~Saturday, January 22, 2011

Aftermath

I hit "Publish" on the last post and immediately threw up.

Only I was sitting at my desk at work. I was already the girl that got dumped; I did not want to be the girl that got dumped and threw up into her recycle bin.

I got up and started racing for the front door: tall, heavy mahogany doors that require effort to open even when your hands aren't clasped to your mouth. I made it into the hallway, but the bathroom was too far away and involved yet another door.

I threw up in the hallway. And then I had to tell my office manager that I threw up in the hallway so he could call building maintenance to clean my throw up in the hallway. Ugh.

I've never had that reaction to a breakup before. I'm normally a crier. Scratch that. Normally I'm a wailer. Big, shuddering sobs that have me gasping for breath and on the verge of passing out. For Valdosta, I cried lightly on the phone to a few select people for about an hour. Then I took an ibuprofen to ward off the crying headache, put a cold pack over my eyes to help with the eyelid swelling and went to bed without the aid of alcohol or sleep meds. I slept soundly through most of the night, bar one episode of waking up completely drenched in my own sweat. The next morning I put another cold pack on my eyes for an hour before I went to work. That was that. I did good.

On last season's finale of Grey's Anatomy, there was a scene where Miranda's tending to a shot Dr. Percy and she looks around and above her. "Where is that water coming from?" she asks, confused.

"Doctor Bailey, you're crying," answered Mandy Moore.

I remember thinking that was the most preposterous idea, that someone could cry and not know it. Only I was laying in bed with the ice pack over my eyes, listening to Good Morning America on TV when water slid down my face.

"What the—" I said as I removed the ice pack and checked for leaks. Nope. Turned out to just be my face. The medical term is called ocular hyperosmilarity: too much fluid in the eyes.

I had prided myself on not crying too much, on immediately telling my friends I was going to be okay and I was only sad in that moment, but then I got sick when I had to confront what had happened. And now all of my coworkers are asking why it's wet in the hallway and I'm slumped at my desk thinking, You best be glad I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and that's only green tea in the hallway.

***

Of course because Valdosta was a gentle and kind person, he ended things gently and kindly. Knowing what I know, that he couldn't give me any more than what he already had, it was the right decision. I'm glad I know now and not later on down the line, and I'm thrilled that I meant enough to get an in-person dumping. I've never gotten that kind of closure before.

All of a sudden I felt like I was in a teachable moment. I wanted to prevent one more girl from getting dumped via text or fade away. Before I went to bed the night I got dumped, I sent Valdosta one final text:

Thanks for being honest with me and telling me in person. I have nothing but respect for you.

You're a great girl, Sarah. I'm really glad I met you.

Before I could think any further: delete, delete, delete. I cleaned out my entire text messaging inbox and outbox. I deleted his name out of my address book. I went through my call log and deleted every instance of his missed calls or received calls. Oddly enough, there were no instances that I called him. I logged on my e-mail account and deleted the folder that contained his e-mails. I hovered over the folder that contained our pictures, but had too much heart to delete those just yet.

Dammit.

18 comments:

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

I would suggest allowing yourself to be sad now, or cry it out now if you feel like it. Don't pretend your okay for a brave front, besides I don't think anyone expects you to be all happy and chipper right now.

And you can put a timeline to it. I always read in magazines to set a deadline, which I think is preposterous, but I'm not expert.

Thisisme said...

Let it out.
Give time, time.
You'll heal.

La Femme said...

I think a lot of people (especially, but not limited to, anon comments) forget what a huge risk dating even feels like. It's easy to log on and comment that someone drinks too much, or that they did just one thing wrong to ruin an entire relationship, but it's just not true. If Sex and the City consisted of them *just* having breakfast together and talking, no one would watch it.

It's important to see that above all else, you were really brave. Brave to take a chance, even brave to go to the office and admit you'd thrown up in the hallway. I know you, I know you'll keep trying...bravely. You deserve respect for being so brave.

Meghan said...

Sadness isn't anything to be ashamed of or disappointed in yourself for. He is and was a great guy -- and it's more than alright to be sad about that loss. He just wasn't YOUR guy. He's still out there.

Be sad in the moment. Be sad for as long as you need to be sad. But find comfort in knowing that you are strong and brilliant and amazing all by yourself and one day you'll find someone to be those things WITH you.

Dream in Grey said...

I know you feel like total shit right now but you are actually my dating hero. All the stuff you have gone through, to be brave enough to put yourself out there not knowing what might happen is bloody amazing and when i ever make my trip across the pond you are one girl i REALLY want to hug.

love always

Dawn said...

I can't say anything more (or better) than the ladies who commented before me.

xo

D said...

I second the dating hero comment! You've been such a great support and have had such an incredible challenging past and have made it through it all! You'll get through this even if you lose your lunch again- you'll get to the other side.

Anonymous said...

I just want to wrap my arms around you and hug you. I have had this pain, and it is absolutey miserable. Love you girl, even though I have never met you. Good thoughts are going out to you. Lurves, me.

P.S. Fuck him. Can't help myself. No matter how nice he was about this thing, fuck him. He messed with your head.

Enny said...

Urgh. That is worth so many f-bombs!!!

I'm still here and I'm still rooting for you - take the time now to let it all out and take the support from the people who are here to give it to you.

M said...

*huuuug*

Anonymous said...

The whole thing was a teachable moment. I so wanted you to get your happy ending with this guy, but I am very glad you had this experience, even if it didn't end the way you wanted.
While dating, he treated you like he should, and then when it came time to end things, he did it admirably. He could've just kept stringing you along, but he didn't.
Kudos to you for being so classy about it. I can't imagine how tough it is right now, because you got a good look at what it should be like, but YOU GOT A GOOD LOOK AT WHAT IT SHOULD BE LIKE. Now it'll just be easier for you to spot when you see it.
You've come such a long way, Sarah. Feel the hurt and let it out, but be proud of yourself for how far you and your relationships have come. Things will only keep getting better.

Peach said...

yeah I just feel sick reading about it too. was false footed totally and know the bloody misery you're feeling.

Sarah: (you must) just know that it wasn't anything you did or didn't do, and just know that you're fabulous and have grown and blossomed and flourished despite all the fucking shit you've been through and just know that you're very loved by lots of people and just know that this too will pass.... so hang the fuck in there.


I'm sorry for all the swearing.

Hey, random thought - wanna do a house swap for a week in the summer? you come to london with a mate for a week free of charge and then I'll come to you?

Just a random idea to distract you a bit

XxX

Aritza, Goddess .. said...

Shit, that really blows Sarah. I'm sorry to hear.. I wish breakups didn't exist. :(

Anonymous said...

As I said, you've come so far, and you've gained so much confidence, maturity and security with regards to your dating choices. Keep giving 100% in the other areas of your life, like you've been doing. That will help with your grief.

I agree with a previous poster, Valdosta was a great guy, just not your guy. In other words, you picked a good one, just not the right good one. Now you know much more about what you're looking for, and you can screen out the losers much quicker.

Grieve, cry, wail, sigh, delete, write - whatever you have to do to get past it. But when you do get past it, you'll be OK. You really, really will. :)

Cebene
GA

Jess said...

I'm sorry Sarah. It's good you learned what you did :).

Erin said...

I'm seriously impressed with your maturity and ability to delete all the temptation.

prettylittletangents said...

Oh Darling! BIG hugs to you. I too am one of your many commenters who is just so impressed with how you are handling this. Please let me know if you need a wine night - my treat! Take care.

Anonymous said...

I think it's okay to have memories (photos)...

Big hug girlie!

xo

-dont

 

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