~Monday, April 16, 2007

Need(y)ing

The following Thursday Jack began the phone call with, "I have something to tell you and it's going to make you upset."

I felt my whole body clench tight in anticipation of whatever that was going to make me upset. I felt like whatever it was, I had to prove him wrong.

"I don't want to go to your birthday party."

I actually breathed a sigh of relief. Yeah, we were going to have yet another ridiculous conversation, but this I could live with. "Okaaaaaaay."

"You're not upset?"

"No."

"It's just that any time anyone brings it up, something rubs me the wrong way. I'm just getting a bad feeling about it. Your theme party is just too coupley for me. I feel that if I went, I would not have a good time."

"Well, if my choices are you going and dragging me down or you not going at all, I'd prefer it if you didn't come. It's just like the roadtrip a month ago: you can come, you can not come--either way I'll be going and I'll be having a good time." Then I mentally added, I've been going to parties for 26 years before you. I can go another 26 years. "I don't need you to go for me to be apart of something."

I was honestly okay with him not coming. I mean, I thought it was shysty the boy wasn't going to my birthday party thrown by our mutual friends, but given the alternative--him going and pouting the entire time--and me already knowing exactly what that's like, I know I would have a better time if he just wasn't there. I was right when I said it the first time: I don't need Jack.

I don't know if my surprising reaction served as the catalyst, but Jack let the floodgates open. Since our first date, we'd been planning to see Blades of Glory together. It released the previous weekend and he decided to push it back until this weekend. When I asked if we were seeing the movie the following night, Jack said he wasn't sure yet. He didn't feel like thinking about it right now.

"Okay, well if we didn't see it tomorrow, would we try for Saturday or just another time?"

"Why are you trying to get me to commit?"

"I'm not asking your five-year plan! I am just trying to see if we're going to see the movie this weekend. I'm just requesting information, that's all. Sometimes I feel like you think I'm going to do the 'girl' thing and trap you into a secret wrong answer that will get you in trouble; I'm not. I'm just trying to plan my weekend."

Jack at least admitted that he did feel that way and then proceeded to launch into an entire speech about how we shouldn't expect to see each other every weekend.

Only Jack has no tact, so instead he said, "Just plan on not seeing me unless I call you."

He also used the phrase, "I don't care" a lot.

Then he said he felt like I have this expectation that he has to call every night, and he does, but sometimes he doesn't feel like it. "Obviously I do like talking to you or else I wouldn't call at all," he finished.

"Jack! I'm not the one calling you! You call me! How am I getting into trouble for something I'm not doing?!"

"You're not in trouble. I just feel like you have this expectation."

"Well I don't. I mean, I enjoy that you call. It makes me feel good. But it is perfectly acceptable and valid to not call every night." For the record, I've actually mentioned that before.

We got off the phone and I kept staring at the screen, wondering how the hell that happened. I could have handled any one of those objections separately. Maybe even two of them. But that was an awful lot of rejection for one phone call.

The phrase that hurt me the most, however, was when he said that maybe I'd meet someone at the party. It sounded like he wanted to pass me off. I felt so cheap.

I never let on for a second to Jack about how hurt I began to feel as the call progressed; I handled it like a champ. But now that the call was over, his careless words began to sink in: I don't want to go to your party, I don't want to see you, and actually, I don't want to talk to you either.

I was angry; he knows how hard it was for me to trust him. The panic attacks and the crying, but he kept pushing. He knew fully well what he was doing--there was no room for confusion--and he kept barreling through. A man has the right to change his mind, but I wish he could give it an honest chance first.

I'm not going to let him annihilate me. I can play the game. He wants to run away, I'm going to let him. I don't need him. I honestly don't.

I don't want things to become issues and I don't want to talk about my feelings. I'm going to see the damn movie by myself just so I don't give him the chance to disappoint me. He doesn't care, so neither will I.

Oh god, this sucks. I allowed myself to trust him and the tears just kept coming. He's just a boy. He's just a stupid boy. But he's a stupid boy who I thought would be different. I was the stupid girl who trusted the stupid boy.

And I dealt with things the only way I knew how: I grabbed the bottle of vodka out of the freezer and a single shot glass and I sat down on my couch and began to pour.

22 comments:

Indiana said...

Don't call him, don;t take his calls, freeze his arse out of your life...in other words my 2 cents...dump him and NEXT...

Phil said...

To borrow a phrase from a friend, you're right he has been treating you like a Sometimes Girl and you don't need him.

I was the stupid girl who trusted the stupid boy.

I disagree. There is nothing stupid about you.

You trusted him until he started acting stupid. You called bullshit and are revaluating accordingly. That's all smarty in my books.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for some time, and am saddened to hear about this latest development in your love life. I agree with "Indiana" that you need to DUMP Jack ASAP. I can just see you years from now going to parties alone in order to avoid his pouty moody fits. You need to believe that you deserve better and DEMAND it. If you love yourself enough you will not let him talk down to you and make you feel bad. I wish you luck!

copasetic fish said...

your jack sounds just like my J. i can definitely relate to the mind-fuckery.

The Dauntless Dater said...

That sucks Sarah. I'm sorry.

blue soup said...

