~Friday, April 13, 2007

Unloading

I lasted until Sunday morning. When Jack referred to my affection as "clingy" and then changed the subject to how he can't sleep in the same bed as me, I began to cry.

When he noticed, Jack did a 180 and wrapped his arms around me and asked me what was wrong.

"It's just so hard."

"What is?"

"Living with the burden of everything I've done wrong," I sniffed. I told him how I tried to not let it get to me, but the constant criticism has worn me down. I explained that it wasn't this morning in his bedroom in particular, but something I've been carrying for over a week, festering.

Jack was immediately remorseful. "You're absolutely right; I've been a real jerk." He laid on his back and ran his hand up and down my shoulder.

"You just gotta mix things up. Add some good things in there. Tell me when I'm doing something right."

He paused for thought, "I'm not good at building people up."

"It's not about building someone up; it's about not completely annihilating someone. There's a difference."

"I'm good at dating. I'm not good at this relationship stuff." Jack said it like admitting it would keep him from being accountable. That saying that he's not good at relationships gives him permission to be. I didn't verbalize any of this. I wish I had.

We talked for a few more minutes, but never really got any further than I was validated for being hurt by his words. I hate awkward conversations where I sit around the campfire and talk about myself and my feelings.

"I'm over this conversation. Are you over it? I'm over it."

"So what now?"

"What now is that I'm finally going to learn to tickle you. Which one's the webbed foot?" And I pounced.

10 comments:

general_boy said...

No dammit, he should be building you up. Continue with the training, and report on your progress in a week or so. :)

PS I watched "the woman with two legs" last night. Almost forgot how funny it was. Almost...

dont eat token said...

I'm glad he understood you enough to apologize.

James said...

He needs to try harder, really he does!

londongirl said...

Oh hon. This really makes me sad.

I feel like he's just not the right man for you - but I hope the training works.

Kate said...

what a jerky response. i ahte when you're trying to get something across and the other person is either being completely oblivious intentionally or really a dumbass and you give up because there's no getting through. that's so frustrating.

Indiana said...

I would say that the fact that this early in seeing him you are already struggling to get your needs met is very telling...be careful babes.

Phil said...

This sounds harsher than I mean to be but maybe the reason why he's no good at relationships is women figure out that underneath the inital charm there's not much of a man.

Thinking of you Sar.

Sarah said...

General Boy- Should he be building me up? I'm beginning to think it's been so long since I've been in a relationship that perhaps I don't know what I'm doing either.

Don't Eat Token- Yeah, it didn't become a fight or anything, he just straight up apologized. Partially redeemed himself.

James- I didn't know how to phrase that: that he could be better at compromise without changing, but every way I thought of saying it sounded lame.

London Girl- I don't think he is either.

Kate- Yeah! He totally turned it around on himself!!

Indiana- But doesn't it mean that if I'm not getting my needs met, I'm putting too much into it? I should just expect less.

Phil- I see it. I wonder how many others before me saw it because he seems to be the one always breaking up with them.

mel said...

you should never have to lessen your needs - if he can't meet them, he's not the right guy - there is someone out there who will meet every one of your needs and be happy to do so

Indiana said...

NO!!! Don't expect less, find a better man.

 

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