~Saturday, June 09, 2007

The friggin end

To try to reconnect, Jack and I set up a date for Sunday. 2:30 on Sunday afternoon I gave Jack a call. Jack didn't answer and Sunday went by uneventfully.

It didn't bother me that he didn't answer the phone nor returned my message. I can put up with a lot shit, but once I hit my threshold, I usually just want out of the relationship instead of trying to repair it. I had exceeded my tolerance level when Jack went to the movies with another girl. No, it wasn't a date, but one day it would be and I wanted to prevent being the girl sitting at home on a Friday night while her friends update her via text message about the date.

Tuesday I sent Jack a text message. "Call me tonight. It's time we talk." We need to talk means either one of two things: we're breaking up or we're pregnant. I assumed Jack knew which one it was.

It was important for me to end things with him civilly. We had about 12 friends in common and frequent the same stomping grounds. We will run into each other and for the sake of our friends, I didn't want to make it more awkward than it already had to be. Besides, it's important for me to man-up and end things with class.

Jack didn't give me that opportunity.

Because Jack never called.

Jack did, however, publish a blog post about me:

That fucking asshole. He knew I wanted out so he avoided calling me and then posted this on the Internet for everyone to read. The night I yelled at Jack I told him how I did not like being made a fool out of, and that's exactly what he did. All of our mutual friends would read this about me. Humiliation washed over me and I began to cry.

Jack was right: he wasn't who I thought he was. I thought we could end this properly. I thought he had enough respect for me to do that.

He didn't. I had spent the past few months building a website for him. He kicked out my access rights, deleted all of my work, and then put up a generic template with "This site is being designed by people who give a damn."

For someone who clearly didn't care about me, he sure went out of his way to hurt me. He destroyed my self-esteem while we were together by telling me things like I wasn't qualified to attend his literary society meetings. One time we were walking up a flight of stairs hand in hand and he yanked my arm down because he thought I was walking too fast. The arm jerk made me lose my balance and I almost tumbled down the stairs. The last month he didn't even see me unless it was to meet over his website--he had begun to use me and he didn't even try to hide it.

And now I get that posted on teh Intarwebs: he could have feelings for me; he just doesn't want to.

He couldn't even let me have enough dignity to end things with him first. He stripped that from me as well.

"Dating isn't about winning or losing," a friend tried to console me.

"You know what? Sometimes it is!" I shot back. I needed my dignity; it's the only thing I have to hold onto. I can't remember the last time I felt so utterly worthless. He wouldn't touch me when we worked on his website, making me feel ugly. He wouldn't invite me to his meetings because he thought I didn't have the right mind frame, making me feel stupid. I needed my dignity.

So I didn't tell anybody about the blog post outside a trusted friend. As much as I wanted to leave the comment, If you had taken the non-drowsy formula of your herpes medication and called me..., I pretended I never read it. And then I waited another week and called him.

"I can't do this anymore," I told him. "I just don't want to."

"You haven't been happy for awhile," he said, unaffected.

"I'm tired of feeling like a piece of crap."

"Why do you feel like a piece of crap?"

"You just make me feel so ugly and so stupid."

He dropped audibly, "That's not it." It was the only redeeming thing he said to me.

"I just feel like I did something wrong when you stand me up and don't return my calls. The person I'm dating shouldn't avoid me."

"I wasn't avoiding you; I just wasn't thinking about you. I'm very focused on myself right now." He paused, "I can't believe you would be so selfish to not let me think about myself."

He has a way of twisting things around that stuns me into stupidity and puts me on the defensive. "I didn't say that. I think it's good spending time on yourself."

"You just expect too much. You're always yelling at me."

"I yelled at you the one time. We haven't even spoken since. I said I wanted two things: for you to respond when you're invited to something and for you to return my phone calls. I don't think that's too much. And the fact you never called me when I said we needed to talk just reinforces things."

"It's too needy to expect a return phone call."

Once again, I was stunned into silence. I thought of everyone else in my life and how they call me back. Did I just have really extraordinary friends? Was this not normal behavior?

"I never treated you badly, you know," he said.

"I disagree with you."

"I know you do."

I thought of the time he play-slapped me in the face when I said something snarky in front of our friends. My mouth had dropped open at his audacity to even lightly strike in me in the face and he dared me, "Go on, get mad at me for no reason."

