~Friday, January 21, 2011

I got dumped!

I was standing at the sink hand washing my red wine glasses when Valdosta called.

"Hey, where are you?" I asked.

"I'm at the restaurant."

Odd. The restaurant is on the first floor of my apartment building. I just assumed he would come up to my door.

I put on my coat and headed downstairs. As I walked out of my apartment building and into the restaurant, I saw that his car was parked not in the parking garage for the apartment building, but in the restaurant parking out front.

I saw Valdosta seated at a table. He had already purchased two beers for us. I sat down. We clinked bottles and talked about our weeks. He went on again about what a rough week he's had with his mother getting remarried.

"You look visibly stressed," I said. And he did. He was squinting and blinking hard. If I didn't know him better, I'd think he had a facial tic.

"I got really drunk with the guys last night. I'm running on a lack of sleep," he said.

Guys. I wonder about that word. He lives with his roommate, whom I know well. He should just say his roommate's name. His other guy friends are either not city dwellers or are coupled up. He doesn't see them often. It's the third time I've heard him use the word "guys."

We moved on to my week, and we ordered food.

"So do you want to watch a movie after this?" I asked, making conversation.

Valdosta put down his slice of pizza and picked up his beer. He took a long drink. That is the exact moment I knew.

"Well that depends," he said.

"Depends?" I asked strangely.

"We didn't talk for a few days," he began. I nodded. I remember. He sent me a text message Friday night saying that he didn't want to get out of bed that morning because I was in it. I assumed I would hear from him on Tuesday when he got back in town, but I didn't.

"I spent those days thinking about you, and thinking about me, and thinking about us. I couldn't get that conversation from Athens out of my mind.

"I did a lot of thinking, because I don't want to make a mistake and let a great girl like you go, but your feelings for me are deeper than mine are for you. Things are not going to progress further than where they are now. I wanted them to, but we've been dating 2 months and it would have happened by now."

He said a lot of other things. A lot of filler words. He was nervous. He was genuinely upset. "What do you think?" he asked.

I shrugged. What do you say to that? "It sounds like you already made up your mind."

He looked down and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess I did."

"Shit. Really?"

"Yeah."

I kept my poise. I never cried. I smiled the whole time actually. When he looked down in his lap and said he wasn't doing a very good job at this, I ended up consoling him and telling him he was doing a fine job.

"You've always been honest with me, even at times when it would have been easier not to. I really appreciate that," I said.

"You're such a great girl." He repeated that statement about 20 times last night. "I'm glad I met you. You're just such a great girl and you have really awesome friends.We've had some great times together. I'd like to continue to know you. Argh, you said you were having a really great week this week; I'm sorry I ruined that for you."

And this is the exact moment where I knew I'd be okay: I thought to myself, Don't think so much of yourself that you have the ability to single-handedly ruin my week in one fell swoop. The good things that happened still happened.

"I'm sorry," he continued. "I've done some really horrible things in my past and I've gotten into relationships because it was the easy thing to do. I don't want to do that to you. You're a really great girl and you don't deserve that. There's someone out there for you."

I cut him off. "I'm a big girl. You don't have to feed me full of bullshit," I said. I mean seriously, don't sit there and talk down to me, telling me Mr. Right is out there and waiting.

"I'm sorry, it's just you're sitting here and looking at me and not saying anything. I'm not doing a very good job at this," he repeated. "I still want to know you."

He never used the words "breakup" or "stop dating" or "friends." I'm especially grateful for the last one.

Neither of us touched our dinners. We boxed them up, separately, and walked outside.

"You want to split of bottle of wine and get drunk?" I asked. I had accepted it. It just happened too fast and now it's over.

We took a few steps towards my apartment, but then he stopped. "I better not. We should just let things marinate. I'd love to get drunk with you another time."

I put my hands in my pockets. He approached me for a hug. He squeezed tightly and held on. I don't know why he would squeeze someone he just dumped so hard. I found myself uncomfortable and patting his shoulder.

I turned around, headed back towards my apartment, and never looked back.

