~Thursday, January 06, 2011

Dream On

I have nightmares pretty frequently. They still circle around my years spent with S.

For instance, a couple of weeks ago I dreamt that I was living in low-income government housing because I was still with S and he had driven us to the poor house. He was dealing drugs out of the apartment and Rivers Cuomo (that's right, the singer from Weezer) broke in and stole all of my stuff. Every last item. Including my dog. He had sold my clothes to the thrift store, but I was scrambling to raise enough money to bribe Rivers to ransom my dog back to me.

Last night I was in Valdosta's bed having another nightmare. It was the first one I've had while he's been physically present. We were in the classic spoon position: his front against my back. I was using the arm he slipped under my neck as my pillow. Our forearms were indistinguishably tangled across my heart; I couldn't tell where he stopped and I began.

The dream I was having was unclear. S was in it. So was Valdosta peripherally. The problem I was having was that I was frightened. I had woken up to some degree. I opened my eyes and saw the mess of hands in front of me. I knew it was a dream. I was aware that Valdosta was sleeping softly behind me. But every time I closed my eyes, I could feel them roll into the back of my head and feel myself being sucked back into this dream where I was so frightened.

The cycle would repeat: open my eyes and adjust them to Valdosta's dark bedroom, close them and feel scared. However, the longer time elapsed, the more terrified I became, even if I was awake. My heart pounded incessantly to the point that it ached in my chest from beating so hard. I began thrashing and kicking. I told myself that Valdosta was behind me and everything was okay, but I couldn't shake the intense fear I felt.

Being awake but reacting from my dream was such a loss of control for me that the fear began to form the beginnings of an anxiety attack. My heart pounded so hard and so fast that I was legitimately concerned that it was going to stop beating out of exhaustion.

Lying in bed, I tried to think of how to slow my heart down. Valdosta hugging me from behind obviously wasn't working. My heart needed to be compressed; it needed pressure on top of it.

I punched Valdosta in the arm. "You need to roll over," I said much more harshly than I intended. Soundlessly, he obeyed. I formed the reverse-spoon and molded myself against his back. I smooshed my face into his shoulder blade, and then because I didn't want to be a big inconvenience, I wrapped my arms around his arms instead of draping them across his stomach. I squeezed, felt relief in my chest and fell asleep.

Valdosta eventually shifted. I woke up again, my heart no longer in pain. Where I had grabbed a hold of him was a wall of sweat from such intense contact. It extended from the nape of his neck down to the backs of his knees. I was damp from it. Well, you kind of brought that upon yourself, I thought. Valdosta rolled onto his back and I took my position on his shoulder.

At 6:30 a.m., his alarm went off. I woke up feeling relieved that both the night and the dream were over.

"I did not sleep well last night," Valdosta said. "I was hot."

"That one's on me," I admitted pitifully. "I had a bad dream."

Valdosta rolled towards me and we lay face to face. Then he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me to his chest. He squeezed tightly. Any residual fear I felt evaporated. My heart was compressed.

"Huh," I said. "All I had to do was tell you."


Krista said...

I have nightmares from a previous relationship and past assault so it's always the test of a relationship if the guy can handle the nightmares. I think he did a brilliant job. ;-)

Tracy said...

That was amazing. This guy sounds perfect. I'm so happy for you!

Dawn said...

Can you move onto the post where you tell us that you're marrying him? :)

Meghan said...

It wouldn't surprise me if you were having nightmares because your sleeping mind doesn't know what else to do . . . . how can any dream possibly compare with your reality of Valdosta? Nightmares are all it has left.

He is so amazingly wonderful. I'm sure there's less-than-fantastic stuff, but I'm willing to bet even the less-than-fantastic is still better than your best with anyone else.

Lpeg said...

Oh wow, what a sweetie. I would've been curious to see what he would have done in the middle of the night.

There have been a few really horrendous nights I've had dreams that were really bad, and no matter how awoke I was, it felt like the dream became reality. The next morning I told my bf (he hadn't stayed the night) and he said I should've called him in the middle of the night. I hadn't thought of that - just figured I had to get through it on my own.

Simmarah said...

Crazy how you were having nightmares in the security of Valdosta's presence. Those are definitely some intense dreams...

I'm glad he's being so good to you <3 Happy!

V said...

Acceptance is beautiful.

freckledk said...

This one clearly fancies you. Enjoy every gorgeous moment of it (and open a window before sleepovers).

Bathwater said...

I find myself both happy for you and a bit jealous I find myself wishing I were telling wonderful stories too.

AfterGirl said...

And you are still dating Memphis why?

MummyDearest said...

I'm pretty sure he's your Lobster.

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

Color me jealous. This guy is the bee's knee's.

I had a lot of nightmares when the last guy would sleep over, he would tell me the following morning about how he got me to calm down by lightly touching my hands or back. So simple, yet sweet. Anyway, back to the drawing board.

BTW how dare someone dream steal your dog!

lookingforfaith77 said...

I knew mine was the one when I realized he had the power to calm me down. What an intensely powerful gift.

princesswithoutthepea said...

lmfao at you tryna find money to get your dog back in ur dreAm

A. Benjamin said...

You ever think you drink too much? These are some classic alcohol withdrawal symptoms. What you may see as normal alcohol consumption is actually rather excessive from what you post about it. Something to think about.

Tex In The City said...

Aww, the dream sucked but the morning hug was nice.


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