~Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Online Dating, why do you have to suck?

I'm not doing that well with Internet dating.

First of all, I haven't actually gone out on a date. I'm not even getting that far. Apparently boys don't like it when you go four, five days or even a week or two without responding. But, ugh, I can't really be bothered with it. This whole e-mailing your list of fantasies, requirements and expectations isn't really what I would like to be doing right now. I went out of town a couple of weekends ago to go to my friend's cabin in the moutains for some quality time and some tubing down the river. We had such a good time that we are planning a white water rafting trip down the 96' Olympic rapids course before the summer is over. I'd much rather be out there and living than chained to my e-mail account on some free dating website.

Then people tell me I need to up my investment and get on a pay site to avoid all the crazies, but, ugh, I can't really be bothered with that either. From what I understand, that's just a whole lot more e-mailing and questionnaire completing and that sounds like more work, not less. I just want to log in every couple of weeks, check my e-mail and respond how I see fit.

I was e-mailing with this one guy, but he seemed much more into it than me. Y'all, it is it BORING to sit there and type out what you want in a man, only to have him say "that's me!" Because, one, I don't believe him. Two, everyone thinks they are funny and caring and easy going. That and chemistry can only be determined by face time and spending every day for weeks e-mailing someone is really just a waste of time. I get bored about three e-mails in and just quit.

This same guy asked me my short-term and long-term goals. This is a good question that I believe should be asked. My short-term goal is to buy a house in the next couple of years. My long-term goal is to settle down within the next 10 years. Well that took care of him responding. But seriously, if I said I wanted to be settled down in the next three years, then I would have to meet someone TODAY and then date for a couple of years and then be engaged for another year. That is way too much pressure. And, ugh, I can't be bothered with it.

I'm open for something happening organically, but my heart isn't in prowling for it.


Anonymous said...

I hear ya. I'm not into online dating either. Definitely want it to happen organically.

Lpeg said...

I love this post, and I love the "that's me!.. I don't believe him" comment. It's so true, but made my just about choke on my lunch when I read that.

Online dating is hard, and I agree with you - sometimes I find myself getting wrapped up in the emailing, and then come to find out that he isn't much of a catch. You're right about the face to face chemistry, and sometimes? It's just easier to meet someone in person.

When I have used online dating sites in the past, I usually cut to the chase. If he seems sincere and normal, then I suggest we meet up for coffee as opposed to emailing. Public place, short meeting, and then go from there. Instead of wasting three weeks emailing to find out you can't imagine even kissing the dude.

Good luck. xx.

Jaclyn said...

You've been through a lot, and this could be a sign that you just need a break for a little while. I needed to take breaks from dating sometimes because it is a lot of work. When you feel ready and refreshed, you will be able to respond in a timely fashion. If you continue while you are frustrated, the guys will just move on while you take days to write back to them and you will feel even more annoyed. It's okay to take a break and enjoy the other parts of your life.

Sarah said...

That's the thing: I don't even care that these guys are moving on. I'm not frustrated at the guys, I'm just not into the process at all.

Curvy Jones said...

I've removed my profiles and hid my one at the free site. I'm READY for the real thing... just not meeting anyone who's ready for the real thing with me.

My thing always was that I tried to get them offline as quickly as possible. I don't want to email for a month. Either there s spark or there isn't.

When I meet a new friend, I don't instantly blurt out every little thing about myself. I don't think it should be the same when I meet a new potential mate, because he has to be my friend FIRST before anything. I refuse to be interviewed for the position of your love slave. If you aren't genuinely interested in getting to know me, you're a waste of my time. I don't want to know your life history over email. I want to chat here and there for a few minutes and meet for a drink (in a public place while I have my right hand on the butt of my glock in my purse) to see if we have chemistry. If we don't, we don't. If we do, we start talking and learning about each other.

It does take work and dedication and time. And patience. I don't have much of the latter, right now.

SuvvyGirl said...

I'm not a huge fan of the online dating thing. Although I've met at least one nice guy. I've met quite a few of the guys in person. For some reason all of them around here want to meet right away. I usually agree to it after at least a couple of emails to help determine their creepy factor. But the one thing I have found is all of these idiots are so superficial. They are so set on the idea of finding exactly what they are asking for they won't leave any room for anything else. Maybe I might have to post on this too LOL But I'm with you, it would be nice if things could just happen organically/naturally.

J said...

Sarah, there you go again reading my mind. I had a post brewing about this exact same topic. I will be posting it soon...(hopefully)

When I have done the online dating thing I am a firm believer in emailing for no more than a week. The sooner you meet the better.

