~Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Date #9

Date #9 was the date I went on before I got dumped. He asked to meet me for coffee at the Starbucks by my apartment.

I breezed through the doorway. I had walked there and I was a few minutes late.

"Hey," waved a man in the corner.

I had blown right by him. Normally I'm a champ at matching someone's picture to the actual person, but this time I failed miserably. I looked at him, puzzled. Clearly he wasn't here to meet me.

"I know, I shaved," he said.

Noooo, that wasn't it. The reason I didn't recognize him wasn't because Date #9 had shaved off his beard. It was because he was about five inches shorter than he said he was in his profile and his hairline was about three inches further back. And I'm being kind in overlooking the fact he had to be at least 30 pounds heavier. I was victim of the old bait and switch.

He paid for my small coffee "because that's how [he] roll[s]," and we walked upstairs to the seating area. I resumed the date, trying to ignore the fact he misrepresented himself and reminded me of the Gingerbread Man. I have a step-brother who is smaller than me with a hairline that's about three inches back, and he's a kind and generous person. I wanted to give this guy a shot. He has a nice smile, even though his teeth are really tiny, and he has an expressive face.

But the conversation kept circling on how down he is on society. He went to a private high school and told me how much better and more well-rounded he was than his classmates. He was also offended I had grown up in the area and had never heard of his private high school, but of all of the surrounding ones. And why are we spending this much time talking about high school? You know who talks about high school? People who don't go to college.

We talked about work. He used to be in radio before he quit to start his post-baccalaureate pre-med program. Now he's part-timing at some foam manufacturer that makes sex toys. I try to hang in there, revealing that in college I worked at an inbound telemarketing company and I sometimes handled the customer-service calls for those herbal supplement sex aids offered in the back of a magazine.

Then, I can't figure out the transition, but he starts ripping on high-functioning autistic people, which segues into how he had a psychiatrist—not a therapist, but a psychiatrist—because he had a clinical onset of depression at a pre-pubescent age. And now we've full circled back to high school because when everyone else became angsty teenagers who listened to Korn and Nine Inch Nails, he felt like he couldn't conform and listen to the same music because his depression was so much more profound than theirs.

I uncrossed my legs and stood up. "Welp! Look at the time! I gotta go to Walmart and pick up my drugs before it closes."

"Drugs?" he said, LIKE I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEMS. "Ha, I don't even know how we got on that conversation."

True Story.


Anonymous said...

Okay the Good Luck Fairy needs to pay you a visit and beat the snot out of the Bad Luck Fairy that's been hovering around you.

Dawn said...

Oh, Sweet Jesus, that's a winner! And by winner, I mean wiener.

Simmarah said...

OH wow. What a douchebag! Online dating seems to be going downhill lately, I don't know what it is with people who don't match their profiles. N-E-X-T :)

Me said...


That will go into the book :)

Thisisme said...

I think I know that guy!! haha JK!

I literally just laughed out loud at my desk reading that though!!

AmericanBridget (Jones) said...

Goodness gracious. While I am sure you hung in there longer than needed on your coffee date, I can't imagine sitting through that.

When's the book coming out? Your antics are a sure best seller!

MissM said...

Okay... I mean... do these guys even realize why they're still single? That was.... HORRIBLE. Why would you talk about such things on a first date/meetup?

And I am of the mind that if I can't be physically attractive, I should at least be funny and/or interesting.

LOSER on all three counts.

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

I think its time to change your match settings for stricter standards. What's up with all these losers?

Listen, last year, I did that whole "Yeah, he's okaaaay looking, I might as well go on a date and see if he has a great personality" yeah blew up in my face and I wasted a ton of time.

Good stories, but honestly, I would have rather not wasted the makeup, that shit is expensive.

Dream in Grey said...

That's a cracking fella right there...honest

Meghan said...

Just wow.

Seems like that was just one of those days where nothing could go right.

I know this will sound crazy, but I almost relish those days. I'd rather have one day of 100% horrible than have 10 days of 90% good and 10% terrible.

