~Thursday, July 19, 2007

Dear Trojan, I hate you.

The condom broke last night.

And so begins Pregnancy Watch '07.

After we realized what happened, I jumped up from the bed and got in the shower. I knew it wouldn't solve anything, but thorough washing was the only proactive thing I could think of. I pulled back the shower curtain and jumped when I saw Scott sitting on the closed toilet, "I called Walgreen's--they do have Plan B like you thought."

Scott. The look on his face when he saw the broken condom. Considering his previous experience, I knew he was not going to handle this scare very well. I knew I was the one who had to remain calm and collected. I wrapped a towel around me and went into my closet to get dressed, "Well it's a good thing they're open 24 hours."

Scott trailed behind me, "This is what happens when you have sex. You have to be prepared for the consequences. Are you ready to have a child?" When Scott gets serious, his voice can sound patronizing when it is not his intention. I tried to remind myself this.

"You can't be serious."

He followed me into my closet, "Are you ready to have a child?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Are you ready to have a child?"

I felt trapped. Trapped in my closet and trapped by his question. I reached down and grabbed a t-shirt to pull on, "I'm not answering that." I began to shake. I knew this would freak him out and that I had to be the coherent one, but he's in my closet sternly asking about babies.

"Hey hey hey, come here," he stopped me from turning away and pulled me to him. I looked at his face for the first time and saw his lip was trembling and his eyes were tearing, "It's just, I didn't ask that last time. And I should have. I need to know."


He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. At first I thought it was a sigh of relief, but he was actually wincing.

"I'm not ready for a baby," I clarified, "But if I don't have a choice about it, I'll deal with it. I'm 26 with a stable job and health care. People actually plan babies when they're my age." I slipped my shirt on and grabbed my car keys. "Look, if you don't want to go, I can go pick up the drugs by myself. You can stay here or go home if you need to. I can handle this." He was so close to breaking down that I wanted to give him an easy out.

"Don't talk like that. I'm staying by your side."

"I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

I've actually taken Plan B before and I'm confident in the drug, but Scott wasn't. No doubt the scare put him in the throes of his first pregnancy. He teared up and described the events: what happened, what he felt. As much as I held on being the strong one, I faltered when I heard all the details. A nervous habit, I began to clean the apartment.

"Will you stop folding the sheets for one minute?" He took the clean laundry from my hands and stuffed it in the chair. "Are you okay?"


"I want to hear you say you're okay."

"I'm okay."

"I'm with you in this. For the long haul. I'd fight for it." And maybe it was supposed to be a romantic moment, but I felt like another mistake. I want love before a baby. I want someone to marry me because he wants to, not because he feels obliged to. Mostly I wanted to stop talking about pregnancy, because the Plan B is going to work.


Me said...

Is Plan B a really horrible thing? The prof made me feel like crap because she had to use it... I really should do more research. That's what Google is for.

Venting said...

I'm sure Plan B works. Maybe time to consider the Pill? No hassle, no scares...

Sarah said...

Me- It's just a high dose of birth control. I don't think it's a terrible thing at all. I was fine until he started talking babies and marriage.

Venting- Finding a lady doctor as we speak.

Blue Soup said...

I am guessing that Plan B is the same as Levonelle (morning after pill)?

Whether it is awful or not depends on the person.

I ought to take it to be on the safe side as I fucked up my pill last week, but I don't fancy the side effects and I am drinking tonight so leaving it until tomorrow. I know it's a bad idea. But I'm irresponsible.

Single Girl said...

Yeah, I'm all about the Pill, it has really saved me from freakouts. Even though I'm on the Pill, I still use condoms, I'm not taking any chances!

Finding a good lady doctor can be hard, but once you find a good one, it makes things easier. If you need suggestions, let me know!

SuvvyGirl said...

I'm sure everything will be fine. There is only a small window every month that women can get pregnant anyway. So look at the calendar figure out when you had your last period and see if you are close to your ovulation date. If you have a regular cycle your ovulation should be regular too. No worries I'm sure. Wonder if he's ready for another kid? That would have been my comeback to it and I would have totally fucked things up. Cleaning was a good choice :P

Sarah said...

Suvvy- Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Two Drink Girl said...

Plan B will work, don't worry. And I'm with you on finding a lady doc, I've GOT to do that soon. Besides, I want my zits to go away, and my boobs to come back. :-)

OC said...

Plan B worked for me! I had a condom breaking scare last fall and took Plan B almost 48 hours afterwards and it still worked. The sooner you take it, the more effective it is. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Yes Plan B works, that's why it's on the market and approved by the FDA. You're lucky that your Walgreens carries it, it's not carried everywhere (especially the South).

The bigger question I believe that's been raised is about your readiness to conceive and choose to have a child out of wedlock.

Your answer is no...that's acceptable. The question that was not answered was - is Scott? Is Scott looking for 'the one'? I didn't think he was necessarily, I mean if it happened, ok but not actually seeking out a life mate, is he?

