~Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Combating Crazy

I didn't even get to click "Publish" until the next wave of assault began.

S called me yesterday for the first time in around 4 months. All of a sudden I was grateful for his menacing text last week because I now knew the number and knew to avoid it.

It didn't stop my stomach from dropping at the realization it was him.

I felt nauseated.

I felt dizzy.

He left a long message and I stared at my phone like it was diseased. Then my phone rang again and it was him again. He left another message again.

I didn't want to listen to them, but I knew I had to. It's the same reason I haven't blocked his e-mail. I have to know if he's threatening me so I can protect myself.

I don't know what I expected. They could either be cussing me out for not allowing his last text to have a response, or they could be manipulative and apologetic to try to get me to contact him. I did not think it was going to be this:

He called me as if nothing happened. As if he didn't threaten me and my family. As if he didn't harass me via text. His lawsuit against the car that hit him way back when is going to court and he wanted more copies of the pictures I took and for me to testify on his behalf. Then he demanded I call him back to confirm I received his message.


I laughed it off. I was in a blind rage over his entitlement, but I still laughed it off.

And then I listened to the second message. He said he just called his lawyers and I can expect to hear from them. And if I don't cooperate, they are going to find me and subpoena me.

The blind rage mixed with intense fear.

I felt my skin flush.

I felt my chest tighten.

I felt myself begin to sweat.

I have taken very deliberate steps so that he could not find out where I live and where I work. My driver's license and car registration still uses an old address. My bills are sent to my mother's house with the exception of my power bill, which is under a different name. The only people who have been to my apartment are my mom, my dad, and my boyfriend. You need to get by three security access points to get to my apartment door. My apartment is my safe haven. And now all he has to do is get his lawyer to subpoena me and my information will be a part of his case file.

These are my options:

  • Ignore it. Ignore him and the lawyers and maybe they'll decide I'm not worthwhile.

  • Call up Little Lizard Insurance company, who he is suing, and give them the proper information they need to make this sham suit go away. (He lied on his police report and I know all the information that they can connect the dots with). If the suit is dropped, then no need to involve me.

That's about all I got.

Also, I'm thinking about dropping by the police station and starting a paper trail. Maybe file domestic violence report from last March. I have the pictures from when he choked me. My mother has her own set of pictures too.

I felt shame.

With every nutty thing he does, I layer guilt on myself for ever being with him when he is so obviously insane.

I went home last night and mechanically poured a large glass of red wine and mechanically watched The Biggest Loser. It's so exhausting living this way. Combating crazy when it isn't even my crazy. Struggling to keep me of sound mind and body.

I no longer felt anxious or angry or fearful.

I felt nothing.

I sat on the couch and tried to feel. I thought of the two friends I frantically sought advice from and tried to feel comfort. I thought of Christopher and tried to feel love. But I couldn't stir up anything, which, frankly, is a little frightening.

I feel hollow.

I feel dead inside.


Dawn said...


"With every nutty thing he does, I layer guilt on myself for ever being with him when he is so obviously insane."

Don't let him have this power over you.


Do anything and everything you need to do to protect yourself. That is imperative.

PamalaLauren said...

I wouldn't call the insurance company because that might piss him off more. But what I would do is put in either a harassment or stalking claim with the police. I mean you've asked this guy to stop contacting you and he hasn't. He's threatened you, and you have the proof for that, right? So perhaps by doing that you can get a restraining order and also make it impossible for the lawyers to find you if in fact he sends some out to find you.

Breeza said...

Yes, get a restraining order for sure. This has got to stop. And I wouldn't worry about his lawyers coming after you. He's a poor guy who has no money right? He probably can't afford an attorney and in most states, you don't get a public defender for a civil case. And if they do, tell them what you know and what's he done to you, and I'm sure they will leave you out of it.
Don't call the insurance company yet, but keep any proof you have.
Don't get too scared. You will be okay. Don't let him have this power over you. You are stronger than he will ever be.

TexInTheCity said...

Yes, it is time for a paper trail s do file some type of report with your local police.

Also, now that you know his number assign a different ring tone.


Cyber hugs and kisses,

kristin said...

i'm hugging you from across the state border.

i don't think they will let you file a belated domestic violence report. i would, however, go to the police station, explain the situation and inquire about a restraining order. i don't understand how they can subpoena you for a petty suit. i would breathe in and out and know that you're going to be okay. i'm sure of it. you're going to be more than okay.


