~Monday, July 16, 2007

Expectations

After the initial shock of the whole ordeal, I stopped crying. I packed all of Scott's things he had left into a bag and put it in the back of my closet. I threw my robe in the trash can. It was old enough and I've been needing a new one, and I knew I would think of the fight every time I saw the tear. His entire presence in my life had been removed within the hour.

I'm not used to fighting with someone and having him come back. When I fought with my mother like this a few years ago, we didn't speak for months. My father had left home even before I had a chance to fight with him. The time I yelled at Jack had effectively killed what was left of the relationship. I packed Scott's things because I didn't know what else to do.

I felt like a failure once again. I studied my bruises from my accident which still hadn't healed yet; the bruises lasted longer than my relationship. How pathetic.

The next night I heated up some dinner for one, set my TV tray in front of some very bad reality TV, and began to eat. There was a knock on my door and I raced to answer it. It was my neighbor coming by to pick up a package I kept for her. I knew she was coming by, but yet my chest still sank when I realized it wasn't Scott coming to work things out.

Being alone again wasn't terrible; it wasn't bad at all. It's the way I've lived my entire life and I just viewed things as getting back to "normal." Normal being alone. I stirred my potato soup and made a disgusted face at the TV.

Then there was another knock on the door. This one was much softer. I raced back to my front door and saw Scott's lanky figure in the hallway. Hurrah!

When he asked if he could come into my apartment, my chest sank again. I knew things were not okay. And when he asked if I had a minute, I took my dinner off the TV tray and put it away. I knew I would no longer be hungry.

I leaned in to kiss Scott. After leaning halfway up to him, I stopped. If he had to ask to come inside, he probably didn't want to kiss me. I felt foolish thinking otherwise. He leaned his head down and saw me tremble as I debated the kiss before slowly moving in for the peck.

The dog came out from under the bed and slowly approached Scott. She wagged her tail at the sight of him and submissively laid her ears back, her furry feet lightly padding at the floor. Scott reached his hand down to stroke her and she turned and looked at me.

"It's okay, dog."

"See? Momma said it was okay. Come here." She moved all the way up underneath him and wagged her tail some more.

I turned off the TV and Scott began with how we moved too fast with each other. He said he did that once before and the relationship didn't go very well. Unconsciously, I drew my legs up to my torso and moved the pillow in my leather chair to my chest, blocking my heart from Scott. I knew the words were coming. We moved too fast, I can't do this, blah blah blah. My first relationship in two years and it was over in under two weeks.

"We can still see each other. We just have to tone it down some," he finished. I must have made a weird face because he quickly added, "But I didn't even ask you how you feel."

I broke my contact with the floor and looked up at Scott. I think I cracked a smile or nodded because he continued without me speaking.

"I spoke to my boss about everything and he brought up one point that I can't shake. He asked if alcohol was involved in any of this and I said, 'Yes, in all of it.' He wouldn't even let me continue talking, he just said, 'Well there you go. That explains everything.' I can't stop thinking about it. We can't continue like this. One or two beers are okay, but getting hammered every night--it's just not good."

I couldn't believe what he was saying. When Katie came over to sit with me after the fight, she asked if there were any circumstances under which I think I could forgive him. I had said, "No more sex and no more alcohol." Not only has he reached the same conclusions, but he also put just as much thought into the relationship as I had. He said he didn't sleep at all Sunday night. He wants to take this seriously.

"I actually put some thought into that," I spoke up for the first time. "I've already cut myself off and I haven't had a drink since then," I gestured to my Diet Coke sitting where my dinner used to be. "I already decided no more alcohol."

"Well one or two is fine."

"Not for a month. I need to prove that I can do this."

"I don't fight like that, Sarah. The only person I ever fought like that was with my ex-wife. You and I fought like we had been married 20 years."

"I don't fight like that ever either," I mumbled.

"We fought before we knew how the other person responds," he continued. "Now that we know how each other works, let's use a code word so the other person will know to just stop so we don't ever hit that point again."

"Ha, like a safety word?"

"Exactly," he chuckled. "A word that isn't used very often so we recognize its use."

"I vote for 'banana hammock,'" I wanted to lighten the mood.

"We could use 'banana hammock,'" he said, not laughing quite like I wanted him to. "But this word is what I use, so let's use that."

"Okay."

Scott then asked for his phone charger and was surprised when I handed him the bag I packed his things in. He remarked at the bulk of it.

"Wait. Why is this already packed?"

"I didn't think you were coming back," I looked at the ground.

"Aw, it was just a fight. Couples have those."

It made me realize how new to this I really am.

He said we would do dinner soon and I walked him to the door. After initiating the first awkward kiss, I wasn't going to do it again so I was relieved when he extended an arm to hug me and kiss me.

16 comments:

Drama Queen said...

