During one of our lunches together, Schmoozer and I figured out the algorithm for online dating. Date #1 is always coffee/drinks at a coffee house/wine bar/dessert place. Notice how no meal is involved in case of early exit.
Date #2 is a light dinner out at a restaurant followed by an activity.
"But how much is the entree?" asked Schmoozer.
I thought back to my previous second-date experience. The Hungarian took me out to a nice Tex-Mex restaurant. Memphis and I checked out a gourmet pizza place. Valdostsa and I had Cuban.
"Mmm, $10 – 15 entrees," I said.
"Damn, I paid too much," said Swayze when we later announced our algorithm.
"Now Date #3, that's the money date," I told Schmoozer. "That's the date where the goal is for the guy to get the girl to his apartment." He raised his eyebrows, surprised that I was onto the game. "The ruse is usually one or two things: he'll offer to cook dinner, or he'll send an invite to watch a movie at his place."
He laughed. "We're that transparent?"
"Yes."
***
The cycle starts yet again. I met Date #12 at the same café that offers spiked coffees and desserts that I met The Hungarian and Date #4. I breeze in, relaxed.
Date #12 is 26 years old and a second-time college student. He went back to school when he figured out that he wanted to manage hotel restaurants, not just work in them.
He's bald. Shaved-head, shiny-skinned bald. It's out of necessity. He offsets the look with thick plastic-frame glasses. Think preppy Moby. What cinched it for me was his attire. There are two super-secret outfits that make me swoon and he wore the second one. I like to call it The McDreamy Look. A thin, dark sweater layered over an Oxford shirt with the collar and sleeves showing.
Due to the slow waitstaff, we hit every topic that could possibly be covered on a first date.
"Coke or Pepsi?" he asked.
"Are you kidding me? Coke."
"Sweet tea or unsweetened?"
"Unsweetened."
He raised an eyebrow. "My parents were Yankees, so I grew up with unsweetened and it stuck," I explained.
He was nice, maybe a little too nice. He asked me at least three times to not play games with him and just be honest and shoot him an e-mail if I change my mind about dating him. The fact he repeated it several times smacks of insecurity.
I agreed to go out with him again, but I find myself battling with his full-time student status. He's a college student and because he's not working, he's college poor. College poor is below poverty-level poor. He told me he had to find a specific parking space at the café because his 20-year old truck no longer goes in reverse. I asked him if he was current on his bills and his answer was "This month." That kind of poor.
I remember college poor. It was awful. It was also almost 10 years ago. I'm not really looking to go back to that lifestyle. I also worked my way through college so I wouldn't be college poor. Moreover, I've also spent 3 of the last 4 years financially supporting other poor boyfriends and I'm not hip on going through that situation again either. I was hoping to date someone who could meet me where I am.
What would you do?
2:05 PM
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25 comments:
Date him! If you like him, then you'll learn to live with the rest.
I would take his advice and shoot him an email letting him know that maybe a second date just isn't in the cards.
Like you said, you don't want to be "supporting" someone who just isn't at the same place in life that you are.
Also, the second date just may be PB&J sandwiches ;)
Hmm, I think a second date is a possibility, play it light see what things are discussed. However, mentioning of money on the first date is a no-no, I don't know why he would do that. If you still can't get past the broke as shit issue, then email him.
I go to school full time and work full time, sometimes 50+ hours, what's his lazy excuse!?!
Thats one of my favorite outfits too!
I say nay. You've been there, done that. You're successful and secure. You deserve someone in the same place (or very quickly getting there).
It's stressful to be in a different place than your significant other...He may be nice, but you DESERVE someone as hardworking as yourself.
My co-worker and I say so anyway. For what it's worth! Hope your vacation is going well! Soak up the sun for me. It's snowing here with no end in site.
Oooh...this one is a toughie.
I've dated both paupers and Kings and, in the end, it all boiled down to how they treated me, not whether or not they "treated" me.
Still, it's lovely to be treated. Hmmph. Did I mention that this one was a toughie?
I say go for it. Maybe he's spectacular in bed and will pen sonnets in your honor. Or maybe he'll be a total drag and you can then have two reasons as to why he wouldn't be good boyfriend material.
You go out with him again until it becomes completely apparent that being broke is a total turn off. Who knows, perhaps he makes up for it in other areas, and any time you can compare your date to McDreamy...you need to give that shit a shot!
And at least he's broke because he's getting an education, not because he valets cars.
Next!
I agree with Jess. It's not a typical red flag, but at the same time, it is. Next date!
I also say Next...Yes, he could be kind or great in bed or whatever, but you deserve a guy that's both of those things and in at least the same place in his career as you are.
Dating him would be setting up yourself again to be the one making compromises - not him. I find dating guys like that limit spontaneity and add stress to things you probably do normally - weekend trips, throwing parties, going out to eat/drink. Sure, you could still do it, but it'd be all on you.
