup.

The biggest sin one could commit while working for a telemarketing company is to swear while on the phone. It's violates FCC regulations, which could result in a fine for the company, and is grounds for immediate termination. Conor's girlfriend didn't care and kept dropping the F-bomb on the phone. She said that she couldn't help herself, but here's the thing: she never swore outside of work.

After returning from a day off of work, several employees tell me that the girl just sat there and talked trash about me all day long. Me. The one who gave her a job. The one who excused her swearing not once, but twice. My supervisor had to step in on my behalf.

My supervisor later pulled me aside, "I thought you recommended her for the job because you know her personally."

"I do."

My supervisor, not happy, gave me a warning about who I recommend for jobs. That I'm attaching my name on her reputation. She did at least let me fire the horrible bitch.

Last week, I handed my current boss an application and a cover letter. "This is a friend of mine from college. He's a brilliant guy." And he is. I admired him for his writing for years before I met him as my then-boyfriend's roommate. He and I have since become really close friends. He's still living back at school and still working for said telemarketing company.

He had been asking me recently about technical writing positions, telling me that he had begun putting in applications for a Real Job.

"We actually have openings in my department," I said.

"Really? Well if this application I just put in doesn't pan out, do you mind giving a good word for me?"

"No problem."

So I handed in his application and answered what questions my boss had about him. I called him yesterday and gave him the scoop. "She has your resume. I explained to her about the job situation up at school, so she understands why you have a lot of jobs in a short period of time. Listen, she's in her best mood in the morning, so call up tomorrow morning and be really energetic and positive. Say, 'I'm so excited to talk to you regarding the position. When can I come in?'"

"Okay, I'll do it tomorrow on my break at 10 AM."

"Good deal."

I watched the phones all morning; he never called. He has already put in his two weeks notice at his other job and hasn't even bothered to call to follow up yet. It took me fours months of unemployment to find this job, and here I am handing him a $10,000 salary increase and he can't be bothered to call.

I complained to my father that I've had to work so hard for everything, but it seems like other people just get handed opportunities.

"Honey Bun, you are the most generous person I know. Tell me how you spent your Saturday again."

"Ugh, Dad, I already told you. I spent it at the animal shelter. Then I stopped by a homeless men's shelter to donate some sweaters."

"All you do is give to other people. One day this will come back to you and reward you. You are creating good karma for yourself."

Really? When? Because I'm out of patience. I'm tired of giving to people who perhaps don't deserve it (I'm not referring to the dogs or the homeless). I worked hard to get this job. My rent is going up $100 a month. I haven't been on a date this year. My friends are being fucktards. I have a pimple on my chin. The OC is being canceled after a comeback season. I haven't gotten laid in almost 3 months.

Where the fuck are my puppy dogs and rainbows?


Miss Natalie said...

*warning: i'm in a negative place at the moment*

Karma doesn't work! I've done many many many good things in my life and nothing back.

At least you have a job. At least you have a place of your own that you can keep a dog. You may not have had a date this year (neither have I) i feel like crap seeing my ex-fiance now that he's getting married - i broke up with him. I've had a major falling out with 3 of my friends.

i need something good to happen

Vince said...

Doing something good for someone shows who you are, and that is regardless of the result.

I had started a long essay on the why and wherefore, but I've cut it out just to leave you with that one very important point.

Do not stop showing who you are because someone else has shown who they are.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say because I do believe in Karma, but unfortunately Karma doesn't work in our timing. I would just say learn from your mistakes, and don't let the world change your good heart.. it's a blessing not a curse.

Sarah said...

Natalie- Ugh, I hear you. Karma doesn't work. I'm having a bit of a pity party here myself, but you helped put things in perspective. I hope your friends thing works out; we're too old for that kind of drama!

Vince- Do not stop showing who you are because someone else has shown who they are.

That is some very good advice. Thank you.

Angel Girl- Gah! What's the point in Karma if it doesn't work in our timing!

general_boy said...

Sarah... I thought we were your little rainbows! :P

Nah, I really relate to this... and I know the point where you say "why are lazy idiots being handed opportunities when I bust my arse and get squat".

That doesn't mean you have to stop giving to those you think are genuinely in need... and actually value you a lot more. Maybe it's all about focusing your kindness, I dunno.

I don't think you do it for karma... I think you do it because you generally have empathy and the sincere desire to improve the lot of those less fortunate.

It's a most admirable trait, and I have a great deal of time for people who posess it. :)

pinkjellybaby said...

it will come i promise!

M said...

I often feel like this. After all, I'm a teacher! ugh.

Bluesoup said...

Sarah hun, if it's any consolation you're not alone. I am also totally fucked off with most of the world at the moment for taking the piss out of my generosity. The only way I keep going sometimes is trying to persuade myself that being a good person means that - in the end - I'll make something more of my life than they will. In the end is the key bit here. I mean, it does often seem like life is always hard when I try and do something like moving or getting a new job or being in a relationship and it always feels like other people have it on a plate - but maybe that is their one opportunity and I just hacne't had mine yet?

Ah sheesh, I dunno what I am talking about!

Chin up! x

Sarah said...

General Boy- LOL! Y'all are my puppy dogs and rainbows!!!! I think I would seriously be rolling around in a straitjacket in some mental institution if it wasn't for this blog.

I guess I don't do it for the Karma. Hmm, that makes me a little pompous and self-entitled, thinking I deserve more.

Pinky- I'm holding you to it!

M- You probably feel that way more than I do. Deservingly so, too.

Blue Soup- I have to wait until the end? Waaaah! Maybe it's a blogger thing. I don't know of any bloggers who write things like, "A $10,000 raise fell into my lap, but I can't be bothered making a phone call after a friend personally vouched for me."

And if I did, I'd probably slap them upside the head.

Jen said...

I hear you Sarah. Although I have to say that things are looking pretty good in my life...for a change. Your time will come. Just don't stop doing those generous things. Especially for the animals and the homeless...

Sarah said...

I agree with you. Things aren't bad, they're just inconvenient.


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