I was excited about this date. He was the writer of the previous post and we communicated well on eHarmony. Reading his e-mails was like sipping rum and feeling the warmth travel down to my belly. I liked him.
He was an A date for me. The ones I've met so far were C dates: I wore whatever I had on for work that day, didn't shower before the date, didn't put any additional effort. Just showed up and been myself. For this one I surveyed my friends on what outfit to wear. I obsessed over every misplaced hair on my head and made sure everything was perfect. Driving to meet him, I had to turn down the air conditioning to a cool 62 degrees so I wouldn't sweat out of anxiety. I spoke kindly to myself beforehand and told myself that all I had to do was be me.
I never considered that the problem could be him.
When I arrived at the restaurant, he walked about 6 or 7 feet in front of me to the table. I justified that maybe he was nervous. Then at the table, the conversation never left him. He didn't take one moment to ask me anything about myself. It was all about him and his passions and his tastes.
And you know what he was? An elitist. He only drank obscure,imported beer. He listened to The Decemberists. (Fine, I am a Decemberist fan as well, but I don't advertise it because its followers have a huge stigma of being assholes. Point proven.) I bet if you opened a bottle of port, he'd swirl it around in his glass and tell you why Citizen Kane is the greatest film of all time. He was that guy. And it was so cliche.
His interests were so singular. When he said he only drank obscure, imported beer (my words), I asked him "But what about watching football with your friends at a sports bar? They don't serve the good stuff. And what about beer pong and flip cup? You are missing out on so much fun!" When he said he doesn't listen to the radio, I thought back to lying on the speed boat with my friends a few weeks ago and singing Ke$ha as it aired and how it was one of my favorite moments of the summer. My interests are more community and socially oriented. His were isolating. There was simply no room for anyone else or anyone else's interests in his life. And that makes me sad for him.
I'm sad for me too. I was excited about meeting him and I'm left feeling so disappointed. There was no way to tell beforehand that he was good on paper but bad at life. The only thing I can take away from meeting him is at least I'm recognizing the losers a whole lot sooner.
2:10 PM
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17 comments:
Yeah, just... no. I'm so glad you are recognizing the losers sooner! There's no way that guy has what it takes to fit into your laid-back, make-the-most-out-of-every-moment-no-matter-where-you-are-or-what-you-are-doing kind of group.
The right one for you is out there. But sometimes, we have to kiss a lot of frogs before getting our prince. And, I think, part of that analogy should be, "you don't have to kiss the ones that are CLEARLY frogs and will never change into anything else."
Anyway. Hang in there, friend! =)
I've been there many times over the last few months and I know how much it sucks. It's always so frustrating when people's personalities don't match their writing. But loser spotting is something I think all of us need to learn. I hope the next one goes better.
I love the last line. And it's so true - we've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
I'm so glad you are out there and dating - and I love reading about it... and definitely feel for you on the disappointment.
I wish it wasn't so hard. Hopefully he'll come around soon. xx.
"Good on paper. Bad at life" I must re-purpose that phrase as it is brilliant. Sorry it didn't work out, but at least you are out there making efforts!
That sucks. But at least you see it now and not 10 dates in.
And yet another guy that probably has no clue why he's single. Oy.
Speaking of Port, maybe you should look at these dates like a wine tasting. If you drank a glass of each wine, you wouldn't get very far and would probably give up before you found the right one. But taking that sip and spitting out the rest, which sounds really unnatural, is how you find out what makes one different from all the others and how you'll figure out which bottle you want to buy a case of later. Well, at least that's how I assume wine tastings work, I've never been to one. So if that's not how they work, then forget what I just said.
Anyway, the date went better than you think because 1) you came in and left with all your fingers and toes (i.e. he's not a serial killer hoping to make some weird jewelry from your parts) and 2) even though you were nervous, you were still yourself and you were "present" enough to read enough into it that you know why the date didn't go well. On your next date(s) you will be less nervous and eventually things will fall into place.
By the way, have you thought about what it is about the elitist thing that turns you off? Maybe because social relationships are so important to you, and social relationships are not not heirarchical, elitism is a turn off because it's a way that someone tries to establish themselves as superior to others and force them to play in some kind of pecking order game. You were trying to connect and be on the same level and he was trying to prove he's at a higher level. The not asking you questions thing is a big clue too. He wasn't trying to find out about you, he was trying to finish his monologue.
You're writing is great, by the way. Very engaging!
Thanks, HIN. I thought about the elitism a little bit, and I have to agree with you on the whys. I wonder how much of elitism stems from truly believing your way is the only way and how much stems from massive insecurities. In his case, I think it was the latter.
I am very impressed at the way you have been keeping up on this. I know I could never do it.
off topic, but i love love love the decemberists' song 16 military wives. if you haven't heard that one, check it out. so good. of course, i am biased. lol =) that's pretty much the only one that i know though. lol.
but i'm happy that you are recognizing the losers sooner. and this guy definitely was one. i think i'd be pretty bored watching him obsess over himself. =/ yawn!
you'll find that jewel somewhere among all these rocks. just be patient. =) all in all though i am happy to hear about how things are going with you. =)
...and don't discount the positive feelings you had leading up to the date.
The event was disappointment, but the moments of excitement, hope, and happiness that preceded it were wonderful nonetheless.
aww man what a bummer. sometimes chemistry online doesn't really translate to face to face chemistry. well at least you found out sooner rather than later when you've already built up even higher expectations.
Having played flip-cup for the first time over the weekend I think I can safely say he's missing out. What a strange chap. Ah well. At least that's another one you don't have to worry about :)
Onwards and upwards.
"Good on paper. Bad in life"
Yup, there seem to be a lot of those floating around lately.
bummer. why was he so funny on paper but in real life just a loser? i don't get it.
move on, stay positive.
that stupid prince on his stupid hack is just too darn proud to ask for directions!
Re: your last sentence -- SCORE!
It's great that you were anxious & excited about the date. You have the fun good energy, and that is important :)
-dont
Gah! I'm so disappointed for you, too :( Ugh. But the first bad sign was him walking so far ahead of you as you were seated in the restaurant. Call me old-fashioned, but it's a first date. Leave a nice impression.
Onwards and upwards, as they say. Hopefully you don't have to kiss too many frogs, but I'm glad that you are able to recognize things you like/don't like much more quickly now. It'll be a life-saver in the dating world!
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