~Friday, May 07, 2010

Epilogue

Christopher called on Monday.

"You sound off," he said.

"I know. I have been telling you for a month now that I feel off and I think it's my thyroid medication," I said exasperated.

"Well are you off towards me or off in general?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I dunno."

"Yes, you do know," he pressed.

Dammit, he did know it. He knew exactly what was going on because I didn't call him at all that week and barely returned his calls. My phone log usually reads 20 calls placed to Christopher, 8 calls received, and 4 missed. Now my phone read 4 calls placed to Christopher, 20 calls received and 15 missed. He knew, hence the I miss you text from the night before.

Look, I will waffle. I will take forever to make up my mind about something, but once I do, I immediately act. I decided I wanted out with S on a Sunday and I broke my lease and moved out the next morning. There was no talk and then cohabitating and yelling and sleeping on couches. I was gone.

So I told Christopher. I recounted how he told me and my friends that he's the next George Clooney and he never loved me. I told him I didn't think he could come back from something like that. I told him that I've been unhappy. I told him I polled people over the last week and not only do 100% respond that it's weird he's never driven me, they also think it's indicative of our relationship.

And he denied the whole thing.

"I didn't say that. I didn't say anything about George Clooney. I didn't say that I didn't love you. You're crazy."

This was the same argument S would use. He would deny, deny, deny and then tell me I was crazy, indicating that the problem was me. I HATE this argument. Mainly because it deflates me. What do you say to that? "Nuh uh, I'm not crazy!"

"Yes, you did Christopher," I pleaded.

"Your friends are lying."

"You said it to me," I pressed gently. "You looked me in the face and said it."

Maybe he was so drunk that he didn't remember, but obviously he did to bring up the whole marriage argument with Harvey the next morning.

Then his next tactic was to argue with the statement "My 10 closest friends." He insisted there were 6 for some inexplicable reason and that this would make a difference. I got sucked into it and started counting my friends on my fingers.

"Look the bottom line is that love and marriage and children are in my life plan and it's not in yours," I stated, trying to steer the conversation back.

"Marriage is an institution designed to-"

I cut him off. "It's what I want."

"I can't believe you of all people want to get married with the way your parents' marriages turned out."

That hurt. That really hurt.

"It makes me want it more than ever so I won't be like them."

"I can't believe this is a deal breaker for you."

"It is."

He huffed. "You should be mad at your friends. They turned you against me. Girls are mean like that. You should be angry with them not me."

"I have thoughts independent from my friends," I said meekly. "The driving thing bugged me, not them."

"Then I'll drive you. I'll take you out in a limo. I will spend all the money I have on you," he pleaded.

"It's not about the money. It's about feeling cared for."

Then we circled the argument how he doesn't drive because he would rather drink beer and he doesn't want a DUI. So I say exactly, he's always chosen beer over me by not driving. He shoots that he likes to drink when he goes out and can't just have one. I stick with the beer is more important than me line.

He said abruptly that he still wants to hang out and be friends and I cheerfully respond absolutely. He's a good person and he makes a good friend, he's just a lousy boyfriend. And apparently it was too soon to switch in friends gear because he took real offense to the last statement.

I hung up the phone, cried lightly for half of an hour and then was over it.

People keep asking me how I am. I am disappointed. I am disappointed that we could have been so much. I am disappointed that he didn't take care of the relationship, he didn't take care of me. I am disappointed that he didn't live up to who I thought he was. I'm disappointed he's going to be just another guy, like I feared.

I'm not heartbroken. I never spoke of him or our relationship in terms of forever. I never daydreamed of us moving in together. I don't think that my father knows that we were still dating because they haven't heard me say a word about him since Thanksgiving. I think I knew all along that this was going to be summed up to one, giant disappointment.

Sigh.

12 comments:

J said...

Sigh indeed. I also hate the "you're crazy" argument. It appears to me that he was grasping in all of his counter points.

I am sorry that he was a disappointment. I thought he was better than all of this. Just know that you are better off and the right one will come along soon enough.

Bathwater said...

Good for you, I'm glad you stayed focused on the argument. I'm sorry things didn't work out though but you did your part.

It is so much easier giving others encouragement *sigh* :)

DianaL said...

I think the hardest part is sticking with what you want after you realize what that is and not backing down from it, not even when he makes you doubt it. You'll find someone who doesn't make you question yourself and what you want. Now you have one less wanker to worry about.

dont eat the token said...

I think you've done something wonderful for yourself here.

So sorry you feel disappointed. But it sounds like you are caring for yourself and believing in yourself and that is valuable!

It's okay to want what you want, and you're NOT crazy.

Peach said...

Sarah you ROCK! You DID IT! Not only the finishing with C thing - but the making YOURSELF matter! You stood up to someone who was making you feel low. You didn't cuss or get wild, you thought about it. You discussed it with yourself and others. You even discussed it with him... and without realising were totally open to him making amends and him changing...

He didn't and you decided that wasn't good enough for you.... you TOTALLY ROCK...

it's probably the hardest thing to do in the world !!! Especially after the relationship with Scott - because C probably compared pretty well - but what's that for a comparison! You realised you are worth more than an empty box, boy did I tear up when you wrote that a post or two ago, and I am SO PROUD of you for sticking with it and telling him and putting YOURSELF and YOUR FEELINGS FIRST!

Woo - well well done. And now, things can only only get so much better...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Valerina said...

I've been following your blog for a while now, and I have read all your posts at least twice (now I sound like a stalker). You deserve HEAPS better than this guy and the last guy and all the guys before. You're funny, you're bright, witty, intelligent, and heaps of awesome friends to support you. You don't need him! ^_^

Amy said...

As hard as this is/was, I'm proud of you for being definitive about this situation and about what you want. You've arrived, Sarah -- good things are ahead now that you closed that door and opened a new one.

freckledk said...

Don't you feel just a little bit empowered by this, even if you are still mourning the loss? Remember this feeling when you begin to feel a little lonely. Remember the truth to your argument when you start to rationalize giving him another shot. You did the right thing - the best thing for you. Be proud of yourself and remember that feeling when you feel your resolve beginning to crumble. Ride it out, because it will most certainly pass.

Bravo to you, Sarah!

Paige Jennifer said...

Job. Well. Done.

No one said it would be the easiest thing to tackle. But we all knew you could (and would) do it.

Miss Devylish said...

You tried. It didn't work. He isn't as strong as you need a partner to be or as worthy. You were direct and handled it maturely. You should be proud. Remember how many frogs we'll kiss? A lot. You'll find your prince sugar.. you will.. xo

Miss Devylish said...

PS - I just read some of the other posts.. and I had to add: I think you dedicated too many to that jackass.. Seriously? The bargaining a cabbie AND a homeless guy on the same night minutes apart? Wow. AND a horrid birthday gift just after he didn't know where you lived? AND flirting w/ your friends and denying it? Omg.. sister..I didn't realize he was that bad.. but now? Yeah. You dodged a bullet. xo

Prettylyf said...

*sigh* breathe in and out..you deserve way much more and leaving him was the right thing to do and with time everything will all fall into place :) so cheer up. And it was just low of him to drag your parents into it:(

 

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