~Saturday, February 10, 2007

Meh.

E called me last night. She had found out that I was still upset with her and that I was going out with a friend to help make me feel better. She knew I was out and yet she called me, not to apologize, but to yell at me.

"You knew I was out, did you really call me just to yell at me?"

"I didn't think you'd pick up the phone."

I'm not that kind of friend, I thought. I wouldn't ignore someone. What kind of person does she think I am, her kind?

She wanted me to call her today so we could talk, but that phone call just pushed me over the edge. After last night, I turned my phone off and have yet to turn it back on. I just need a break. I need a break from everything.

To be honest, I haven't thought about her much at all and I'm not quick to make up with her. The more I think about what she did, the angrier I get. I have never had a friend do that to me before in my life. Even my enemies had the courtesy to do that kind of stuff behind my back and not slap me in the face with it. She said she knew it would make me upset and she did it anyway; that makes her actions intentional.

Besides this blog, I am now without any form of support system. My dog was nice to me today, but that may or may not have something to do with the bones I've been feeding her all day. I feel like I'm going through a break-up, except that I missed out on all the good stuff. The chest pains are back. These are inevitably followed by panic attacks. In place of mourning, however, is a severe bout of apathy. I don't care about anything right now.

Except maybe wine. And Uncle Buck on repeat.

23 comments:

Cain said...

((hugs))

~~Take care. Take a rest. relax, without thinking about anything @ all for a while.

xx,Cain.

Vince said...

You do need me to come down there, don't you? Alright, what are you going to show me for my GA adventure?

:-)

Two Drink Girl said...

You know you can always call me. I don't have to work until 7pm your time tomorrow.

I'm here for the venting that needs to be done!

Amber said...

It sounds to me like E is jealous of you and she's trying to be like you, except she has a mean, nasty, selfish, streak in her that you do not.

Every situation has a choice that comes with it and sometimes, no matter how hard that choice may be to make - in the end, it is better for you. It's hard to close a door on a friendship, especially when you genuinely care about someone. But maybe that's what you need to do for a while?

Relationships, including friendships, are about GIVE and TAKE. She is doing all of the taking and giving nothing back. After she sucks you dry, what do you have left for yourself? For other people that are more deserving?

She has shown her true colors to you. Not in this one incident, but in countless of her past dealings with you. How can you be a friend to someone that doesn't want to be a friend back?

Perhaps someday she will realie the error of her ways, but for now... you have to look out for #1. You've told her how you feel, she's made it clear that she acknowledges that, but doesn't care. Close the door, move on, and maybe somewhere down the line, she'll come out a new door as a better person.

You reap what you sow. If she cannot invest the caring, kindness, etc. that goes into a friendship, she's not going to have friends.

THIS is not your problem. She has some hard lessons to be learned but that is on her.

You just hold your head high and know you did everything you could to be there for her and to be a good friend.

Sending the best of thoughts your way. And if you need someone to talk to, you know how to reach me. I'll be around for the next few days. :)

M said...

what a bloody shambles. I hope you can work it out - I've had a few run ins with friends that came good in the end - then again I've had a few that have resulted in the bitter ending of a friendship. You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em - so they say.

Sometimes the blog really IS a support. I know from when I was feeling so very low and horrible last year people who visited my blog and emailed me made me feel like I had little angels or something watching over and wouldn't let me forget that no I wasn't totally alone.

so here is me tapping you on the shoulder - you are not alone (but Uncle 'Buck Melanoma Moley Russel's Wart' is very cool though).

dont eat token said...

I chuckled when you mentioned you'll be watching Uncle Buck. Dane Cook in his video horizon job "get in on the bright and dust off the Uncle Bucks."

Do whatever it is to make yourself feel better. The "I know this will make me feel better TomoRRow kind of better."

The apathy thingie strikes me all too often. Last year it sent me to the coast of Texas!

I'm getting chest pains too. I tried going to bed 3 hours ago. Hi anxiety attack, back so soon? I took you out tonight and you had fun, can't you just go the fuck away?

Feel better. I insist.

James said...

x :-)

copasetic fish said...

oh darling, i can totally relate. sometimes, it really is just better to cut your losses and run. and the blogosphere will ALWAYS be here to support you. you guys have certainly gotten me through my fair share of rough times.

