~Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Going There

I kissed his shoulder, "I love you."

"So are we going there?" He asked flatly.

"Going where?"

He waved me off with his hand while he focused on the movie.

"Going where?" I repeated.

"That's a really big deal for me to say it," he said, not taking his eyes off the TV.

I was puzzled and a little taken aback. "I didn't say it so I could hear it," I spoke slowly.

"Most people do."

"I just felt like saying it."

"Well it is my fist time hearing it," he paused while my mouth hung open in shock. "What the hell, I love you too!"

"WHAT?!" The looks, the kissing, the tears: I didn't fabricate them. "What about yesterday?"

"You mean yesterday when I had that killer headache so I drank it away?"

"You don't remember yesterday?"

"You know I have a really bad memory." He paused, "Are you okay?"

"No."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No."

"I was really drunk yesterday."

"Okay." I was doing my best to hide the sheer horror I was feeling. Oh. my. god. He. doesn't. remember. I must look like one fucking idiot.

"Tell me what happened."

Having already written about it, I was able to recall the story. Telling it, however, proved difficult and it was delivered with many sideways glances.

"You know why I cried."

I nodded. I did. It was over his son, but it stung to have it shoved in my face that none of this was about me anymore.

"Even if you really don't remember, I'm having a hard time with why your reactions are so different," I admitted. "Yesterday you were so happy, and now you're scolding me. Did you mean it yesterday and not today? Do you mean it today and not yesterday? Were you faking yesterday? Are you faking now?"

"I wouldn't say it unless I mean it."

This time I had no problem studying his eyes; I had already gotten everything off my chest yesterday. He stared back at me, unblinking, and we were gauging each other's reactions. I had no idea where the strength came from, but I wanted answers and he was skirting around them.

"Fine. Well you just said it. Did you mean it?"

He was uncomfortable with my direct questioning and paused, "Yes," he spoke quietly as if he was unsure of himself. "I thought we were going to take things slowly," he said more decisively.

I didn't really have an answer for that. The past week was spent declaring love in secret code only to have it said aloud and then taken back. He was ruining my memory of yesterday. He was taking it away from me.

"I can't believe you don't remember."

"You know I'm losing my memory. Ask my mother," as it always does when he's getting upset, Scott's voice began to rise in both volume and pitch.

"I'm just so embarrassed--"

"You shouldn't be! I have to leave!" Scott jumped up from the couch and began putting his shoes on. I was not going to let him have anything else; he already took my memory of yesterday. I kept my place on the floor and turned my focus on the TV and my glass of wine while he hurriedly got dressed.

When he didn't see me react, Scott came to my spot on the floor and kissed me, "You know why I have to leave."

I did. But I didn't. In any case, I wasn't going to fight it. After the one fight we had, hell if I was ever going to try and stop him again. "I know."

Again with no reaction out of me, Scott crossed the room and came back to me and kissed me. This time he was a little more tender, "I just need some time to myself."

"Okay." Again, he got nothing out of me.

He walked out the door and I never shed a tear. He wasn't going to get a thing out of me ever again.

23 comments:

AmyD said...

OK, I know I shouldn't have to ask this after all this time but: Could you please tell me who the GIRL in this relationship is??!!... ;o)

For real. I think he might be going through menopause or something. Get the boy some chocolate, STAT. Ha!

Are you doing OK today? Have you talked to him? What's the verdict? Good luck!!...

WiscoBlonde said...

Ugh! That's just awful. The Romanian (my-ex if you don't read my blog) did something like that to me when we first started dating. His involved a marriage proposal so it was a bit more obvious how drunk he was but STILL!!!!!!

Kale Rae said...

Long time reader - new commenter. I've been in that relationship. The relationship where all the feelings come pouring out (by him) when alcohol is involved because at any other time it's too real for him to feel that close or to express what he's thinking without feeling too vulnerable.

