~Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Perfectly Average

Thanks to Lpeg and Blue Soup for being predecessors on this topic.

I haven't written much lately because I have been annoyed. It turns out that I'm not perfect. It also turns out that Christopher isn't perfect and our relationship isn't perfect. And I find myself frustrated and annoyed at times.

Part of me knows that annoyance and frustration are natural whenever you are dealing with another person, not just a lover. But the other part of me is so disappointed that things aren't perfect. Christopher is just another boyfriend.

Just another boyfriend.

My dad over Thanksgiving asked the name of the boyfriend I had whose dog jumped on his counter and ate his bread. Huh? I had a boyfriend with a counter-cruising dog? He was only so important to me that I started this blog just to get over him. Now he's just another boyfriend; one I can't remember well at that.

I don't want Christopher to be just another boyfriend. Boyfriends don't work out. They break your heart and do mean things to you. I've wanted him for so long and I've built things up so far in my head that the idea of him being stuffed in some photo album for another future boyfriend to avoid breaks my heart. Oh, him? He was just some guy.

Christopher gave me back myself. He knew the person I was before I was abused and damaged and he saw the same person in me today. It never even occurred to him that I was very nearly ruined.

So the idea of us being average? Crushing. Because I already know how average turns out.


AndyD said...

Woah, pretty depressing stuff. It would be nice if every relationship could stay in the honeymoon phase, but it's the come down that always says if it will last or not. I remember feeling really bummed out when I realized me and my fiance hit that wall, but not a week goes by where she doesn't remind me why I love her. Yeah, maybe the flirty texts and long romantic nights are fewer and farther between, but we compliment eachother really well, and there's no one I would rather watch college football with.

Of course I could be completely off base here, but either way I wish you luck.

Dawn said...

Who says that you, as a couple, are average?

Not being perfect doesn't mean that you're average. It just means that you're normal.

And Andy's right -- the honeymoon phase does wear off, but that doesn't mean anything. That's normal. It's when you still love each other despite there not being puppies and rainbows and glitter floating around you.

Sarah said...

See I get confused because I read other people's blogs and it's all puppies and rainbow and glitter when they are writing about their husbands! HUSBANDS! Clearly he had to be blog-worthy annoying at least once by then?

Do other people not find ex-girlfriend remnants under the bed? What about nude photos? Am I just a super freak? Cause really, I'm feeling like one about now. Why am I not an unconditionally loving person, but one that holds grudges when expectations aren't met? I am not being the person I want to date these last couple of weeks.

Thank jesus I have therapy in an hour.

J said...

You are not a super-freak. You are not the only one that finds those things. I have a hard time believing it is all puppies and rainbows for those other people. My theory is that they are not writing about the annoying bits. That they are self-censoring to make it look like the are the "perfect" couple.

Anonymous said...

I'm getting married in a year and oh man I can tell you I had "Blog worthy" bad times with my fiancee. There was the time she told me that I must be abusive because of my kinks (which were only revealed because she straight up asked me). There have been several times on both sides where we have been incredibly jealous of opposite sex friends. Accusations of still loving exes. Religion drove a huge wedge when she said I couldn't be moral without God. Me sleeping in the same bed with my male best friend convinced her I was secretly gay for him.

Reading all that makes me feel like the most disfunctional couple ever, but I wouldn't trade her for anyone, and we laugh about all those past events over beers now. I'm sure there will be more "Blog Worthy" incidents well into our marriage, but we always move forward.

And that's what it boils down to. You have to move forward together.

Sarah said...

Thank you for that.

gekkogirl said...

Sarah... Christopher did not give you back yourself. You have always been yourself. You reconnected at a time when you were putting yourself back together and because he had always seen you as you are.

You ARE loved and cared for and he displays this in so many ways - you have outlined here. Nobody is perfect and that's what makes life so lovely. Loving someone DESPITE them being an ordinary person. Accepting them. Wanting them. Sharing with them.

You're not a freak, you're a normal person who has been through some really bad times and yet you are still standing; smiling; loving and caring. So what if sometimes you don't feel like things are all that great? We all have many stories to tell but the thing is you can get past them and soon they will be just another funny story.

just like "Anonymous" said.