Then the next wonderfully awkward conversation would be, if he is willing to continue a relationship with someone that currently does not want children in the very near future.

Good for you and taking control and being responsible in the first place (condoms), great for you to be strong enough to choose to use Plan B.

And finally - if you can get a 2nd birth control (I use the ring, my favorite of ring, shot, pill, and patch).

Indiana said...

He is nervous because he likes you...and in his ineffectual way he was trying to tell you that if things got tough he would not just cut and run.

Nomes said...

Course it is darling. And you probably weren't even in your most fertile period so there probably isn't anything to worry about (says she, just on the 'past side' of a fun scare too!).

Also: pee sticks. 19days post exposure. Get one of them from Walgreens too.

Then there are always options. I'm a pro-choicer, by choice. And I know what you mean about "being able to deal with it if and when". I just had that conversation with my parents (easier than with the bloke, considering the circumstances) and they agreed. Weirdest conversation of my life to date.

But no need to worry now. And there's probably no need to worry for you too. Remain calm. Do not run. Do not take the elevator. Do not pass go and accept $200.

You will be fine. Repeat after me. I will be fine, regardless.

Drama Queen said...

This is just part of life, swallow up the pill and get on with it. I’ve taken Levonelle before when I was anti-bi’s and only realised the next day that they could affect my contraceptive pill. Totally NO side effects. . .

I really didn’t see it as a big deal but I know not everyone comes from the UK, land of plentiful birth control choices, plentiful sex education, free birth control, over the counter morning after pill and still the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe!

This girl is all about the contraceptive pill.

Hope everything works out ok Girl.

Savage said...

Plan B works up to 72 hours after having sex (the sooner taken the better) and helps prevent pregnancy by up to 89%

If you can get it over the counter in your area, just buy a few packages and keep them in your medicine cabinet next to the condoms. It's something everyone should have in there. That way you dont have to worry about a mad dash to the store. :)

Anonymous said...

I, personally, hate the Pill, as I prefer to have a sex drive. I agree with M-Joy with respect to what he was awkwardly trying to get at.

Radhika said...

Hi Sarah,

you don't know me..I just stumbled on your blog recently. I wanted to thank you for being so honest in sharing your experiences..I can't tell you how very much you have helped me come to terms with my own life. I am in the process of ending a relationship just now, and your blog archives tell me I'm right in doing so. Hugs ..and thanks! I sincerely hope it works out with Scott :)

AJ said...

I'm with you. Plan B will work. Why worry about crossing bridges that you may never need to cross.

dont eat the token said...

I had heard of something like Plan B going on in Europe but it wasn't here in the U.S. when I was 17. And the condom broke. I believe it will work for you.

Talking about these kinds of accidents is always important, but terrible in the heat of the moment. I hope Scott realizes this and can discuss it in a week or two.

I was out of town and just spending the last hour catching up on you. *deep breath*

On the friends stuff they should support you better but it sounds like young age and selfish motives are at play. I hope they've come around.

On the Scott stuff and the fighting ... I've known someone who seems just like him and if alcohol hadn't ever been involved I probably wouldn't have ever tried calling 9-1-1. I'm glad you're both taking a liquor break.

Please don't question who you are, ever, in this relationship. He doesn't define you and he hasn't been in your life long enough to make you redefine it. Since it's so precarious to trust someone so early on, it's even more rewarding when it works out. I'm a slow starter and believe it takes a good year to even know if someone has enough value to impact your life in the long run. Just sharing my thoughts because I care about you.

Plus, anything that is negative that surfaces during drinking should really be addressed and worked on while sober. I'm pretty modest in that sense too; I don't drink much and I drink heavily even less. But I've seen some good friends tank under its influence and it's too fucking ugly to bear.

pink jellybaby said...

eeeeeeeeeeek. hope you're ok :) x

Blue Soup said...

So, chick, how you faring? I hopped on the Levonelle bandwagon on Friday (although unlike lucky Drama Queen I was groggy all day), and my GP was optomistic about me - although I fucked my pill up, at least I am vaguely on it most of the time...

Update lovely x

Drama Queen said...

Was just going check in too, see Blue Soup beat me to it. I must have a strong constitution, morning after pill gave me no side effects at all (but have only taken it once). I have more problems after a couple of drinks. Which leads me to believe that hormone wise I actually need something to regulate me. . .no surprise there then.

Hope you (and blue soup above) are both through the scare. Though obviously not the same scare. That would just be weird.

Peach said...

agh, blimey, good luck with that, can't stand that stuff (in england it's called Levonelle) and it is utterly wrecking to your life for nearly three months where your hormones go mental.

Or even more mental in my case.

Fingers crossed for you X

Blue Soup said...

we could start a club...

(or not)


Sarah said...

That's funny, I think we could!


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