Mr. Freeze Versus the Thyroglobulins

Having become something of a biopsy regular, I don't have the same story this time that I had last time. The only noticeable difference is that my newly acquired, super expensive, super exclusive endocrinologist doesn't believe in local anaesthetics.

"The injection of the anaesthetic will be just as painful as the biopsy needle," he tried to explain to me.

"Yes, but there isn't one biopsy needle, there's three. And you don't just insert the biopsy needle, you stick it in and wave it around like a damn jackhammer." Seriously, by the time you get to the third needle, who cares about the first teeny weeny anaesthetic injection? And this isn't even touching on how a needle actively moving around inside your throat doesn't feel like a shot of B12 to the arm, which I also had to look forward to, followed by another round of blood samples after that--what's one more needle prod?

But I lost out because the super duper endocrinologist prefers the freeze method. I didn't get a good look, but I assume it's a can of frozen air something or other which he sprayed liberally on my neck, causing me to break out in a fit of shrieks and giggles on the operating room table. The opera playing on a tape deck in the corner of the room was accompanied by the whoosh of aerosol and my full belly-laugh hysterics.

"Looks like someone is ticklish," chirped the nurse.

"I get a lot of reactions with the freeze, but I've never had anyone laugh before," said the doctor, which really made me uncomfortable, because how many patients has this super endocrinologist seen during the life of his practice and I'm the only one? I never like hearing something I do is abnormal.

And so I wait. Again. If this biopsy comes back inconclusive again, he's operating and taking my thyroid out as a cancer precaution. Apparently the cancer risk is very high with two inconclusives. If my thyroglobulin levels come back high, he's operating and taking out my thyroid. I didn't bother to ask why. If my levels are come back normal, then I get to keep my thyroid, but get put on medications to try to shrink the tumors. Even though it looks like I'm going to be one of those people who has to take medication every day for the rest of my life no matter the outcome of this, obviously I'm still hoping for the third option because frankly I kinda like my thyroid even though my body doesn't.

I asked him why all of this happened in the first place, and he said my body got confused and thought my thyroid was now magically a foreign object, so it started attacking it. Apparently my body isn't very smart.