48 comments:

Dawn said...

Aw, FUCK! That's all I think: Aw, FUCK!

And I'm sorry that it didn't work out. He had (has) baggage that you shouldn't have to carry.

But still... aw, FUCK!

And you ARE a great girl.

Aw, FUCK!

AmericanBridget (Jones) said...

Damn, i never saw that one coming. I blame it on his mother.

MissM said...

well awesome. We can just go through life knowing each other.

*flips the bird*

J said...

I saw the title and dropped an f-bomb loud enough for my co-workers to hear and question me.

The one thing that I can saw about him is that he had the balls to tell you exactly where you stood. He didn't lead you on.

Just remember that you are an amazing and beautiful woman.

Anonymous said...

I am so, so sorry.

Michelle said...

I think he's just afraid.

Dream in Grey said...

BALLS!

Kate said...

I just came across your blog a few weeks ago and have been following since. I had hoped Valdosta would be better than this... but agree with the first commenter, that you probably don't need his baggage.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

1) He respected you enough to tell you the truth. That's a huge positive. He definitely had more character than other guys you've dated before. (You picked a good one, even if it didn't work out.)

2) He's wrong about "it's been 2 months, and it should've happened already." More like, it's been 2 months, HE should've LET it happen already.

He has the issues. Not you. You WILL find someone who is secure enough to let himself fall for you.

Take what you can from the relationship. Leave the rest for the crows.

Cebene
GA

Hope said...

What the fuck? I'm so sorry, I was hoping this would work out differently. Crap. Crap Crappity crap. And yes, in agreement with Dawn, you're fucking awesome.

daringtobe said...

So sorry to hear it. :(

Me said...

You know what.

Good.

:)

He gave you a few fair warnings. You heard them. You acted wisely, started to go out with some other guys again and you did the right thing.

"I would love to know you further"...high likelihood he is hoping you two end up hooking up again.

Hold your head up high like you have and don't let that happen.

There will be someone marvelous and remember...this was worth a lot. You realize that you can get excited about someone again. After the ways you have been hurt, that matters a ton! :)

Me said...

PS: I don't think he got scared.

If he did, he will come back or he might not.

I think it is how he said. And it looks like you took it just as such.

;)

Tracy said...

No. Nonononono. That is so wrong. I never saw this coming. Damn.

Denise said...

That bites. I'm sorry, he seemed like a keeper, at least for a while.... Thinking back to your post a week or so ago about telling the other guy that you wanted to end it - this is how it should be. I never thought V would be the one ending it though, but at least I give him credit for not just turning into an ass. And now you know what a non-abusive relationship should be like. Keep finding more of those :)

Emma said...

Boo!

That said, I think he did his best to end it well and it sounds like you took it well, which I'm proud of you for. Yay for not being the girl in the restaurant who gets dumped and cries for all to see and it's super embarrassing.

At least you know you held onto your poise.

It totally sucks but at least it happened now rather than 6 months down the road when you're truly head over heels.

*internet hug*

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

Its nice that he told you in person and didn't do the fade away. But I wouldn't be his friend, why? So he doesn't feel guilty about breaking things off? Not your problem. Maybe acquaintances a few months down the line.

Now don't go listening to Mumford and Sons on repeat... Just sayin

however happy said...

I HATE it when guys say things like "sorry I ruined your day" when they decline or cancel plans, etc. They think SO much of themselves! Were our general state of happiness at any point in the day purely hinged on how a guy treats us, we'd all be mostly miserable.

You know you are amazing, whether he wants to have a relationship or not. It sounds like you handled your emotions beautifully, and there will be another - better - one. The right guy will make a relationship happen instead of alleging it's a waiting game to see if it "just happens" or not.

bonda84 said...

What is wrong with men lately?! I honestly think it did happen for him and scared the sh*@t out of him and he ran. But at least you guys had some good times. Keep moving forward!

