~Thursday, November 29, 2007

Meanwhile, Back at Thanksgiving

"So your step-sister pulled me aside after dinner," Scott began quietly as I drove us home from my father's Thanksgiving.

"Oh yeah, I meant to ask you about that. What did she say?"

"She wanted to know my intentions. She said you've had a rough time of guys not treating you well, and that she doesn't want to see you hurt again. She thinks we look good together and that she can tell you really like me, so she wanted to make sure I wasn't going to hurt you."

"Oh." It was the typical speech from movies and magazines, but one that's never been applied to me before. Despite being the youngest, no one has ever really watched out for me. Tears fogged my vision and I confusedly turned on the wiper blades for the windshield.

My throat choked up over the validation of being victimized in my previous relationships. Always second guessing myself, having the confirmation from an outside source made me grieve once more for past heartaches. My chin quivered at the idea that one person loves me enough to make sure I'm okay. And then the tears fell when I realized that person was not my mother, my father, my biological brother, or my best friend, but my step-sister.

I love her like any other family member, but I was angry that the people closer to me weren't as considerate. She and I live miles apart, but she's now the mother of two and we see each other a handful of times a year. And we don't call each other. What my step-sister did should have been the job of someone else. But no one else in my life has ever looked out for me.

"Why are you crying?" Scott asked.

"It just really means a lot to me that she did that," I trembled.

"I know. That's why I told you." Scott paused, "I've been thinking about what she said."

"What's that?"

"That you've been hurt before."

I nodded and changed lanes on the highway.

"You never really talk about it."

I don't. I can't bring mine up to him. My alcoholic boyfriend and cheating boyfriend totally get trumped by Scott's wife who put his baby up for adoption. My hurts sound too trivial compared to his. If I ever reveal anything about me, he always responds, "Well imagine how I felt when she decided not to keep my baby." No amount of emotional abuse I've suffered compares and I always feel silly.

"So what did you say after she said that to you?" I asked, changing the focus.

"I said I was going to marry you."


WiscoBlonde said...

Whoa!!!! That's exciting news!!

Amber said...

That is so cool that he freely admits what his intentions are with you and what he wants in the future. There's no sneaking around or being coy when it comes to that "stuff" and it was really sweet of your step-sister to look out for you. You are more loved than you realize, Sarah.

I don't think it's very fair that he brings up the baby that was given up every time you reveal parts of your emotional pain. Yours is not any less significant or painful... it's just DIFFERENT. That doesn't mean you are not validated in how you feel and he shouldn't throw that up and demean your own feelings when you finally do speak up. It's not fair or right and I think you should tell him that if he wants to hear more about the wounds on your own heart, that he needs to put aside his own aching wounds long enough for you to release some of that pain.

Sharing - whether it be love or pain - is always a good thing. Perhaps part of why you haven't been able to "let go" so much is because you haven't talked about it and it's built up into this... thing that you have to carefully guard.

I don't know. I'm on half a bottle of wine so just ignore me! :)

Give me a call so we can chat sometime when you get a chance. I work till about 7pm, but have it on after that.

Glad to see you are doing so well and that you and Scott are still together and happy. You deserve it, hun! Even if there are a few more bumps in the road you have to get over.

Peach said...

I know what you mean, but at least someone did care enough and it sounds like Scott does too - tell him about how you feel your pain is trivial and that's why you've not gone into details about your past... and good luck, unearthing such undeads can be horrific...

Tilly said...

HOLY AWESOME! I mean, I think that's awesome! Is it awesome??

T2 said...

Everyone's hurts are just as important. If he really wants to know preface it with "ok I will tell you but please don't make me feel like it is trivial and don't compare it to yours." I'm sure he will listen - esp since he wants to marry you! :-)

Anonymous said...


Now, continue to take things slowly. It's a bit off that his loss of his baby trumps your bad relationship stories. Pain is pain and you need someone who grasps the impact that these jerks have had on your life. It's very important to find someone who can see things from your perspective... it will help when you guys are under stress.

Keep an eye out! Part of the problem is probably YOUR willingness to feel silly-- that has little to do with your significant other.

One more time, congratulations!!!

dont eat the token said...

My heart was all, "awww" that you hit the wipers when your tears welled up.

I've learned a new term: dismissing
And it's when Scott doesn't let you have your moment of truth and pain and he trumps it with his own.

He's dismissing your feelings, even if he thinks he's somehow sparing you.

We have to feel the hurt in order to heal from it. I have a problem stuffing things in deep, and now I'm trying to let them out, one by one. It hurts.

Nothing changes how you were made to feel and no one else has any say in it.

>*;* said...

holy shit, hopefully you didn't drive off the road!

J said...

I am starting to like this Scott fellow more and more...

AmyD said...

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! So flipping amazing!! What a sweetheart to tell you that, and also to be so sure about this after all he has been through (WTF?! I never knew this about his past...what a tragedy)! I'm so very happy for you, girl. Hope you're smiling over there, knowing how WORTHY you are of his love, AND your stepsister's concern. Really. (((HUGS)))

Radhika said...

This is so touching..and i am truly so very happy for you. I sincerely hope Scott stays this way..always.

Anonymous said...

So I just have to get something straight...

IF you two were to end up as not working out, is he saying that YOU'RE the one that would, say have to confront him, address whatever it might be with him, (ok ok I'm just going to say it)...you'd have to break up with him?

Like he's not leaving? Not unless something horribly rare happened?

(like you were to get hammered one night and say you're ohhhh...running the show?)

I told Cowboy about our conversation about that night and did just as you suggested. I told him what Scott said, how he'd have been so angry and how it never occurred to me.


M said...

oooo lala! Are you in agreement with his plan?

T.J. said...

Oh a boy that doesn't play games...how incredibly lucky you are. You deserve it. I live in the south, so I can't HELP but be bombarded by some good, some bad country songs. Theres a song that immediately ran thru my head when reading this post..."Ida never found you, if he had wanted to stay, oh, he hurt bad, but in a real good way." I'm happy for you Sarah.

Confuddled said...


That's a beautiful thing for him to say. I've just found your blog, and can totally relate to the first part of your post about you both being hurt badly in the past, and about your sister looking out for you. And then it ended with that statement - I'm so happy for you.

C x

general_boy said...

I don't think it's fair for anyone to measure their suffering relative to someone else's. How it effects you is very personal and very real. It's impossible to say "you had it easy" when you don't fully understand the impact some of these things have had on someone.

All that aside, I am very happy to hear that Scott plans to "make an honest woman of you". =)

treacle said...

Crikey! How cool... but I echo what the others have said here. Its time to trust Scott with your past pain and help him understand that even if he feels, at face value, what he has been through does not compare to your hurts - he must understand that you are shaped by those incidences in some small measure and that he should not dismiss them as less important but help you through.

And Yay for your step-sister, she sounds lovely.


londongirl said...

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How exciting.

And I am delighted that he told you that your step sister was looking out for you. That's really sweet.

What's not very sweet is to use his trump card of the baby - just because that really hurt him, doesn't mean to say that your hurts are invalid or irrelevant. They aren't. And they deserve to be considered.

Nikki said...

This whole post is so beautiful.


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