~Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Broken Up and Broken Down

It has been several months since I have heard from S's step-mother, probably not since the new year. It felt strange not talking to her—and I thought about calling her more than once—but I know in order for me to be healthy there has to be some distance.

That's one thing that sucks about breakups; you're not just losing someone who was once the closest person to you in the world, but you also lose a litany of friends and relatives in the process. I don't think there are many people who truly care about me out there, so to give up his father and step-mother are truly loses for me.

However S's step-mom called me while I was at work on Friday. I knew for her to call me in the middle of the day that something was up. She asked if I had heard from S recently. I told her about the phone calls and voice messages I received a couple of weeks ago, but I had not spoken to him since last September.

She said she was calling to alert me that S is in jail. She said S "did to his new girlfriend what he did to [me]." Apparently Convict Rehab Girlfriend was breaking up with him and they got into an argument and S called his dad, saying he thought he was about to be arrested. He told his dad Convict Rehab was getting arrested for domestic violence and he was getting arrested for disturbing the peace. A quick phone call to the jail by one of S's family members confirmed that S was in jail for domestic violence and under a mandatory 72-hour hold.

She elaborated, telling me that Convict Rehab's father and grandfather are both state judges and the grandfather had shown up to the scene. So basically S is screwed. Shit creek and all that jazz. She also said that S was fired the week before from Marshall's where he had been working since rehab. She said a whole bunch of other details that I've already forgotten because it's just S's lies that I don't even have the energy or the care to follow anymore, but basically he lied about why he was fired and everyone suspects he is using again. I said I don't think he ever stopped. His mother is already planning which parent he is going to live with when he gets out of jail. S's father laughed really hard and hung up the phone on her after telling her that S is 34 and it's time for him to grow up or fall down.

I asked when this happened, when was S arrested. She said the night before last. Wednesday night. I thought about what I did on Wednesday night: I went to therapy, came home and called Christopher and my mom to discuss what I learned in therapy (daddy issues, shocker), had a quick bite to eat while I watched American Idol and Real World and went to bed early so I could watch an episode of Felicity before falling asleep. It was a good, relaxing night and I slept very well. I've almost forgotten about the nights I used to have with S. Obviously his nights have stayed the same.

I've learned several things by this latest incident:

It. Wasn't. My. Fault. Yes, I know this has been told to me and discussed extensively in therapy and there is a very emotional scene in Good Will Hunting over the same topic, but I always believed I contributed to the fights with my sharp tongue and I knew just what to say that would push his buttons (see: Go take a dump in some other girl's car). Convict Rehab is a whole other person with a whole other attitude and the same thing happened to her. He didn't hit her over anything I said and did. It wasn't my fault.

The story is that Convict Rehab went to jail too. I do not know if this is true or not. My mother once asked me why I never called the police after one of his attacks. I told her it was because he told me he would lie and ensure I would go to jail too. It was enough to frighten me and not do it. I was not willing to risk going through the embarrassment of handcuffs and mug shots and finger printing and sitting in the scariest jail in the state over something that wasn't my fault. And it sometimes happens. I've seen Cops. If the police can't figure the story out, then both will go to jail. If Convict Rehab was arrested too, then I know I made the right decision for me to not get the police involved.

I always felt like I was the catalyst that made S's life go to pot. He was progressively getting worse by attacking me more and more frequently towards the end of the relationship, but while he was with me, he had an apartment and a job. Then I leave, sticking him with the apartment I know he could not afford alone and he no longer had to hide his alcohol and drug use, so he quickly got fired from work and evicted from the apartment. Then he started going to the hospital for attention and called me and his family members with threats of suicide. He never pulled that crap while we were together. Then there was the psychotic break and the stints in a mental institution and two rehabs and getting kicked out of both of them and getting fired again and now getting arrested. (My god, he's been busy). Besides getting fired, none of that happened while he was with me; he was arrested when he was with every other girlfriend but me. I learned that I wasn't the catalyst; I was what held him together. I made him a better person for as long as I could stand it. And I'm kind of proud of that. I am a good and worthy person.

I heard he was able to leave jail long enough to go to the hospital again. This time for anxiety. He was scheduled to be arraigned Monday morning and I don't know if he was bonded out. I know his parents claimed they weren't going to do it. But the step-mother called to warn me because he has a tendency to contact ex-girlfriends when his current relationship is in trouble. It makes me a little nervous, but not nearly to the extent his contacts used to scare me.


La Femme said...

Good for you for getting that it wasn't your fault. I know sometimes it takes something like this for the light bulb to go on, and I'm glad your light bulb is now shining brightly!

It only gets better from here, girl. Nothing but better.

TexInTheCity said...

You were a good and worthy person then.
You are a good and worthy person now.
Sarah, you ARE a good and worthy person, period.

Anonymous said...

You sound so much happier and clearer about what really happened. And yes, you are a good and worthy person.

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

That must be a hard story to hear but I'm glad it has helped you see that it really wasn't your fault.

You just got sucked into the whirlwind of disasters that is S's life.

You're an even stronger person for it, although I would never wish for this to happen to anybody.

Curvy Jones said...

Well good goddamn that boy's got some problems. Hooray that he's DONE make HIS problems part of YOUR problems.

*washes hands of him*

Bathwater said...

You are a good person and described all the signs of a good codependent (and I know). It isn't easy it let them go and let them make their own mistakes.

We have our own lives to fix.

Annie said...

Wow. Just wow. Hadn't read the crap story. Holy moly. And isn't hindsight wonderful? He is MOST definitely a second or third stage alky because that's what happens to the real functional ones. They can almost appear sober but the sphincter betrays them every time. Trust. Good for you for developing such amazing insight. ~A

Anonymous said...

Sara, I'm really glad that you are no longer involved with this fool.

J said...

You are amazing, of course you held him together, that is painfully obvious. I am so thankful that you got out of that situation.

nuttycow said...

It wasn't your fault. I'm so pleased that you've managed to get out of this one and that you're starting to rebuild your life the way you want it.

You know where I am.

Anonymous said...

If TexInTheCity hadn't beat me to it already I would have posted what she's written.

take care of you Sarah and just as you aren't as scared as you used to be, you won't be scared AT ALL in time.

twononblondes said...

After reading this post, I went back and read your entire story from the beginning. It took me all weekend. I felt like I was spying on you and that I was reading something so private but I couldn't stop. You are an unbelievably strong person to come out the other end of this with your sanity and hope still intact. You are such a good person and I wish nothing but the best for you. I do wish you would have gotten a restraining order against S though. Now it might be too late and might even agitate him.


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