Peach said...

blimey, I didn't see that coming... I just thought he was happy where he was with you and didn't want to rush anything... what are you meaning when you say about the word 'guys' - are you thinking he means someone else or that he's been out with so many guys recently that he's not into a relationship anymore and wants to fly solo for a while? I'm confused.


And very sorry to read this post; but you handled it like a lady, well done xxx

Sarah said...

Thank you for everyone's kind words. I'm still sad today and they are helping.

Danielle, the Mumford & Sons CD has already been removed from the house and car. Otherwise there might be a Girl, Interrupted moment.

Peach, I think "Guys" was code for "another date."

Jessie said...

I have been lurking on your blog for a while now and I am delurking to say SUCKY SUCK SUCK! But, like everyone else is saying you are awesome and fantastic and it is entirely his loss.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry.

A few years ago, I had a similar situation. He would tell me it couldn't work, I said ok, and proceeded to ignore him. Then, he would want me back, I liked him so much, that I would take him back. Then he would dump me, and so on and so on for two years. I was a freaking wreck.

So, I am a little skeptical about him wanting to still know you. Could be from my past experience. Take care, and do something nice for yourself. You deserve it. Hugs

Anonymous said...

I've never commented before, but I've been reading your posts for a while now. I do think that he did it the "right way" if there even is one. So many guys are complete assholes when it comes to breaking up, where it seems like he genuinely cared about your feelings and well being. If "it" is not there, it's just not there -- and that's no one's fault :(

Gretta James said...

Seriously is there a manual on how to dump someone. Everything was so staged. Fuck men are simply dumb.

Gretta x

Pam said...

Wow.... I am so sorry..... he so reminds me of someone, both in how he treated you while you were dating and how he ended it. I have to give him credit for having enough respect to do it face to face, it's not easy. I am sorry for how you are feeling now.... you handled yourself beautifully!

clifford said...

give the man credit: he did it in person and at your place. Breaking up with good folks sucks ass for all involved.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Sarah. In the words of Dido the singer:

"If you won't let me fall for you, then you won't see the best that I love to do for you, instead you will be missing me when I go, cuz I'm bored of hanging out in your cold"

My hunch is that he CHOSE not to let himself fall for you. But why? We all know you're marvellous, why couldn't he see that? Don't be offended, but I think it's because he saw you as a "good for now girl", and not as a "wife material" or more importantly "mother material". Men don't often voice this, not even to themselves, but they want to marry a woman they can see being a great mother. Yes, even if he does not want to have children until 10 years time.

From your blog, you come across as a "party GIRL", not a woman or a "lady", as you drink copious amounts of alcohol and "puke and rally" in the middle of the street. Very high-school like fun, but seriously, an adult man like Valdosta has probably been there and done that, and unlike Scott, he's graduated from that kind of lifestyle.

But V liked that fun, carefree side of you. He just couldn't see himself with you longterm. He enjoyed the partying and booze-fueled frolics. But what he'll probably remember you by is your ability to get drunk and relish it. I mean, think of your parting words to him: "Fancy getting drunk with me?"

That right there would have reassured him that he's made the right decision. I mean, would a man want the mother of his children to get plastered so frequently? A 'good for now' girl fosters low expectations from the guy, which is probably why he was shocked that you expected him to commit. He saw you as his 'go to' party girl/drinking buddy/warm body to cuddle at night or when lonely. He liked you. He really, really liked you. But you were just not the type of 'lady' he's looking for. He sure as heck sounds like a real gentleman in comparison to how Scot treated you. I doubt he ever lied to you (except tiny white lies perhaps).

Your friends might also have not helped. He looks at them and probably thinks "these people are stuck in high school", plus the stories they tell about you (dating. or relationship disasters), plus how Kickball guy did not want you to drink from his glass or bottle, suggesting you do that with many guys (read: easy, in a sort of way). Plus it did not help that when you were drunk you blurted out to him that you've dated A LOT, even more than what you think should be your share. No man wants to feel like the mug who paid for the village bicycle (read: married the village bicycle). Yes, it's not fair that when men sleep with or date many women they are called 'studs' but when women do it they are called 'sluts'.

