~Monday, August 06, 2007

It was time

Don't be afraid to say those words you long to hear yourself
I might feel the same, but I'm not quite as bold
--Soul Miner's Daughter, "3 Stones"

"What are you thinking?"

Scott's been asking me that a lot lately. Every time he asks it, the answer is invariably I love you and I think he knew it. Since the beer-can love declaration, Scott has worked it in several more times. He was speaking in a deep monster voice that creeped me out and he told me in the monster voice that he loved me. Once again, I just laughed harder. And then when we were in bed together, he stopped and said, "This is me making love to you. I'm making love to you." That was the closest I came to telling him, but I just didn't want the first time to be during sex. Instead I did something that I never ever do--I looked at him in the eyes.

A guy asked me once why I never look at him while we had sex. I gave my flippant response, "I never look in the eyes, that's how you go falling in love." It was time to look at Scott in the eyes.

Scott nudged me again, "What are you thinking?" I had woken up from a nap on the couch and he climbed on top of me to tell me about a phone call with his best friend. I turned my head away from Scott and stared at the back of the couch.


"Come on, tell me."

I broke eye-contact with the couch and glanced at Scott. His face was full of hopeful earnest. I looked away from his face and bore a hole in his shoulder. I opened my mouth to say I love you, but no sound came out; I only mouthed them.

"Don't be scared. Tell me." I don't know if he saw me form the words. I don't know if he knew it was what I wanted to say.

I looked at his face again and tried to hold it as long as I could, "I love you." It was still very breathy and half-choked.

Scott's entire face lit up. I've never seen him look so happy. "Ah!" he inhaled.

It was all I could stand. I turned my face away from him and buried it against the back of the couch and began to cry; it was such a release to finally tell him that I couldn't hold anything back anymore. Scott began to laugh and cuddled me in his arms while I sobbed. He smooshed his face against my tears, "Aw baby, I love you too. I love you." I barely heard him over my crying. He continued to laugh, "It's okay, people fall in love all the time."

After a few more moments I stopped crying to look at him again. He gazed back intently and caressed my face. "Did you know?" I asked meekly.

"I knew."

"It's why I've been so quiet all weekend. If I opened my mouth, the words were going to come tumbling out, so I just couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't say anything at all."

"I know," he whispered.

"Well I'm glad you knew even if I couldn't tell you."

"Did you know?"

"I knew," I smiled. "Why didn't you just come out and say it?"

"Past experience. I told myself I couldn't be the first one to say it again. Because last time--" It was Scott's turn as he dug his face in my shoulder and let out a few quick tears.

Red-faced, he leaned back and smiled at me. I reached up and stroked his cheek, "I love you," but once again I couldn't force the sound.

He mimicked me, just mouthing the words to me as well.


AmyD said...

I don't think I've ever read or heard a more precious, heartfelt recount of "I love you" in all my life...I teared up a little bit, just feeling what you were feeling: fear, elation, fear, LOVE... :o) I'm really happy you finally said it. Now we can all say I TOLD YOU SO!!!! Ha!!

Well done!

So how does it feel to be in love?

Sarah said...

That smile he gave made it all worth it :)

Single Girl said...

YAY!! It's about time! But I'm glad you took as long as you needed to say it! It feels scary and exciting and happy all at once, doesn't it? It's fantastic!

Anonymous said...

I got teary too, because I am the same way. I thought I was the only one that found it so hard to say. It's not easy to walk around with "I love you" stuck in your throat. Glad you got it out and that he knew and was so patient. Cherish that man!

Miss Natalie said...

funny how we can say 'i love you' so easily when it really means 'you're cool, you made me laugh' but when those 3 little words are sincere it take time to say them... very happy for the loving couple :-)

Indiana said...

That's awesome :-) About time. :-)

Drama Queen said...

Ah sometimes I LOVE YOU doesn't even have to be words does it?

Well done for getting them out. Now comes the down-ward spiral, the days when you want to say those words all the time because they are so wonderful to hear and say. . .

AJ said...

Wow. I hope one day I can experience love like that.

Blue Soup said...

That is so lovely. It's just wonderful to read really happy posts from you. I hope it stays this way forever.

Time to change the blog name...

Kale Rae said...

I sympathize having gone through an experience where you wanted to say it but somehow couldn't. But I learned that it's healthier to let those feelings out - or they'll eat you alive - good feelings or bad.

kristin b said...

just perfect.

*kb* said...

Yeah Sarah!!!

WiscoBlonde said...

Hooray! I'm all sniffly just reading it!

Amber said...

YAY!!!! Good for you, hon!

Why didn't you call and tell me about this!??!

I'm so happy for the both of you!

londongirl said...

Wow. I'm so delighted for you. You made me feel all gushy and warm and happy. But slightly jealous!!

Glad it's all working out.

Anonymous said...

This was the best "I love you" post I've ever read. It made me think about my own life and experience with those words. I'm crying here at my desk and I need to pull it together.

I should have read this at home!!

You two sound amazingly perfect for one another.

Anonymous said...

Yep, I knew it. What an amazing flood of emotion. WOW. Yay!!

Anonymous said...

Jukebox and I sign 'i love you' or substitute other phrases to share the feelings - so we're not feeling overwhelmed with saying it every day. But we pretty much do, in our own way.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful and lovely moment with us!

Denise said...

I like the new header title :)

Enny said...

I love this story - for all its 'imperfection', it's perfect :o)


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