Babe, chuck him the hell away... You are pretty, clever, eloquent. You don't need this bollocks. HE has the problem here. He's not "just being a man" or anything - he has serious issues with respect and his own confidence demonstrated by his need to make you feel unimportant etc. You gave it a good shot, you gave him a chance. Kick his sorry ass to the kerb, wash your hair, put your face on and go to see the movie. Wake up next day and start over. You've handled this expertly, you are far from stupid. Of course, it is very easy for me to say all this, I am not the one who has to do it. But I think you have it in you. I'm not just being nice - it really is HIM, and nothing to do with YOU. xxxx

pink jellybaby said...

sounds like he's being a total prat...sorry. tell him to sod off and tell him how he hurts you... then maybe he will realise. don't let him keep doing it to you xxx

M said...

okay, I never thought I'd say this but I totally agree with Indy. ;)

plus I think you totally SHOULD have expectations. What's with the no expectations of calling? What are you, strangers? Is he throwing you a bone here? Nope, that line is bullshit.

Anonymous said...

how old is this guy? he displays all the emotional intelligence of a twelve year old kid. what a complete and utter shit. dump this preening mofo.

londongirl said...

I'm with bluesoup. This is not just man behaviour. This is fuckwittage. This is him behaving disgracefully to you. He insults you. Then says he didn't mean it. Well I don't care. He still said it, it still hurt you, and that's not acceptable.

He's manipulative and is breaking you down, little by little.

Yes, he's sometimes lovely. That's how he's sucked you in. But whether or not he's nice occasionally is not the point. He's nasty to you. Regularly. And you deserve more than that.

You deserve a man who WANTS to be with you. Who doesn't freak out if you ask him to go to the cinema.

Please please step AWAY from Jack. He is hurtful and is making you doubt yourself. You've lovely and clever and fun. You don't need to spend your life trying to double-guess what he'll say and how he'll twist your words to try to make out that you meant to trap him or somesuch nonsense.

Good luck. Surround yourself with great friends. Please! I've been through this. It doesn't get better. And the longer you put up with it, the more damage it does to you.

sermon over - sorry!!

Peach said...

Hey Sarah, you do it in your own way and own time, but whether you dump him or not, the point here (I reckon) is to find yourself and your self-esteem again - which he hasn't helped hang on to...It does sounds like your strength is coming back a bit ... and you WILL be fine without him ... you are not stupid to have trusted him, he's just not worthy... it really sounds like you're starting to see the light - so keep going...

Drama Queen said...

Sorry. You deserve so much better. I've said it before and will say again LOVE SHOULD NOT BE SO HARD. Especially not in the beginning.

Love should make you happy, Girl. Don’t waste any more of your time on this one when someone more deserving is just round the corner waiting for you to dump that loser.

I know there must be something there to keep you coming back, I just hope it is enough to outweigh all this crap. I really do.

Zach said...

Seriously...I know exactly what you meant by being passed off, and how cheap a move that is, and honestly, that's saying alot more than you think about how he thinks about you. In my opinion at least. And I think that if you look back on just that tiny snippet a week, a month, or even a year from now, it's still going to be one line that rings true, and continues to sting.

But hopefully things turn out better.

Kate said...

he's an ass. dump him. you deserve better than someone making you feel like this. he obviously needs to grow up and figure out what he wants in life.

Miss Frou Frou said...

Sarah, I've been reading for awhile, but not commenting... this sounds very familiar... I had my own 'Jack' and will agree with peach, you'll do what you need to do in your own way and in your own time. Sometimes we need to stay, for however long we need to... and then suddenly we realise we don't need to anymore. I used to say to him we were on a merry go round, and he'd say - so are you going to get on another horse. Until finally I said, nope, I'm getting off the ride altogether, and surprised the hell out of both me and him by doing exactly that... I suddenly realised he no longer had the power to hurt me...

Sask Mom said...

I'm sorry, your birthday party? Thrown by mutual friends? And he doesn't FEEL like he should go? Thinks it will be too "coupley"? I don't get it. When you are with someone, and it is right, they WANT to spend every minute with you, they should want to celebrate special occasions with you.

My hubby, who I have been separated from for about two years, was somewhat like that. Our situation was different, but one of our biggest issues was the fact that he never wanted to be seen with me in public, and never wanted to take me anywhere. He "just couldn't have fun with me". It was bullshit and we have finally worked through that, and he realizes he was wrong (HAH!). However, if Jack is starting out the relationship like this, he is a rotter. Throw him out. Or tell him to get help, he has issues.

Walter said...

You'll probably get upset at me for asking, but is Jack's last name "Ass"? As you can read I'm a little taken aback that he's not going to your birthday party.

James said...

So sorry Sarah - you deserve so much better. His behaviour is disgraceful; he should be ashamed. Better will come, I'm sure of it.

dont eat token said...

:(

You're a real girl. Not a stupid girl.

The feelings of game playing suck.

No matter what progresses, you need to remember how awesome and talented and loving you really are. He doesn't have the power to take that away from you.

XO

brea said...

Fuck I don't like this dude. Not even a little bit.

general_boy said...

Sorry... I really don't know what his problem is. But believe me, the problem is his.

I don't know what advice to offer in the face of such negative re-inforcement. All I can say is I think you deserve better... and hard though it might be to believe right now, better is out there. :)

Monk said...

Long time reader, first time commentor.
I see it as Jack is laying the ground work for his exit. There are things people do to sabotage relationships. Why? Each person has their own reasons, maybe he met someone new, maybe he doesn't want you this close, maybe it's a sick little test. Does it matter WHY he does it or only that he's done it.

There are base expectations in every relationship. Primarily respect for each other. To me, Jack has not only disrespected you, he has intentionally said words to hurt you. Regardless of if he'd admit it or not, Jack KNOWS what to say to get your brain spinning. He KNOWS what buttons will injure you the most. The choice and decision to push those buttons was done to be hurtful.

My question is - what was his goal in saying and acting in such a hurtful way? What is his desired outcome of this phone conversation? If you pose that to him, please let us know the answer!! (I think I already know though)

 

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