Jaclyn said...

I'd agree with the need for a restraining order if he finds out where you live. I believe (and you should confirm this with the police) that they need to tell S where you live when you get a restraining order so that he does not accidentally violate the restraining order by coming near your home. Can you change your phone number so that he cannot contact you in this manner?

If you receive a subpoena, you should email the lawyer and state what information you have that is detrimental to S's case. They will not want to put you on the stand if they know that you will damage their case. I'd agree with Pamala's advice not to contact the insurance company since at this point, your primary goal should be to minimize contact with S and to try to reduce his anger. Hopefully, he is focused on his shoplifting, alcoholic new girlfriend and will stop interacting with you.

Langley said...

Restraining order. And don't co-operate unless you have a subpoena.

Never do anything that you don't have to do without going to jail.

You need him out of your life, for good.

restraining order sounds like the perfect end to this situation.

Erin said...

As someone previously stated, if you file a restaining order he will have your new address. You can't file any kind of assault/abuse charges after a certain time limit.

My advice, from dealing with a particularly crazy, abusive stalker is this: Call your cell provider and have the phone number he is calling you from blocked. When he calls you on another number, call the cell provider and have it blocked. He is still playing with you and, on some level, you are still participating in the drama. I say this as nicely as possible, but if you really wanted him out of your life you would cut EVERYONE related with him out- his stepmom, everyone. Simply stop answering calls. Don't be addicted to his drama. Even if his stepmom doesn't tell him that you're talking about him directly, I have a feeling that he can sense something. You are putting that energy out there if nothing else.

Your safety is not at state, you have made sure of that. Now, make sure he (and everyone he knows) can not contact you and play with your emotions like this. I would not worry about my safety with him any longer if I were you- this is just a residual effect of the fear you felt when you were with him. You are safe now. He is still a liar, please take everything he says with a grain of salt. I highly doubt there is even a legal case, he is simply trying to get you to talk to him.

SuvvyGirl said...

This too shall pass :)

meghansdiscontent said...

You may not even need to call and have your cellular provider block the call. Some phones have a setting which allows ONLY phone numbers stored in your Address Book to ring through and directs all others directly to voicemail.

It's a hassle at first - and you do still have to deal with the voicemail - but you don't have to feel the doom and dread you feel when the phone rings.

You've gotten through the worst parts of it; Being with him. You have a whole new life now. This is just a tiny pothole. Once you're over it - it's smooth road ahead. (even though I'm sure it feels 10,000 times worse)

Kelly said...

Don't do anything regarding S. and the Lawyers. He WANTS you to do something that's why he's calling and threatening you, he wants to get a reaction out of you and he's probably making up shit to get you to do what he wants which is communicate with him in any possible way, even if it's not actually talking to him but participating in his sick and insane law suit. In regards to protecting yourself...I would do anything I needed to feel safe and if that means creating a paper trail then go for it!

Anonymous said...

If you need to talk to a lawyer, get your own lawyer. See if there's any truth to what he said in his message. I have the feeling that he doesn't actually know much about what he was talking about :)

And I agree with Erin who said that in some way, you're still playing into the drama. Stop talking to his step-mom. Stop listening to his messages. You're going to be fine without the constant vigilance.

Bathwater said...

He is getting more desperate, you have control. Don't loose it. Let his lawyers contact you. You can give a statement you can give them the photos (if they ask) you do not need to see him.

You do not need to be in court with him. Do not return his calls. I know it is hard. Keep in mind it is twenty times harder for him not hearing from you.

Continue to be strong Sarah!!!!

J said...