I wanted to be vindicated. I wanted him to admit, I really did treat you like a piece of shit and I'm sorry. But the longer the conversation circled, the more apparent it became that I would never hear that. I would never hear that because I think he might actually believe everything he says. And that thought terrifies me to my bones.

As he repeatedly put me on the defensive, I knew that I made the right decision by wanting out of the relationship. There was no other possible ending for us.

And he said I could have the friends. He doesn't respect them anyway.


winter said...

he is really such a jerk!!!! i feel so angry that he is treating a girl like this. *hugs*

take care girl. You are worth more than you think you are for him.

Amber said...

Oh. Wow.

He is the frog shit at the bottom of a very scummy pond.

Thank GOD he is out of your life.

We would have so much to talk about over a luncheon, lol.

Your dignity is not dependent on what he says/doesn't say or does/doesn't do. You know better - he is trying to justify himself and his actions. What a douchebag.

I think there's been enough emotional manipulation in this relationship. Don't give him the satisfaction of making you feel down on yourself when it's finally friggin over.

Keep your head up, sweetie. You're the best! :)

PS: You really do need to get back into blogging. I miss your regular posts :(.

Single Girl said...

I agree with amber, don't let your dignity be dependent on him. He's the one that's going to look like a major jackass by posting that about you. He is even more of a manipulative a-hole than I thought he was! Good riddance is all I have to say about him. He obviously has some serious emotional issues and I feel bad for the next girl he craps on. You should pull a Samatha from Sex and the CIty and paper the town with Jack's picture and a note not to date this guy. But, that's my nasty side coming through and it might be better to just move on and forget he ever existed and pretend like it was a bad dream!

Nomes said...

Babe. Better off without. I know it sounds hard. I know that blog entry of his is shit.

But, at the same time, consider this. Anyone who knows the pair of you who reads it will ALSO think that he is a selfish arse, who needs a slapping (certainly a more violent one than the tap he gave you - i could strike him for that...you just don't do it!).

You've maintained your dignity plenty, by not reacting to the posting (other than here). Don't give him the credit of knowing you're torn up about him hon, sit, lick wounds, get back into the fight and fight a good one.

Two Drink Girl said...

Excuse my language, but that motherfucker! He's lucky I live on the other side of the country, or he'd get a bitch slap from me...on more than one occasion. Like, I'd wait around corners for him.

OC said...

What a jerk! Sorry you had to deal with that... I dated someone with similar qualities last year and the best thing it did for me is I gained more respect for myself. I am worth more than that - and you are too.

Karen said...

New reader here and I have to say that you didn't deserve to be devauled. Obviously he's a coward to publish a posting just to beat you to the break-up punch, childish in the extreme. I agree with all the other (wise) commenters in that it's a good thing he's out of your life.

brea said...

What a piece of shit. That's all I have to say.

Anonymous said...

my initial reaction upon reading this was 'what a dick'.

As I sit for a few minutes I'm thinking he's very abusive and congratulations for having the courage and the strength in ending it. Sometimes we don't get the closure we want and that's one of the things we have to accept.

I can't wait to hear about the hat trick dates. PLEASE blog more, your entries are addicting!

Anonymous said...

"It's too needy to expect a return phone call."

he's an asswipe and you're better off.

Chelle Belle said...

I am two drink girl's friend and she has got me hooked on your blogs. You're a great writer. As for Jack, Wow. Sounds exactly like my ex. Complete loser. Don't worry, one day he'll wake up and realize how sad he is.

M said...

oh my god, what a DICK! And worse than that - he still doesn't think he is. That makes him even MORE of a dick. Plus he's totally passive aggressive - which also makes him a coward.

I can understand not being into someone anymore, hell we all go through that but to be such a baby about it and not face up to things - geez, is he 12 years old? Instead of writing it on his blog which he knows you read he could have, you know, called you up and talked to you like a MAN would and let things end nicely. But no, he was too cowardly. Eww, imagine if he was the father of your child or a husband or something like that - you'd end up just feeling ashamed and embarrassed about him. Better it's ended now and he can be someone elses problem.

I'm afraid that sometimes it IS like war and there are winners etc - and like war I guess if you let 'em know you're about to attack then they have time to come up with a defense plan. He came up with a doozy. If there is a next time with anyone else: stealth attack.

Bexxie said...

Jack the jerk off.

I really hope (for your own sanity) you do not waste anymore of your energy or time on this fucktard.

