~Friday, March 05, 2010

Queen of Space

Space? He wants space? Well I'm the Queen of Space. I think he just doesn't want any accountability.

So I send a few texts to MJoy and set the phone back on my nightstand to presumably remain silent until it acts as my alarm in the morning. I roll over in bed and resume watching my DVD of Felicity. It's early in season two and she's just cut her hair. It's been 10 years and I still haven't gotten over this.

Another episode begins. I would normally be asleep by this hour, but I'm not tired as of yet. I haven't cried, I haven't anything. My phone chimes from the nightstand. A text.

"Good night," it reads. From Christopher.

Queen of Space I think, and I go back to Felicity. I was always Team Ben. And Team Noel.

***

Monday I head over to MJoy's for some girl talk and shopping. We shopped together the day before, but now I had a whole other excuse to spend money on myself.

I'm browsing the racks at Kohl's when my purse vibrates. I fish out my phone, assuming it's MJoy who was on her way. I picked up the call before looking at the screen. It reads "C Dad," Christopher's father from up north.

Christopher's parents are older, which makes total sense because Christopher is almost 8 years older than me. But I still never get used to the sound of his voice. It's innocent and endearing, a grandparent's voice.

"I'm sorry to bother you," his voice shakes, "but I've been calling Christopher since 11 am and he hasn't answered the phone. I've called him at least 10 times. Have you seen him?"

I check my watch. It's 8 pm. "He's sleeping," I state matter-of-factly.

"No, that's impossible. I've been calling since 11 am."

"No, he's sleeping," I state again. I take a breath, "We had sort of a falling out last night. But he's had this cold--"

"I know he has a cold," the father defends his son before he even knows why.

"And he's been taking," I feel myself begin to filter my words, "an antihistamine to sleep off the cold. So he's awake all night and sleeps all day." I almost mention the temporary job that Christopher got then promptly quit, but obviously Christopher has been shielding his parents.

"Oh." There's silence. I feel stupid having this conversation in Kohl's with the background music playing. "I'm really worried about him," his voice shakes again.

I sigh, unemotional. "I am too. I've tried to take him out and get some food in him, but he doesn't want to leave his apartment. He's just in a real dark place right now."

I know his father knows of real, dark places too. I wonder if he knows that I know.

"I'm sorry for bothering you," he repeats.

I've never met him, but I love Christopher's father. I openly wish he was my father. I try to sound cheery, "It's no problem. You may call anytime."

I hang up the phone and for the first time I feel a rush of grief. Whatever chances Christopher and I had are now gone because I spoke to his father. I wish I had checked my phone first.

I called my mother in a panic. My previous experience with a boyfriend's family was traumatic. S's parents would call to talk and I'd talk back normally, not knowing S lied about this or was deceitful about that. He would find out and then scream at me that I'm not allowed to talk to his parents ever. If they were to call, I wasn't allowed to pick up. He would get in my face and scream at me to stay out of his life, which confused me because we were in a relationship and living together. I imagined that Christopher would send a text saying to stay out of his life and that would be the end of that.

My mother told me not to worry. That the father needed to know what was going on. She said I put Christopher's welfare above my own want to be with him by telling the father what I did. Didn't I want Christopher to get better? I spoke the truth.

MJoy didn't share my fear when I told her what happened. She's constantly telling me to not compare Christopher with S. I don't think I'm consciously doing that; I'm just drawing from my previous experiences.

After that I couldn't smile or even talk. She was shopping happily and I was unable to interact. When she asked what next, I said alcohol.

We went to her favorite bar, the one she always writes about. She spoke while I mainly listened. It took me two hours to drink two beers.

Almost home, I fish for my phone again to let MJoy know I was safe. There were three texts from Christopher. The first one was commentary on The Bachelor, the second one apologized for his father calling me, and the third read, "Bye forever."

"Bye forever" is a joke I use with him. If I'm, say, going to go get something out of the car, I'll wave at the door and cheerily call, "Bye forever!" But I can't read emotion in text and our relationship is in a precarious position and he is depressed.

I flip my left turn signal on and head to his apartment. I am the Queen of Space no more.

15 comments:

Dawn said...

A cliffhanger? Are you kidding me?

Sigh...

Curvy Jones said...

I'll keep you both in my thoughts. My fingers are crossed, but behind my back, so you won't see that I am rooting for this to work out, somehow, some way ;)

Christopher's dad sounds so incredibly sweet. I almost teared up reading how much he cares.

Bathwater said...

Hmmmm.

Sarah said...

Dawn, it wasn't intentional this time, I swear! The post was getting long and I got tired of typing!