I am the last one to offer advice but I think that I would go to the police and start a paper trail. Then if it continues you have the ground work laid to take action. Also, I would wait for the lawyer to come to you and if necessary get your own lawyer to deal with it. Hang in their girl...you have been handling this with such class and logic and I know that you will continue to do so. Hugs.

nicole said...

i definitely agree with everyone else and think you should definitely start a paper trail against him. i'm not sure whether or not you could press charges, as the time limits vary state to state, but you can definitely make sure there's a report on file. and pictures would be a huge plus to have on file with the pd too.
as for the restraining order. that was my first thought reading your post. but as a couple people stated, he would have to know your address so as to stay away from it. probably not a good idea since you're probably not sure he will, restraining order or not. he would also have to know christopher's address, and your work address, since you spend time in both those places as well, and anywhere else you frequent. not a good position to be in.
as for the "subpoena", i'm going to be yet another to call bullshit on him. IF (and that is a VERY LARGE IF) you get a subpoena, i agree with jaclyn, you should contact his "lawyer" and tell them what you know, and they'll keep you off the stand. also inform them that, since they contacted you, you would like your personal information to remain confidential, and for safety purposes s is not to be informed of your address, work or residential. if possible, bring copies of police reports (if you decide to file them). and be honest if they ask if you have a tpo, tell them you feel you're safer without one, as he has NO idea where to stay away from since he has NO idea where to find you. stress to them that you need to keep it that way. i'm sure they would leave you out of it, especially if them giving him that info would enable him to hurt you.
don't sweat this now.. he's threatening you to get a rise out of you. don't let him win, whether he knows he got to you because you talk to someone, or whether he doesn't know he got to you just because you're stressing about it.
i agree that you should probably cut ties with his stepmom. even if she mentions speaking with you, he'll know you're still keeping tabs on him. he needs to know that you are 100% cut off from him, and that's it.
keep doing what you're doing and ignore him. eventually he will realize that it's getting him nowhere and will stop trying to contact you. my best friend is dealing with this right now. her ex is psycho, though not quite to s's extent, but she has cut ties with him as well.
i don't know if this is an option for you, but i would suggest also changing your phone number. he's just going to keep trying to call you from every number he possibly can, until he gets you. the only way to stop that is to completely cut him off at the source. he can't call you or text you if he doesn't have your number. and he can't threaten you if he doesn't know where to find you or how to get ahold of you.
you're doing great by the way. =)

Arwen said...

Everyone has offered the same support that I thought about...definitely get a restraining order...definitely change the ring tone but I don't think blocking the number is right. As you said, you need to know when he's contacting and threatening you. Getting the police involved is important. Another thought I have is contacting a women's abuse shelter...I know you aren't still being abused but often they have amazing advice and resources for helping you combat his harassment. I know you feel embarrassed, but I believe it's time you take further control and really move past S. I mean, you're living behind a veil, which (as you've said) is exhausting. And, in my opinion, it's not healthy. Of course, this is all suggestions. What I really want is for you to be healthy and happy! Hugs!!!

AmyB said...

Oh shit. You are allowing him to have power over you, which is the WORST thing you can do right now. Call the insurance company he's suing and fucking TAKE HIM DOWN. He doesn't deserve a damn thing from you or anyone. And then go to the police station and whip up a paper trail like none other. Take back that power, Sarah, or this vicious cycle will likely never end. I know you can do it. Look how far you've already come... HUGS.

Lauri said...

Let him know, through his "lawyers" naturally when and IF they contact you (I have the feeling he's bullshitting) that your testimony will NOT help their case and tell them why...I agree with everyone - get a restraining order - report everything you can report - definitely start a paper trail...you are NOT to blame for this...he's using whatever he can to manipulate you - what a desperate asshole...

nic said...

Seriously? I don't...actually yes I do...know why you haven't already filed reports. If nothing else, simply to have a record. I'd advise you to go to a police station and provide whatever detailed information you have and ask them what your options are. They will tell you. I took this step once and didn't do anything with it, but I understood my rights better and the "process" to protect myself by law.

For you, either way, it sounds like it will end up in court. Choose it on YOUR terms, not his. Get an emergency restraining order before he forces you into any additional contact with him. You may never get your "life" back otherwise.

dont eat the token said...

I believe you felt nothing that night because you were protecting yourself. It has no real emphasis on how you feel about Christopher or your friends, you were just hiding behind the best wall you could construct. I hope you can talk to these people about Scott-hole right now, though, because I believe you will benefit from their strength, too.

I don't have a clue how to handle this thing, but it sounds good to start a paper trail, record the voicemails, forward the texts to another source, etc. If you put a restraining order on Scott-hole would that help you in this whole lawsuit thing? (keep you from having to go)?

So sorry girl, be strong!


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