Dawn said...

Oh, Sarah, all those people who talk about puppies and rainbows and glitter floating around ALL THE TIME are lying. Nobody has a life that's perfect -- it's just the bits that they choose to present on their blog.

Some people would think that my life is perfect -- kind husband, big house, cute dog, blah blah blah -- but they don't see the bad parts. There ARE bad parts. Every relationship has bad parts.

I have a friend who will only tell you the good stuff. Everything is THE BEST movie, THE NICEST dress, THE FANCIEST hotel, etc, etc, so when she told me that her father was an ass, I was shocked. I've known her for 30 years. I asked how long he'd been so cruel. Her answer? Always. "But how could that be? How could I have not known that?" What did she say? "Because I never told you!"

It's all in how a relationship is presented. If you read a blog that talks only about the good stuff, don't think that your life is abnormal. They're just not TELLING you about the bad stuff. But it's there, sweetie. We all have our shit to carry.

Email me if you want more examples. I can give you thousands.

Breeza said...

I think you're at the real part of the relationship now. And I think it can be just as exciting as the honeymoon period was. And I don't think you or Christopher are average at all!

MamaBear said...

No no no! Quite the contrary! When the NRE (new relationship energy) wears thin, you're left with reality - which, while less exciting, is ultimately more fulfilling.

Also, you've built this up so much in your head, it's self-defeating: No one, nothing, can hold a candle to that image. Let it go. Also also, he didn't give you back yourself; no one can do that but you. He was a good enough person not to interfere with the process; you can't ask for more than that.

As for puppies and rainbows: HOGWASH, to put it politely. Dig into anyone's life, and I mean ANYONE, and there's grime and dust bunnies and all kinds of crap. In fact, the more perfect they seem on the outside - the harder they try to portray and project perfection - the worse it usually is underneath. This is not a theory; this is hard-won knowledge through investigating why my life wasn't as perfect as others'. Guess what? My life ain't so bad, for all of that. (Well, anymore :-D )

And man, we've had some fights... they're funny, _now_... and some dry spells, and some moments of apathy, and times where one person had an issue and wouldn't communicate with the other until _after_ having picked a week's worth of petty fights... recently... :-D

Just A Girl In GA said...

I agree with the poster who said the people who are all puppie dogs and rainbows are lying. Well maybe not lying but not 100 percent honest with themself or their relationship. Honestly, I have been reading your blog as a lurker for a long time (during the Scott relationship) and I have been hoping for Christopher to comeback all along. Second time around is usually not easier since you don't have the "honeymoon" time, you pretty much know what you are getting.

My gut feeling is Christopher is a good guy, maybe not perfect but who is?

Good Luck Sarah, you deserve all the happiness you can find.

Anonymous said...

My friends thought my ex (whom I was with for 3 years) and I were always perfect. Because that's what we talk about: The perfect. That's the side we show the outside world. That's what we think people want to hear. We think "No one wants to hear about the negatives" or "If I talk about the negatives they'll all think badly of him and then think --- What's wrong with her that she wants to be with him?"

Everyone has BAD with the good. It's impossible not to have.

For 3 years everyone thought we were perfect.

No one knew that the bottom drawer of his dresser was filled with lingerie -- that he bought for himself to wear when no one was around. Or that he was 34 and still lived a block from his mom, and had a job that his mom got him -- and worked with him -- everyday, or that he couldn't/wouldn't defecate with anyone else in the house.

They all just thought he was this handsome, successful, perfect guy and were envious that he wasn't theirs.

nuttycow said...

I don't think any relationship is "average". Can you think of a single person who you would describe as average? No, me either. That's because everyone is unique. As such, all relationships are unique too.

Just go with it. Don't overanalyse. Have *fun*.

Lpeg said...

Relationships are hard work. And you are not average, and neither is Christopher. I think, if, at the end of the day, you still want to be with him, then there's your answer. Even through the crap - and even if 'you' think your relationship is only average (which it doesn't sound like) - even if.... if you've got someone that you look forward to coming home to, and likewise for him, then that's all you can ask for.

