~Thursday, May 06, 2010

Choosing

It was at this point that I started questioning my intelligence. Here is a 36-year-old man who publicly declared that not only does he never want to marry anyone, but also he doesn't love me. If this wasn't the warning sign I needed to know the relationship has run its course, then I don't know what it would take.

Intellectually, I knew the relationship was over and I had to break it off. Emotionally, I was still lingering. Yeah, he is very self-centered, but he does care for me. I know he does.

My friends started treating me like a victim. M-Joy text messaged me a few days later to make sure I was okay. Harvey greeted me with, "Heeeeey, how aaaare youuu?" and a sympathetic head tilt. I don't want to be viewed as a victim; I don't feel like a victim. If I was going to feel like a victim, it would have been when I went through the verbal and physical abuse. This? This was nothing. This was just me being embarrassed in front of my friends.

I met up with Harvey and a few others a week later while I was avoiding Christopher. It was the boys of the group who were incensed by the George Clooney comment, not the girls.

"This guy is still saying he's George Clooney?" laughed Government Mule, who wasn't even at my birthday party. "He's been saying that since Thanksgiving."

I did not know he'd been telling my friends this since Thanksgiving. For the record, I've never heard him say the George Clooney comment at all. Whenever he spoke to me, he always used the Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn example.

I shook my head. "Man, Thanksgiving, that was back when things were good."

"Except for the whole hitting on Katie thing," reminded Harvey.

"Oh, you mean when he hit on fill in the blank?" smirked Government Mule. "It was every girl there, not just Katie."

I did not know that either. Christopher always denied hitting on her, but I know what I saw. And I know it wasn't one of those I don't realize I'm flirting things. He kept sitting down next to her and putting his arm around her. I called him out on it and told him to stop. And when she got up and sat in a chair, he followed her and squeezed in the chair and put his arm around her again. He actually asked my permission and told me he was going over there to talk to her. About me.

Then Harvey's husband stands up in the bar we were at last weekend and starts doing his Christopher impression. I also didn't know there was an impression among my friends. I had stopped taking him to Harvey's parties because he would always get too drunk to the point where he was falling down. I wasn't even falling down on my birthday. I felt a little protective Christopher during the impromptu impressions.

My friends insist I can do better. They say I deserve to be driven on a date. I deserve to be treated like a lady. It shouldn't always be me doing things in a parent-child relationship. They say I deserve someone who can take care of me. That last remark rubs me the wrong way a bit, because if anything, I have proven I can take care of myself if I'm taking care of others. I run my own house, keep with with my finances, set my own goals. I don't need someone to swoop in and do it for me. I just want some emotional support when I feel overwhelmed. Maybe that's what they mean, for me not to try so hard all the time.

Anyway, I agree with them. Whenever I watched 16 and Pregnant, I always saw a lot of similarities between Christopher and the teenage fathers who are little more than sperm donors. I remember the episode where one girl was actively giving birth and the father said he was bored and asked the girl to scoot over in the bed. While she was having contractions. And I distinctly remember thinking that that would be something Christopher would do. He doesn't see other people's emotions, only his own. When I told him that something was wrong with me medically because of my thyroid medication, he said he needed to get checked. He showed no concern for me. I don't have a thyroid; my life is dependent on drugs and it scares me. And he didn't care. I recognize he isn't a partner. He isn't someone who would ever support me in the way I want to be supported.

So I had to choose. Do I want the possibility of the life I always imagined I would have, or do I want Christopher?

I chose something that may never happen.

18 comments:

Dawn said...

You said:

"So I had to choose. Do I want the possibility of the life I always imagined I would have, or do I want Christopher?

I chose something that may never happen."

To which I say:

But really, REALLY, isn't it better to be alone and happy than with someone and miserable? It is.

BUT, you are NOT going to be alone forever. You WILL find your partner. It's just not the person you thought/hoped it would be. He's out there, though.

Breeza said...

It will happen. Maybe not for a long time, but it's so much better than being with him. Being alone sometimes sucks. But it is WAY better than putting up with someone like Christopher. xx

Curvy Jones said...