I wish I had sound advice, I wish I made the wise choice and cut him completely loose, but I didn't. And I can't advise that it's the right course of action - maybe it is maybe it isn't...but it is time to lay it all on the table I think and get him to be upfront and honest...and you might not be giving him anything anymore - but he's not giving you anything either and it's only making you miserable.

Tilly said...

Uh, WTF? Seriously.

N said...

Dude needs to quit drinking.

But we've covered this ground.

J said...

Ugh. Sorry to hear this. Hope it all works out...

*kb* said...

Sarah, I'm sorry this happened, as I know how difficult it was for you to tell him those three words. I definitely think kale rae is right on by suggesting putting everything on the table. Really you have nothing to lose!!

mysterygirl! said...

This post is really heartbreaking. I'm sorry that he's doing this to you-- I was shocked to read this after your last post (yes, I'm outing myself as a repeat lurker :) ). Take care of yourself, and do what you need to do to protect your feelings.

me said...

i'm sure what ever you do will be the right thing for you at that moment.
you deserve the best, don't forget that.

Amber said...

That's bullshit.

How freaking immature?!?!

He needs to stop drinking, for sure. Why didn't he just taking an effing asprin?!

I'm so sorry, Sarah. *HUGS* to you!

Nicole said...

OMG! Sarah, I'm so sorry that your perfect story (which *was* truly perfect!) is a little sullied by what happened the next day. However, call me an optimist, but I think everything will work itself out with a heart to heart talk! Please let us know!

La Femme said...

Two letters: AA.

brea said...

Ask yourself this:

Do you really want to be with someone who gets so drunk he can't remember certain IMPORTANT moments of your relationship (not to mention do you want to be with someone who you can't tell is that drunk!?)

Or are you with him because the alternative of being single again hurts too much?

I hope you two work through it. I hope he stops drinking, and realizes what a fuck nut he is for what he just pulled and then taking off.

Blue Soup said...

He has got to be joking, right?!?!!?!?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I recently stumbled across your site and I admit I am a "lurker"! After reading your post though I had no choice but to come out and give you a big high five for being strong! I have been in this situation before and you are a rock star!
Keep strong and make him work for it when he calls again. :)
Amie

Ryane said...

Followed a link to your blog--what a great post. all I can say is, if he won't go there, then he does not deserve any more of you.

Anonymous said...

What helped me when I was on this kind of roller coaster was Al-Anon. It really really REALLY helped to talk about it with people who had been through the same thing, and they helped me think about what was going on in different ways, which I needed.

It might help you, and it don't cost.

Single Girl said...

OMG.

Okay. I have to agree with some other people and something I said before in another comment. It sounds like he really needs AA. But the thing is, he needs to want AA otherwise there is no point (see Lindsay Lohan as an example, not to make light of the situation). I also agree with those who think you need to put it all out on the table if you want this relationship to go anywhere. He can't keep pulling crap like this. It's really not fair to you. You're taking huge steps and putting yourself out there and taking big risks.

With all that said, I'm really sorry he has done this to you, it really sucks and that's putting it lightly. I started liking Scott again and now he's gone and totally screwed that all up and that's just me, a reader of your blog, not you, so I can only imagine how you're feeling.

Just hang in there and remember that you deserve the best, so don't settle for anything but.

a life uncommon said...

After yesterdays wonderful post I am so sad for you... I hate that he seemed to be so flippant today. I hope you're not hurting too much from all this inconsistent behavior he's displaying... relationships are so tough.

londongirl said...

Humn. Odd behaviour. And very much at odds with everything from your previous post.

Humn.

Bexxie said...

His moods are very up and down. I feel as though he's going to drain you emotionally.

Savage said...

If i was one of his friends, and i mean REAL friends, i would have punched him in the face and sent him back to you. F@&%tard...

you were so happy too.

kristin b said...

he loves you.

he just needs to stop drinking.

hasn't he learned that lesson before?

you being tough is the best think i think you can do. more power to you!

 

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