My mom once told me that relationships are 75/25. You're not going to like everything, but if you're able to live with that 25%, and let it go, then do it.

You're not average, and Christopher, from the way you've described him, is not just another boyfriend.

You just have to decide if this is worth it in the end.


Sarah said...

So I went to therapy yesterday and I am feeling a lot better about things. She explains things so simply and matter of factly that it makes me feel silly for getting worked up in the first place.

But thank you for all of your kind comments (and confessions!) to put a girl in her place.

Arwen said...

Sarah - Thank you for sharing with us your trials and your insecurities AND your happiness. It's incredibly brave!

Bathwater said...

That is a very said way of looking at it. I think the work you put into a relationship will pay off in the end. Make sure that you are not the only one working at it though.

And enjoy each day.

truckermouth wife said...

It's kinda like the grass is greener on the other side syndrome. Just because the illusion of perfect is there, doesn't mean it really is (case in point, look at the Tiger Woods *situation* now!).

Everyone has problems. And honestly, I think people either blog/talk about the good times or blog/talk about the bad times. Rarely is there a happy medium.

Relationships have phases and if you want to evolve to the next phase, things change. It's just the way it is. The honeymoon period ends, but that doesn't mean it's downhill from there. There ARE good things to come.

I LOVED the honeymoon phase with my (now) husband. Staying up all night, talking, laughing, sex (dear god the sex!) but I wouldn't trade what we have now, almost 8 years later for anything in the world.

I highly doubt that you and Christopher are average. But even if you are? So what? Average is good. Average is stable. Average works. Besides, if you don't compare yourself to other couples, you won't be able to apply a label to your relationship :)

Anonymous said...

Pro/Con list! I would believe you'll find lots of reasons why Christopher is super important to you, and you to him, and you can start to redefine average. ;)

If overall you feel loved, and secure, and comforted and happy and laughing, then I'd say it's all worth it.


Anonymous said...

Average turns out the same way every time. Above average has turned out the same way every time. Below average has turned out the same way every time.

OK can we just break it down here really?

If it HADN'T turned out the same way every time you wouldn't be here. Right?

The little known secret...the thing I was talking about at dinner a while back is this - love, marriage, forever, real long-term relationships aren't easy.

EVERY person is average (duh!). It's the initial realization that you don't have a love story that rivals "The Notebook" that is crushinng. You don't have a love story good enough for a Hallmark movie of the week. Oh, wait, that's right those are fiction.

Life isn't fiction. You've gotten to the point in the relationship where you're seeing the real him. He's seeing the real you. The struggle is still seeing a beautiful intriguing sexy person that can turn you on when you can barely turn on a light. That's love.

And besides...who said he was just another boyfriend? Because he's real? He's fallible? He's legit?

I know I sound combative. I have been in your shoes. The crushing realization that he's just like everyone else...and so are you.

The only response I have to that is you're unique Sarah, just like everyone else.

Sultana said...

Maybe this time you average is going to turn out different?

Paige Jennifer said...

It is amazing how one 50-minutes session can put things in perspective.

Soup said...

I haven't been able to comment on this. You know I've been having doubts about my relationship and I hadn't felt in a position to be commenting on someone else's relationship when it appears to mirror my own predicament.

Since I posted that post, I've done a lot of thinking. And I've concluded that the thing for me to do right now, is to do nothing.

Maybe TM will turn out to be just another boyfriend. Maybe it will work out and we'll be ok. There are too many external factors with me at the moment and until I can rule those out, I don't want to walk away. Make sure you work out where the pressure is coming from.


Anonymous said...

I know if someone who refused to talk about the negatives where her husband was concerned, and found it to be tacky when other women did. When the divorce was going through, she divulged some of the uglier things.

The guy who takes the cake for me, is the one who was supposed to come and see me, and then chose to go to an exotic location instead, and slept with a couple of hookers. He knew I'd be upset - I was upset before he left, but cooled off a bit until the day after he left, when I felt apart. That my my December 2009.

Anonymous said...

*fell apart.


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