What you need is a guy like Harvey's husband, who loves the idea of being married to a party animal 'life & soul of every party', beer guzzling kind of mannish-girl (mannish in mannerisms like the love of college football and beers! Ladies tend to prefer wine, men/boys do beer). Heck, even Kickball guy said you 'date like a man'. Kickball guy was another man who liked you romantically but also backed off after you got shit-faced drunk on your first proper outing with him. In a way, it's not hard to see why Scot was (and remains) so drawn to you. You do like getting drunk quite a bit, don't you?

It might be fun once in a blue moon, but at almost every date? Nah, not for a gentleman's idea of 'wife material', even if this gentleman also likes to get rat-arsed drunk himself. I know, it's not fair, it's double-standards but such is life! In the old days it used to be men wanting to marry only 'virgins' when the men themselves were sleeping around!

Anonymous said...

Part 2:
(Continuation of my mega-long comment)

As for him saying that he would still like to know you, I think he's referring to MORE than having sex with you but, you know, like kickball guy...being giving a chance to hang out with your awesome friends so he can have a great social life, attend wild parties, get drunk with experienced drinkers, watch football, play flipcup etc. Who wouldn't??? Or maybe in addition to that, he wants a chance to be able to try it on with Katie. It did sound like he liked her, after what he said about not believing that she was single.

As for his saying that he was "Hanging out with the guys" and you suspecting it meant he was having a date, perhaps that might be why he ended it so abruptly? In the few days that you did not speak to him, he might have had a great date with a girl he's been dating for sometime and realised that she's the one he wants to commit to.

For me though, the most likely scenario is that your reaction of going to the bathroom and crying to your friends (after your DTR chat) made him feel guilty and fearful that if he continues to date you, then you will like him more and more and then be absolutely devastated when he ends it. You CRIED when he could not commit, so that's why he had the audacity to assume he'd ruined your day by ending it. He was expecting a bigger meltdown than the one he SUSPECTED you had in the toilet with all your girly friends there to comfort you. Even if you'd wiped all your tears away when you re-joined him at the bar, he would have still been able to tell: red puffy eyes and face are a big giveaway.

Sarah, I think you're a great girl. I just worry that you're looking for a gentleman who prefers a woman who can hang out without getting drunk. If that's not you, then you would benefit from adjusting your search criteria.

By the way, I've read your blog for years. I even contributed towards getting help for Scott after his motorbike accident. I think you have matured a heck of a lot. You now demand respect from men. As therapy worked so well for you, I think you are the poster girl of what GOOD therapy can accomplish. You survived Scot even though your spirit was broken. That means you'll get over Valdosta too cuz now your spirit is back in full form. You rock!

breezyallatsea said...

Ugh!! I have nothing to add, but I'm so sorry. I didn't see it coming either. And I totally admire the way you handled it.
Take it one day at a time. Tomorrow will be a fraction easier. x

Anonymous said...

Dear Long anonymous commenter... yes, you with the long idiotic post full of some major passive aggressive put downs... GET A LIFE, MAN!!

Bah, men and their SPS!! (small penis syndrome)

La Femme said...

Dear Mega-Long Commenter,

Wow. Don't EVER visit Vegas. Your opinions make you seem like you are 89 years old. Maybe you should make like Regis and retire.

Anonymous said...

I'm not really sure why everyone is jumping on Anon. I've been a long time lurker, and I agree. It's no wonder these guys don't last long, you're method of trying to keep them around is drinking a heck of a lot (and at almost every first date - not that mature) and being the "fun" girl. No man sees the crazy partyer as the marrying type, or long term girlfriend type.

It also seems that you jump from one guy to the next. I'm all for dating - but maybe you should stick to therapy for a while, and be single. Spend some time alone.


I'm sorry - but I agree with Anon, and I believe they were only trying to be helpful and provide a third party perspective to situations we often times can't objectively see ourselves.

You sound like a great girl - the drinking is just a huge issue.

Anonymous said...