Curvy, I've never met anybody with a bigger heart. He volunteers at food banks, for fun. It's so foreign for me seeing a man who openly cares and loves because I've never been around that before.

Dawn said...

LOL, Sarah! Fine! :)

I'm away for the weekend -- in your neck of the woods, actually -- so don't feel pressured to write more until Monday. I'm saying that so that *I* won't feel like I'm missing out on something until I return.

I hope you have a nice weekend, no matter if it's with space or not with space. Hmmmm.

:)

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Ahh ! What happened next ?

For the record, I think you did the right thing in talking with his dad. You shouldn't feel bad, you and his father are both concerned about Christopher so it's normal to talk about it. Plus, it's not like you call his father, he called you.

Annie said...

"It's so foreign for me seeing a man who openly cares and loves because I've never been around that before."

Not trying to be mean here, but that's why you'll probably always gravitate to selfish jerks like Christopher. Even thought there is a horde of lip and print service paid by you to wanting the exact opposite; the truth is we all subconsciously gravitate to what is comfortable and what is familiar because it will always feel like home. Even if it's painful.

These patterns will NEVER change until you learn to recognize the motivations behind the behavior, while in the midst of the choice. Whether you are insightful enough at this age is unknown, most of us are not. There is a payoff for you in these choices and until you sort that out nothing will change.

It's really not about Christopher at all. He will find way or not. With or without you. But he will not change. He will also continue to be selfish and not take responsibility and accountability for his life and choices and continue to selfishly worry sick the people that dare to care for him.

As you get older, the landscapes of the problems may change over time and the amounts involved may change over time but the basic reaction of an established personality will not. Yours, nor his.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

xAnnie

Em Static said...

I found your blog through Curvy Jones, and.. Wow. I'm hooked.

Breeza said...

Oh boy. I'm hoping for you guys to work it all out. xx

dont eat the token said...

This all sounds really tough. I am proud of you for trying to keep aware your emotions, of course you can feel angry over this. Anger, not rage, is healthy and gives us strength to defend ourselves.

He sounds depressed. And depression is really selfish.

I hope he can own up to his actions. I hope you don't lose yourself in trying to help him. x

J said...

I need to know what happened! I hope it all went well...thinking of you!

nicole said...

i agree with annie! my first several boyfriends were horrible to me. emotionally abusive. and because my dad had a bad relationship once with someone i only met a couple times, he forced me to go to al anon, alateen, and a therapist. while in those programs i learned that i dated the guys i did because i was used to being treated that way. my dad (the same dad that forced me into those programs) treated me the same way. he's highly sexist and racist. he would tell me that i didn't need school or a job because my place was in the kitchen. once he threw me out of the house because his scissors fell behind his desk, and he though that i had stolen them. it was snowing. he found them 10 hours later, and sent my brother to find me at the neighbors house. he never apologized.
anyway, long story short, i knew why i dated these horrible guys, but i couldn't figure out why i kept finding them and couldn't get away from them. it took a suicide attempt on my part (over another piece of shit boy) and a court ordered psychiatrist to help me figure out how to get away from the cycle. my other therapist had told me that i didn't need a relationship, i needed to be alone. my new dr told me instead, i think it's good you date, and i think you do need it. but next time you're looking for a boyfriend, date someone you wouldn't normally date. i will always remember that because the next guy i dated, i followed his advice, and i ended up marrying that guy. it's been rocky, like all marriages, but he's been the best guy in my life. i couldn't ask for a better husband.
i don't know you, or christopher, and i don't know your history with him or anything, but just from what i've read since you started talking to him again, he seems like the kind of guy you wouldn't normally go for.. he is good to you, he's important to you. you care about him, and he cares about YOU.
i'm glad that you made that turn and headed to his house. even if you did leave us hangin ;)
i hope he pulls through this and gets better soon.
btw, thanks for the comment on my blog =) it feels great to have him home finally.

gekkogirl said...

Oh Sarah... I hope it went well. Sending you love, light and strength x

Anonymous said...

I dunno, it seems like you found someone new to SAVE, which is not your job! He has been unemployed this whole time!?! And he is depressed? So....just so we are clear, his parents are supporting him financially while you are supporting him emotionally and he is doing , um, what, for himself? Or the world?
Why don't you find a boy that doesn't NEED saving? Like, can stand on his OWN two feet. In every way. And can support YOU emotionally?

Miss Devylish said...

Because I read the one where you're back on, I'm a little w/ the others that depression can suck you in and rob you of the light you just got back. I watched another girlfriend just go thru this.. Be careful ok? Depression is a very slippery issue to address when it's got hold of someone you're dating.. He has to make a move to save himself.. it can't be all on you.. Just cuz I care.. you know.. all virtually and stuff. <3

 

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