Anonymous said...

i'm not into online dating either. tried twice with the time laps of a year. not much changed. i prefer to meet people face-to-face to see if there's any chemistry. if there isn't then fine, not much time wasted. if there is then there will be a second date.

i think you're not frustrated at the guys yet (as so many girls are) because you have decided that the whole process isn't for you.

and ladies, before there was internet people met other people on the street, at events, through friends, in stores, during their free time...go try that!

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Well, it's cliche (and idiotic) to say that you should stop looking and it will happen when you least expect it.

It also doesn't make a lot of sense to take dating (or life) advice from people who are not doing well at it, unless it's to view them as a cautionary tale. If someone says that it doesn't work for them, therefore you shouldn't try it, I wouldn't listen to them unless they suggest something else that did work for them, because if nothing works for them, then the problem is with them, not the method.

At any rate, if you're not enjoying the online dating process, then maybe you should take a break from it instead of investing more time, money and energy into it. Maybe if you tried doing some activities you like (or would like to try but haven't yet, like a 5k) things would improve because 1) if you are doing something you enjoy, you will give off a good vibe, which is way more attractive than doing something you don't like (emailing strangers asking intimate questions). 2) Working on yourself and becoming a more interesting, adventurous person will make you the type of person that a better class of boyfriend will be attracted to. 3) if you don't meet someone taking that new art class or hiking or kickboxing, then you still got to have fun doing some stuff that you enjoy. If you don't get a guy from online dating, all you have is a bunch of emails from some jerks. So do you want a bunch of great life experiences or some emails and coffee dates?

Plus, do you think that guy you really want is in a bar or on the computer checking profiles on a saturday night? Or do you think the kind of guy you want is enjoying his life and finding adventurous things to do to make his life more enriching?

Bathwater said...

Yeh, I agree I hate the on line dating thing too. The constant e mailing people you are only marginally interested in because they are the only new faces you see that have not rejected you already, then there is what to ask and who really gives a fuck anyway.

I had a rather large woman wink at me today. One of her profile pictures was the food that she cooks, "sorry the way to this mans heart is not through his stomach or by having one."

Hope said...

"I'd much rather be out there and living than chained to my e-mail account on some free dating website."

I think this is probably the most revealing sentence of your entire post. I feel like you're saying, 'I'm happy. On my own.'

And that is...well...awesome.

Anonymous said...

well i know people who have had success with online dating [plenty of fish] and they are married. I'm met my live - in man on POF too [the jury is still out if that is a "success", although working right now].

I agree with you, don't chain yourself to email. 1kwatt was the only guy who actually was interesting when emailing back and forth [he actually read my profile and asked me specific questions about it] we were like penpals, because I was on vacation in Egypt/London when we started chatting.

You just never know. Don't respond to someone unless you get that perk, that vibe from what they initially write.

dating in general is hard. Online is just another place to meet people. Keep your mind open for anything.

In the meantime. Go white water rafting and flirt with the river guide.

D said...

I have yet to try online dating and I think I'm more curious about it then anything else. I should have a 'why not' attitude but I'm hesitant that I'll find anyone genuine. And though I'm sure things will seem fine on the surface I know I'll just be waiting to find out what's that one thing that makes me not want to date this person. Is it cynicism or realism?

Devvers said...

I've just completed reading your blog from back in the day when you split up with Adam. What an adventure girl and how far you've come (I don't mean that to be as patronising as it sounds).

I'm not enamoured with the online dating world but I think it's just another avenue - one that plenty of people seem to be using - where you may meet someone. But the rules are very different and it takes some getting used to. Like everything in today's world it seems to be built around instant gratification.

Sometimes I wish the world and everyone in it would slow the hell down.

I'm so glad I found your blog :)

cornflakegirl74 said...

I had to respond to this as well. I feel lately that the few single gfs I do have are always telling me to I should put myself out there and try the online dating thing (which is how I met my ex, so I have done it before)... but I'm reluctant. One, that was seven years ago, and two, why can't things just develop organically? I enjoy going to concerts, drinks with my gfs, bikram yoga... can't I possibly meet someone in a comfortable setting, where I don't feel this obscene amount of pressure?

I'm totally with you on this one. When we surround ourselves doing the things we love, we are not only happier, but we give off a confident, self-assured kind of energy. It's attractive to the opposite sex, but most importantly, you'll begin to feel good about yourself and where you are in life again.


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