You seem like a gorgeous person who has a lot to give the RIGHT person. The right person is the one who will treat you with respect and dignity.

I wish you well :o)

Drama Queen said...

Don't like him. If only because he doesn't use CAPITAL LETTERS. And also because he's a tosser.

Peach said...

you got out ... hurray... the dignity is in the time now passing, don't feel you need to take dignity or find it somewhere, it's all yours already...

dont eat the token said...

Holy fuckin' shit. I'm so glad it's over. AND I'm so sorry it he unveiled himself so slowly.

You're an amazing woman and you dind't deserve any of that. Someone who respects you would allow you to have on and off days, speak your mind and treat you well. The fact that he didn't treat you with ANY respect in the end is just proof that he doesn't deserve you.

Big internet hugs to you from me and my cat. :)

I'm just shaking my head. Why do we always have to date THAT guy? Blech!

It's okay, he's total history and fodder for your amazing writing.


dont eat the token said...

PS those statements he made about "i know you do [think he treats you badly" and the selfish thing

ToTaL manipulation. I've seen it, I've done it (sorry, world).

Not you, never you, just him twisting his reality and those in it.

He's a sad sad person.

Sarah said...

Winter- The lines get blurred when a person who's supposed to care for you constantly tells you you're not good enough. I'm slowly getting my confidence back, with some help of some wonderful friends.

Amber- I just don't want the others to think less of me because of what he's doing.

Single Girl- I think you're right. He does have some serious issues. Like therapy-inducing issues.

Nomes- The blog post is shit! With a little time and distance it doesn't look that bad anymore, but at the time it was crushing. The people who have read it acknowledged what a shitty and hurtful thing it was.

Two Drink Girl- The worst part is, he doesn't think he did anything wrong! He's the victim!

OC- Yeah, I'm beginning to see the whole respecting myself now. Even at 26, I'm still learning about myself from relationships.

Karen- Hi! It is a good thing. I don't miss him at all. I just hate how he affected my self-esteem so thoroughly.

Brea- Yup.

M-joy- *Sigh* I really wanted that closure.

Kate- I know I am. I just wish I wasn't so down on myself.

Chelle Belle- I don't think he will. It's a scary thought.

M- Stealth attack! I looooooove it!

Bexxie- No more time on him. I promise :)

Drama Queen- HAHAHAHA! He's so arrogant he says he doesn't use capital letters so he'll keep himself grounded and not think too highly of himself!

Peach- Aw, that was sweet. Thanks!

Don't Eat the Token- That's a good point, I should be allowed off days! Manipulation is a good word for it. He's so confident with his version that it made me doubt myself. Funny thing is, when he's the most confident sounding is when he's the most unsure. I forgot that about him. That actually makes me feel A TON better.

Drama Queen said...

No way!!! That's what he said? Glad you got out of that one then.

Anonymous said...

Probably too late to comment, but...

I just found your blog a couple days ago, so I have the luxury of reading this after reading all that went before, in one (well, three) blocks.

And I have to say - when you started blogging about how he was criticizing you, it sounded EXACTLY like what you said about your ex-fiance - the alcoholic. You are a wonderful person, but you found the same guy again. And everything he did from that point on, just like the alcoholic. Go back and read that stuff again, it will be familiar.

And, here's the good part, chicka. You didn't take years to figure him out. You called him on his crap, and accurately.

So, next time, don't pick that guy.

Angela said...

OMFG, I had a similar thing happen with someone who claimed to not care as much as I had - even though he was the one to contact me, when I was more than ready to move on. When I got pissed at him, he had the gall to ask me if I could let go - that he wanted me to. I made the mistake of responding to him, when I should have left it alone two years ago - I was so much smarter when I didn't care if I had a man in my life. Of course, I was younger and prettier, and still being told that I had my whole life ahead of me, but I'd love to have that feeling back.

What a douche, honestly. I cried too much over this one idiot, and then he complains when I bitch about having wasted my time and emotions on him, so that I end up apologizing and consoling him - ugh. He was suddenly the victim, something he wouldn't allow anyone else to be.

Angela said...

I started reading your blog from the beginning, after hurting my back last weekend - I needed something to read to pass the hours. It's exhausting just reading it all. (Keeping in mind it's almost two year's worth of stuff I've crammed into six night). I really hope you find a good one soon - one who sticks around.


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