It definitely wouldn't have happened with Christopher. Not saying he's a bad person because I am sure he has his positive traits. Shame he doesn't show them when it counts. I wish him the best of luck in life without you, and you the best of luck and happiness in taking a much needed step for YOU.

We've chatted, so you know how I feel already. I'm just... disappointed. And I think what that is about is that there was so much potential. You are not a high maintenance person. There are relationship BASICS that he could not fulfill, for you.

Disappointing.

I hoped for more from him. Expected better from him.

But you know what? I told myself this after FK and I split: If I was even moderately happy with someone who was not right for me, imagine what it will be like with the one who IS right for me?

That's what got me out of bed, everyday and kept me moving forward and past him.

You, my sweet, lovely friend, are ALREADY just fine.

unfetteredsultana said...

that george clooney comment to your friends was a bit off, he's supposed to be grown up. anyway, dawn just summed up pretty much what i wanted to say regarding the choices you have.

J said...

You made the right choice. He wasn't giving you what you need or deserve. You will find the right one...

Bathwater said...

Being alone and away from such people opens ourselves up to better opportunities. They won't happen if Christopher is still there they might if he is gone.

It is a lesson I have to keep telling myself concerning Tinkerbell and it isn't an easy one to swallow.

V said...

It's better to be alone and miserable, than with someone and miserable. With the former, there's one step to happiness, while with the latter, there are two steps.

trinity2 said...

Good riddance to Christopher, Sarah, but beware of friends making fun of who you date behind your back. It's disrespectful. They are disrespecting you and your relationships. It makes me wonder if they will do the same with whoever you date. No one is perfect but if there's always a standard to be lived up to then no one will ever live up to it.

Statlady said...

You are a strong and special person, and you deserve good treatment. From your friends, from your lovers, and from your dog. And you are getting good at realizing that you have great value and deserve good treatment -- that is the hardest thing to shake off after someone like S. Really, really important that you did it. No matter what happens next. I am so very, very impressed, since I know it took me at least twice as long to get to that point. You are incredible!

Sarah said...

Thank you. Truly, thank you :)

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

God Sarah, you're strong. I'm always impressed at your strength .. you're a role-model to me. This is a step in the right direction for you, I'm sure you made the right decision. You're definitely not a victim, you see a situation that isn't working and you TAKE ACTION ! That's the most important part :)

Syd said...

You know, I think after your ex, you almost needed someone like Christopher to be the buffer person. (You didn't deserve the treatment on your birthday, however) - but I think the first guy after your ex would have seemed great, despite the numerous flaws Christopher turned out to have. And now - I think you'll be ready to meet someone quality, because you aren't going to suffer fools anymore. Life's too short.

Do you ever read back to your earlier entries? You should - I remember when I first started reading your blog and the girl who was writing then is not the woman writing now. You should be proud of where you are and who you are now, regardless if there's a guy in your life.

Smiley said...

I think that you are too wonderful and lovely for it to never happen for you. I'm no good at relationship opinions (hence why I am mostly a lurker) but whether it takes 10 minutes or 10 years I truly believe someone who deserves you will appear.

SuvvyGirl said...

Good choice :)

freckledk said...

Even when you are with someone, you can be alone. Christopher isn't present in this relationship.

The longer you stay with Christopher, the less time you have to meet that right person. Don't worry about being part of a couple, but focus on becoming the best "Single Sarah" that you can be. That in itself will attract the sort of man you should be dating.

that camel woman said...

I think this guy (from experience)has a form of Aspergers.

Prettylyf said...

Wow Sarah so sorry you've had to go through this. But I'm glad you're making the right decision for you. I agree you deserve and you will find much better.

Nurboat2 said...

You simply chose opportunity over sure stagnation! I just lucked upon your blog today and I haven't read nearly enough about you; however, I can say with confidence, you chose a chance. And that is better than sure pain any old day. Cheers to you and the future you gave yourself. Your hope and courage are admirable.

 

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