My motto is take me as I am, or fuck off. I am with someone. S, I think you are fine. Live your life, and live by this creed. V may be a nice guy, he was honest in his break up, but, he WILL play mind games with you. Do not be engaged in these. Just saying....

Elle said...

Well, that certainly sucks but I agree with all those who said you handled it quite well. Take a little time to heal your wounds a bit and then get back out there being your rad self (I must be getting really old, I just said rad and I'm not going to delete it).

Simmarah said...

Dammit Valdosta!!
Well, he was honest, so that's alright.
I hope you're doing well though, get drunk and do some girl time :)

Anonymous said...

To the anon blog poster, with the long, very, very, very, very, long post...You are mean,judgemental, and a huge jerk. Must be nice to be perfect.

D said...

That sucks! Really sucks! It seemed he had this wall up and never knew how to get it down no matter how much he liked you.
I'm glad you aren't letting it ruin your week. Tomorrow will be better! Feel free to email me!

Anonymous said...

S,

A couple of asses posted on your blog. Know, that we know, they are asses. That is all they will ever be. I could get more shitty, but I won't. Hugs.

Meghan said...

I don't think he knows what he wants or how to get to a point where he can decide what he wants.

I am so sorry.

treacle said...

Oh crap. Was not expecting to see that. Am so sorry Sarah & hope that the sadness fades in time.

Xxx

Amanda @ Wild Oats said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile now and have been following this relationship with good thoughts for you since the beginning. I know how exciting it is to meet someone that you like so much and gel with so well, so I really am sorry this did not work out. I don't think that it's necessary to blame nights of drinking for the downfall of this relationship. I think it's fair and true enough to say that you both wanted different things from each other. And to have a solid relationship, you've got to be on the same page. You'll find someone who will be on your page. I'm sure of it. =)

Me said...

People always forget:

This is a SNAPSHOT of someone's life.

Before I made my blog private and now have like maybe 50 readers I had a few thousand a week. Not a lot, but enough for people to recognize me at parties in my hometown (uhm, yeah).

And you would have probably summed up the following from reading my blog:

Sex addict, constantly dating, bitch, dog lover, fun fun fun.

I know and KNEW EXACTLY what I put out on my blog. Just like Sarah, I control the information I put out...so while I always understood that people say stuff like "Dude, when you were single you had the most amazing sex life, didn't you?" .....oh please.

They don't know me. The just know what I allow them to see.

it's a blog. it's story telling :)

You go, Sarah. We emailed about this before, most people reading this get it. :) there is a lot more to you than what you write here.

Meg said...

Like a lot of others, I've been lurking here for a quite a while but never actually commented before. I just have to tell you how impressed I am with the way you handled this situation! It would have been so easy to get angry or overanalyze his reasoning, but you were strong enough to accept his choice and refuse to let it reflect on you. I'm so sorry he turned out not to be what you were hoping -- I was really hopeful that he would realize how awesome you are and have the sense to treat you well!

Thank you for all of the honest writing, your blog is one of my very favorites and I always look forward to your posts!

Bathwater said...

Damn I liked the way this relationship started out so natural. I am sorry Sarah. You are certainly getting closer to the type of guy you deserve though.

Anonymous said...

Fuck OFF, Queen Victoria. If there is ever an appropriate time to lecture Sarah about your moral superiority, this is NOT it.

Anonymous said...

I like this line - right on girl:

And this is the exact moment where I knew I'd be okay: I thought to myself, Don't think so much of yourself that you have the ability to single-handedly ruin my week in one fell swoop. The good things that happened still happened.

-dont

Emma said...

Sarah - I just reread this as you mentioned tag count for him vs. Abraham and wow. I never realized it but my breakup in April pretty much mirrored this.

He basically said he didn't feel as deeply as me and sometimes he knew why he was in the relationship but other times he didn't. My reply was that I couldn't do anything to change his mind and it sounded like he already knew the answer.

He was trying so hard to be honest and he was more upset than I was, I think because he was upset he was hurting me. And how he did want to be friends. And then he left.

Sigh.

 

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