You're now due ten 100% fantastic days in a row. (If only fate would realize that's how it should operate!)

Pamela said...

LOL.... you just can't make this stuff up. You really should document all these dates (which is what you are doing in your BLOG). I did the online dating back in the late 90's (mostly met in chat rooms) and some of the stories. One of my good friends was going through the whole dating scene as well,and we had so many laughs.
We would continually say we were going to write a book, now I wish I would have documented better, because I have forgotten too much of it.

This date just reminded me of quite a few dates I went on, the internet opened up a whole new world of weirdos, but I also met the love of my life there too.

Hang in there, and enjoy the process, who knows one day could be a best seller. I always wanted to entitle mine.. "You can't make this stuff up" or something like that.

PS I'm still so sorry about Valdosta, he showed such promise. But as another poster said, he has shown you how you deserve to be treated.... and the feelings that can be invoked when you truly meet a good man.

J said...

It is nice to know that someone else out there is having the same experiences as me. At least we can laugh about it.

Meghan said...

Just wow.

Seems like that was just one of those days where nothing could go right.

I know this will sound crazy, but I almost relish those days. I'd rather have one day of 100% horrible than have 10 days of 90% good and 10% terrible.

You're now due ten 100% fantastic days in a row. (If only fate would realize that's how it should operate!)

franzi said...

oh that sounds familiar. except that my date had a male purse (you know, one of those purses men wear around their wrists). yikes! how...attractive!

D said...

Wow, just wow! Of course I love that it happened at Starbucks ;)
You'll be out of the deep end before you know it! Just keep surrounding yourself with the good people in your life. It sounds like they know how to pull you up if you forget how.

Angela said...

It doesn't sound like a fun date, and I don't understand why he would go into all of that right away, but I also cringe when I read posts like this, because I didn't go to college, I dropped out of school (and finished at home), studied other things at home, and then started to get myself sorted. I was agoraphobic for years, and wonder about being looked at the same way by guys, even though I don't unload it there, when first meeting them. ;) (35 and counting here, although I'd probably have met someone by now if it weren't for other things. One guy claims to love me, but he sure has funny way of showing it.)

Best of luck with future dates. I wish Valdosta had worked out.

Sarah said...

Angela, I think the difference between you and #9 is that you have your life sorted out. I doubt he has fully dealt with whatever issues he has by bringing them all out on the first date. You know better than to go into all of that within 10 minutes of meeting someone.

Miss Devylish said...

Ok, clearly I'm behind cuz I thought there was a cool guy you were seeing BUT in light of my delay - I'll catch up AND tell you that I've been online dating off and on for years. YEARS. Sad but true. I've been on plenty that didn't work out and I knew in the first 3 seconds, but one stood out where he misrepresented and was clear when I met him that he used an old picture. His pants were way too tight, up to his navel, he wasn't even mildly attractive and the pic had to have been at least 5-10 yrs old where he was actually cute. He later had gone on 1 date w/ a former friend who told me and she'd gotten the same thing - he laughed that he knew we were friends and thought it was cool or something - possibly to have fooled us both? I dunno - but remember, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs... as the saying goes. It's the cross we have to bear. Here's to avoiding as many frogs as possible, lovely. You deserve better. xo

Anonymous said...

Yikes. He provided the fodder.


Claire Kiefer said...

Oh goodness gracious how delighted I am to have stumbled upon your blog, because this is FUNNY! I love reading tales of online dating and look forward to many more :)

Syd said...

I've been on some horrible dates, and it always begs the question: When did people lose their filter? Like..you have to know what is appropriate to talk about with strangers, and what is not. One of my more memorable bad dates (which started off well) came to a screeching halt when the guy mentioned how he hated Iranians (mind you, we weren't even talking about Iran, and also, an entire population of a country? really?) and then a few minutes later, how he had seen some of his best friends blow up in the bombings (he was a former Israeli soldier). Rough first date conversation!

cornflakegirl74 said...

Run away as fast as your little legs can carry you from this one!!!


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