~Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Hag-ridden

Nightmares for me come and go in spurts. I can't have one without having a week's worth following, and I seem to be in that rut right now.

The other morning I shook awake, dazed and with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I looked to the other side of the bed and Scott wasn't there. I knew he was probably sleeping on the couch, never making it to bed, but I wanted him next to me. I wanted to be comforted.

I got up out of bed and padded into the living room and found Scott on the couch with my afghan tucked under his chin, elbows, and toes, making him look mummified. My head knew it was just a dream, but it didn't feel like a dream. It felt real. I sat down on the floor next to my mummy and awoke him from the dead. "Baby, I had a nightmare."

"Another one?" he mumbled. "Shh, it wasn't real," and he patted my head like he would to an attention-starved puppy.

"It feels real; it hurts," but Scott already fell back asleep. I got on my knees and laid my head on his chest for comfort. I began to sob.

"Hey, hey, hey," he said, waking back up. He began to stroke my hair, "Don't cry. What was the dream?"

Describing your dream that has moved you to tears doesn't always sound logical when you say it out loud. With each detail, I felt more foolish, knowing he wouldn't understand how deeply it affected me:

"We had been fighting recently, and you went out of town for some reason. On a phone call, you told me you were seriously reconsidering our relationship. I wanted to fight for you, so I dropped my plans and went to whatever city you were in. By the time I got there, you had buddied up with some Amy Winehouse-looking girl and she said you would be perfect for this game show they were taping.

"When I found you, you were sitting with her at a card table and interviewing other contestants for the game show. I told you I wanted to speak with you, and she suggested that I audition for you like the other contestants. You laughed and agreed. I began to cry, pleading to you that my feelings weren't a game and our relationship wasn't a game, but you made me go through the audition. And I didn't pass."

Scott was fully awake by now. "That's just your own insecurities," he said. "If you think that has any grain of truth to it, you're wrong."

Obviously Scott's right, but his response startled me. I didn't actually realize I am insecure about the relationship. Or that he knew it too. I'm actually a little horrified he knows--insecurity is not an attractive quality to possess; it leads to other traits like jealousy and mistrust. And he already complains about my trust issues.

And then V had to go and write about working out emotional issues in your sleep, which startled me just as much, reminding me of the whole ordeal all over again. I am in the most stable relationship of my life--I am living with him--how can I still be insecure? Will I ever get over my fear of being abandoned?

"Just don't go auditioning for any game shows," I sniffed, still laying on Scott's chest. "And stay away from any Amy Winehouse-looking characters."

10 comments:

Radhika said...

Sigh..know what you are talking about..Sometimes, my only wish in life is just to be emotionally self sufficent.

Peach said...

posts like these sarah are one of the reasons I am so compelled to reading your blog, you are so lucid about yourself, it is inspiring...

... and sadly, for whatever reason, I have exactly the same trust / insecurities - I tell those closest to me that I have been ridiculously hurt before (and try not to tell/bore anyone with the details), that I'm working on the issues and that it isn't personal to them... but their support, helps...

you're doing great you know, you really are, keep going...

Trinity2 said...

Just keep taking it one day at a time! It's ok to have those feelings - sometimes it takes awhile to heal all those or let them go.

Marie said...

I am also on a nightmare streak right now, and I refuse to retell them in the middle of the night. I don't want to relive them! I just want to think about something soothing and then go back to sleep.

AmyD said...

Ugh...I hate how real dreams can seem. It takes me days to get over some. I recall waking after having a dream that my then-boyfriend had slept with someone else and when I opened my eyes to see him next to me, I HATED HIM and could barely say "good morning" because I couldn't recall if it had truly happened or not.

The only thing I can think is that you took what Scott said during your last fight to heart ("Even AN says you're picky! And hard!"...) and instead of dreaming that you would make Scott contest for your love, you dreamt - maybe in fear - that he did that to YOU. You're taking the criticism in, working it out in your mind, and worrying that what you seemingly reflect might come back to you. I honestly don't think that would ever happen, but I do believe Freud was on to something when he said we dream to deal with the things we aren't quite strong or ready enough to handle in our awakened state...

I hope your nightmares GO AWAY soon. You must be exhausted! :o(

Paige Jennifer said...

Insecurities are crummy. But trusting someone to handle them with care makes having them a little less awkward.

Drama Queen said...

Ah ha. The dreams have started. I had this when I first moved in with BF. Its like things are so good our sub-conscious is gently preparing for them to go wrong. . .

I used to wake up crying after dreaming about him leaving and, later, dying. Then I would suck on to him like a limpet for the rest of the night.

The good news is that they will pass. BF and I now spend the first 5 mins of the morning discussing each others dreams. Which scarily seem to be involving an awful lot of babies. . . of which I always seem to put down somewhere and forget about.

Venting said...

I had these nightmares but they stopped when McDreamy and I moved in together. Everyone is different and has insecurities about something, and it's normal to want to prepare yourself for the worst.

A Life Uncommon said...

You poor thing... I use to have a re-occuring nightmare and it still stirs me up if I think about it.

I thought it kinda sweet the way he patted your head like a puppy! :)

M-Joy said...

Weird. Everyone seemed to be having nightmares at the same time it seems like.

I hope you're sleeping soundly again.

 

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