Jen said...

She called to yell at you??? Oh. My. God. Sounds like E needs to get a hobby...

Sarah, you deserve so much better than that. I know it is difficult but letting a friend who is not acting like a real friend go is better than constantly being abused.

Hugs.

Indiana said...

Sometimes, with some people the best you can be is true to yourself and just let the "freindship" go...because it never really was to begin with.

Had this happen last week, so I feel for you.

Sarah said...

Cain- Thanks

Vince- I can show you what winters are like without snow. I can show you what a weenie I am when it comes to cold. It'll be 40 degrees out and I'll be visibly shaking. I can't show you my friends because I don't have any anymore.

TDG- I'm not in the mood for venting and admitting what a loser I am.

Amber- I just don't have a lot of close friends, so there aren't many people for me to turn to. That's what sucks the most, not losing her, but not having anyone else.

M- That's because you're such a truly awesome person who has made me smile and laugh countless times!

I know Uncle Buck by heart. The tape is wearing thin from so much use, just like my Christmas Vacation tape.

DET- I'm glad I'm not the only person that gets them. I never got them before a year an half ago, but I guess all that stress builds up.

James- Thanks.

Copasetic Fish- I find the blogosphere bittersweet. It's great to have a network of people stand by your side, but it's a shame that the people who know you in real life can't do the same.

Jen- Yup. She found out there was a blog post about her and it angered her. Whatevs, I didn't call her names and stated the situation very objectively. I believe the only reason she wanted me to call her the next day was so she could feel less guilty about screwing me over before her big date. I refuse to give her that kind of satisfaction.

Indiana- Thanks. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who loses friends and it is a very difficult thing.

general_boy said...

Sarah, all I'll say is I have been in the place you are a couple of times before - and I don't really know if there is anything anyone could have said that would have pulled me out of it. I was angry for letting myself get there - and that was despite a support structure of friends and family - and that only makes you feel more hopeless.

The "numbness" you cite is not a good thing - I hope there is someone you can talk about this with ( and yes, that includes professionals ) and get things in perspective.

You are bang-on with your observation of the "bittersweet" blogoshpere - from the other side of the world there's only so much we can do. I just hope knowing that people identify with your situation, and have pushed through it, gives you some comfort.

You have had a shakey start to the year, but the likes of E have not helped. I hope you find your feet soon. Keep us posted. :)

Phil said...

What Amber said but here is the shorter version.

You good.

E is poop.

dont eat token said...

Hey, seriously, if you dare visit MN (the buildings have heat...) I would be more than happy to have some wine and watch Uncle Buck with you.

:)

Scorpy said...

Welcome to my world :)
Note to self: Buy a dog and bribe it for friendship

Two Drink Girl said...

You are NOT a loser. She's the loser. That's what we'd vent about. You could say "I hate the sky" and I could say "Yeah, Fuck the sky!" :-)

Kate said...

wow. i just went back and read your last few posts.

this girl is not your friend.

i'm sorry, hun.

Walter said...

Losing a friend, even a lousy one, will be emotionally poignant. The fact you're feeling something akin to a break up only proves how good a friend E is losing.

James said...

Just popped over to see how you're getting on - hope you're feeling a bit better. x

Sarah said...

General Boy- I spent a couple of days wallowing. Now it's time to get back up :)

Phil- That's enough poop talk out of you!

DET- Could we quote it together? "Wait! But Don't! Let me! But I! Awwwww!"

Scorpy- Dogs are easily bribable. Some don't require any, but my dog does not fall in that category.

TDG- Ah! I HEART you! Fuck the sky!

Kate- Anyone who would chose dinner with a stranger over my feelings is not my friend. I only wish I had figured this out a year or so ago.

Walter- Thanks! That was nice!

James- I am, thanks :)

Lil Bit said...

Damn, there must be something in the water cuz I JUST went thru something kinda sorta similar at the end of last week.

What's going on, cosmos? LOL

general_boy said...

Good to hear Sarah. :)

Sarah said...

Lil Bit- Omigosh, I am so sorry you went through that too. It blows.

General Boy- :)

 

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