Couples have fights, yes. But not so sure that they have ones as big as yours. Certainly not in the early days. . .

. . .but you know where you guys are better than me.

When my mum died my brother and I went through a huge period of taking it out on each other. . .we got a code word, a word that made us laugh every time we heard to the point where the fighting seemed so stupid. He’s now one of my best friends so defo worked for us. . .

Good luck.

nicole said...

i hope that things go better from now on. it's good that he's putting thought and effort into the relationship. good luck!

Blue Soup said...

I know the drama of your relationship has been pretty intense and it's not what I would expect from the start (you remember what I said about Jack) but Scott seems much more committed. You've said how much thought he has put in, and that was lacking with Jack so I am rooting for you two to be great together and all that mushy stuff :) xxxx

SuvvyGirl said...

Well he at least learns from mistakes. Granted he seems to make some doozies (who doesn't) but he learns. He has a good heart and seems to have a good head on his shoulders. I think it will work out just fine.

=_= said...

This guy has more drama than you, are you sure you want to get yourself deeper into this mess, Sarah?

Drop him.

Anonymous said...

I’ve only just started reading this blog, so this is my first comment. I just have to say something. 2 weeks is NOT a relationship. Not after you pass the age of 16. Not only is this guys behavior way too full on, and after that fight, scary too, but your own thought processes are bizarre. What are you doing? Everything you have written about this guy screams controlling, possessive, needy. He physically hurt you. He left bruises. And you sit on the couch waiting for him to run back and apologize? Take from a girl who’s been there before and get away, now. You deserve better.

I would almost say you need to be alone right now, to work on your own self esteem a little.

*kb* said...

Sarah, I want to jump in and save you from these comments, but then I'd be playing my codependent role...so I won't. :) I trust you know what's best for you and I know I only get a small portion of your interactions with Scott here, so who am I to make judgements. Be strong and keep your chin up!! :)

Two Drink Girl said...

anonymous-The bruises were from a bike accident. As this is a heavy plot that you've come in the middle of, might I suggest you choose the label and read this story from the beginning?

And as for me, I say that this is a relationship. Not a long one, but one. You've been hurt and you have a right go slow and take these things as they are. Chin up, I'm by your side no matter what.

Sarah said...

Note: He did not physically hurt me. He did not touch me. I have no bruises from him.

Like Two Drink Girl said, the bruises I referenced in my story were from a motorbike accident over a month ago.

Anonymous said...

I think he's being pretty mature about the whole thing - which is good as you seem to not know how to deal with this kind of thing. And thats okay, but you shouldnt let your hang-ups/insecurities etc impact the potential for this relationship to be something great.

Anonymous said...

Like I said, I haven’t been reading the blog for long – sorry. Regardless, I would still urge you to be careful. This just seems weirdly intense for something that’s only been going on 2 weeks. When I go back and read it all it just seems too dramatic and – this may sound harsh – very adolescent. In my experience, 2 weeks is just a fling, not a relationship. It’s like years of baggage and drama have been compacted into just a few weeks. That’s the thing that strikes me the most, how brief this has been, and yet it is so serious! In the end only you know how you feel. I still maintain that this bloke has some issues. He doesn’t seem ready for a ‘relationship’, and I can’t help but think you are being incredibly foolish if you let this drag on.

Sarah said...

Anon1- I'm trying. I'm learning :)

Anon2- It has been weirdly intense and highly emotional, you're right. But it's why we made the conscious decision to slow it down some. And not that it makes much of a difference, but it's been six weeks total.

Ashi said...

This seems like two people who have both had a lot of bad relationships and bad things happen to them but nevertheless have a real connection. Unfortunately years of baggage have complicated your connection. Take it slow and work through it, it's hard to find the right sort of spark in another person, don't give up on it.

Angel Girl said...

Anon, I understand you have your opinions based upon reading a short amount of posts. However, there are a lot of us here who have been following her since the beginning and know her character and level of maturity past 3-4 posts. Sure this relationship has gone a bit fast, and because of it they are hitting a wall early on.. but it doesn't make it right or wrong for them to be together nor to know how they feel enough to know whether it's worth pursuing and working out something that they feel could be potentially great.

I personally know that anyone I have been with that is worth fighting for I have known very early in the relationship. So lets not judge. Either continue to read and get to know her or move on. That's what we do in the blog world!

Nomes said...

Good news babycakes. Your first fight.

Kudos on the kicking out of alco-me-hol thing too. It's a scary world out there without the -OH groups to rely upon, but (allegedly) it's a much clearer and respectful one.

Oh, and graceful. Now there's a thought.

Look after yourself please. You're important. No losing of identity, thank you v. much.

a life uncommon said...

Teary eyed from your post... well written.

 

© 2005 - 2013 He Loves Me Not
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - Noncommercial - Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

template by suckmylolly.com