~Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Cashing In

I was at Christopher's apartment recently. (That feels like a duh statement, but bear with me here.) I was at his apartment and noticed that he had all of his cash stacked on the side table adjacent to his spot on the couch. I sucked in my breath when I saw it; I couldn't believe he would just leave it out like that.

I panicked a bit as I stared at the bills. Maybe I should tell him to put it away or to hide it, I thought. Maybe I should conveniently go in the bathroom while he does it so he knows that I don't know where it is. It took me cognitive thought to realize that Christopher left it out because he trusts me. He isn't going to call me up and accuse me of stealing his money like the ex constantly did. (It's funny how the things he accused me of doing are the exact same things he did to me. It's the fucked-up version of placing your values onto other people.) Now he's gone and I'm left standing in Christopher's apartment panicking and not trusting myself for the sole reason that my ex didn't trust me because he knew he wasn't trustworthy. I've never stolen a dollar in my life and yet I'm still allowing him to place his values on me like I'm some kind of bad person. I need to learn to trust myself again in so many ways.

I also realized that Christopher isn't going to take my money either, and that maybe it would be okay for me to start carrying cash again. I exhaled and felt the panic melt away.

Then it made me sad that I've been through so much that this is the way I think, versus the millions of other people out in the world that would have never thought twice about cash on the table. Like Christopher.

16 comments:

gekkogirl said...

Don't be too hard on yourself Sarah. One step at a time x

Dawn said...

Don't be sad, Sarah. Be sad for the people who don't have the thought processes that you have to get over the issues.

Be happy that you can see it. So many people don't. They just live with the values that were placed on them.

Curvy Jones said...

Your blog is amazingness on a computer screen. I always think I am normal untl I meet people who actually are. And then I realize I'm not. I feel like this is about the same thing. The abnormal was normal for so long that normal is abnormal. Hoping for normal to be normal again.

Sarah said...

Curvy J, thanks so much for explaining this so eloquently.

TexInTheCity said...

"Be happy that you can see it. So many people don't. They just live with the values that were placed on them."

I 2nd that emotion!

Breeza said...

I agree. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Langley said...

Open up to him in some way if you feel the need to reciprocate the feeling.

Langley said...

Open up to him in some way if you feel the need to reciprocate the feeling.

dont eat the token said...

It's okay, the panic will fade in time. Hey, my little brother is living with me again and you'd think I'd trust him but I don't. Though I tested him by leaving his rent money on the table for two weeks. But I keep hiding my purse.

When I was 18 I knew my terrible boyfriend was cheating on me because he started accusing me of it in wild and loud ways. Like, I was going to the mall and he flipped out.

It's just human psychology and you'll start to settle into your new life in no time. Our brains are amazing - they did this experiment where people wore glasses (head gear) that inverted the whole world. Pouring tea went up into the "upside down" glass, etc. People adapted within the day and lived like that for a couple weeks - even driving! Can you fricking imagine?! When they took off the glasses it took a few hours and they adjusted well back to normal. Your normal is on its way back.

I'm glad you know he trusts you and you trust Christopher.

nic said...

Hi! First time commenting, but I definitely identified with what you wrote here. I have had experience with my own ex who projected his "baggage" onto me. It's so exhausting!

There is an upside to all of it though. Having someone good and honest in your life can project itself onto you in time as well. You'll get there. Sounds like you already are. :)

V said...

Trust is hard, which makes its existence intentional.

It's always been my biggest internal hurdle, to relax my guard and trust someone who is in a position to take something material from me.

I'm fortunate when this internal dispute I have doesn't somehow mess up my relationships. I know what's more important, but that's not the automatic response. Sooner or later there's a ripple on my surface, an awkward moment that hints at the turbulence below.

I wish it could be changed instead of merely stifled.

J said...

It's funny how the things he accused me of doing are the exact same things he did to me. It's the fucked-up version of placing your values onto other people

So true! G did this to me to a certain extent. He always told me that he was worried I would cheat on him. The actual truth is that because he was cheating on me he thought I would do the same. Its a messed up way of thinking.

I am happy that you are realizing these things and moving forward. You are truly amazing.

meghansdiscontent said...

I actually think that you're a bit healthier than Christopher in this respect. I would find it odd and a little too trusting (naive, even) to leave a stack of money sitting out where anyone could get to it -- particularly in an apartment. You never know when the landlord/manager is going to let someone in to work on plumbing, electrical systems, etc.

Having said all of that, I agree that it is a sign that he trusts you and knows who you are inside and out.

Don't be ashamed or sorry for the lessons you've learned; just know where to apply them. And at Christopher's isn't one of those places.

Hamish said...

I totally agree with wsxwhx663.......

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Christopher obviously trusts you entirely and he seems comfortable with you. I understand why you had this reaction, I would too.. but this is a good thing.. You'll learn to trust yourself and others again.

"S" was not a good experience and took a lot away from you .. but the good news is you're surrounded with great people, like Chris, who will help to gain yourself back through the little things like leaving money out on the table.

Hamish said...

Awr thanks. Now I just look stupid....!

 

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