I would likely go on the second date and wait and see what happens. You are aware of the situation and if it starts to look like you are carrying him financially you can always back out. The smart thing to do would probably be move on.
If he can afford eHarmony then he can't be entirely broke!
if you're already picking him apart i'd say skip the second date.. he won't be able to afford the 3rd anyway, so why waste your time? if you had a spectacular time that you wouldn't hesitate repeating, then i'd say go for it, regardless of his financial situation. but you're already hesitant, why drag out the inevitable? especially if it's going to make you uncomfortable and anxious as the dates go on (you know, reminding you of your past). you're right, you need and totally deserve someone who can hold his own.
What Nicole said.
Also, there is nothing wrong with wanting someone financially stable. Sometimes we are at different places in life. We might like someone, but we want different things.
One of my exes who I adored broke up with me and I was so so sad, but realized "SHIT, dude was 34, part time job and DJing and still "searching", I was 34, ready to buy a condo and totally fine with where I was. While there weren't any obvious financial difficulties for either one of us, we were at different places in life. Sounds like #12 and you might be too.
don't think you can be blamed for wanting someone who is on the same page of life as you are. unfortunately, he is not. tell him to give you a call when he's done with college!
love love love freckled's comment: "I say go for it. Maybe he's spectacular in bed and will pen sonnets in your honor." too funny. But I have to say I think this is doomed from the start. You are 29 and successful. He is 26 and his shit is a mess. kudos for him for the education but its never gonna work. He has too much he needs to accomplish in his life. I firmly believe when a man isn't "successful" or at least stable and on his way to "successful" whatever a measure of success may be but definitely not BROKE and not at the beginning of it all, they aren't ready to settle down until they're satisfied in their working/living/self life independent of anyone else. I guess it depends on what you are looking for though. If you just wanna have fun and spend some time with someone in the short or long term then hey why not. But if you at 29 are looking to eventually meet someone, get married, have a family then he's not there and it'd be a waste of time. I hate to sound like a gold digging bitch but I'm dating a successful well-to-do guy who owns his own home and takes me on great dates and it is AMAZING. He is an amazing person too but still - its nice to be w someone who can provide. (and eventually I would HELP him provide since I work too). Cheers, T.
I say let him go. Like Toddy said, you're 29 and have your life together. You deserve a real man who has his shit together and wants someone to share it with.
I've got to echo Freckledk's comment.
I once dated a millionaire; no exaggeration. I thought that fact alone meant he had his shit together. He didn't. He was insecure, petty and vindictive.
I've also dated guys that are relatively poor. And they've been insecure, petty and vindictive.
My point is: the amount of money you have is not directly related to 'having your shit together'.
Other than the economic factor, do you like him enough to go on a second date? If you do, great. If you don't, that's cool too.
He does get props for the McDreamy outfit though. I love that too. :)
I don't know what I'd do -especially, after just getting out of a relationship with someone who had no money and I had to pay for everything. I think it would be a deal breaker for me, but that's just me.
Wow, this is so tough. :( I guess, think about your expectations and what you are truly looking for from a man and relationship right now and decide if he can really fit into those expectations, given his situation.
Kind of vague advice but only you have the answer to this one, I think. Good luck!
For some reason it bothers me that there is an algorithm, that it's so predictable.
I feel a couple of ways about this.
Yes, I agree with some people in regards to money. But then - at the same time, I don't. I guess it's because I'm in that situation at the moment - because some of these things are beyond his control.
Granted, he's not great with money - but then again, neither am I. We're rather alike, we are, and I can't fault him for that.
In my circumstance, I will most likely be the main income earner. And I think... I think, that I might be okay with that. It's not that he's not a hard worker, but with the medical issues, it's not something we can rely on. And besides - the guy writes songs for me - I mean really, I always planned on having to work - so why not have someone who makes coming home to worth while?
I guess that's my take. But then again, I feel like he is my person - the one I'm supposed to be with. And at the end of the day - I'd give anything to be with him.
Re: 1st dates...
I feel like sharing, I hope you enjoy it!
I met D-bag at a bar. He asked me out. I said yes. He had me meet him at Acme Comedy club. Turns out it was free amateur night. Riiight.
He ordered drinks for himself, didn't offer me one (I like a little chivalry).
It was late and he invited me back to his place for a movie. Riiiight. I know the "game." I said sure, knowing full well I wouldn't go near "that."
His apartment was across the street. Riiiight.
It got later, he got naked, I was fully clothed and laughing a lot at him. He thought I'd strip too, just because he did. Ha.
He got a call, suddenly he needed me to leave, he tried to slyly get me to exit around back. Lucky me, I was parked just a block away at the club. As I walked out into the lot and he was saying goodbye, a girl (pissed!!) peeked around the building and then retreated - he took off running back inside. Riiiight.
I did answer some of calls after that, but it involved a lot of laughing at his continued attempts. Wow, right?!
-dont
Funny--I just wrote a post about this very same thing! I have to be honest: due to the response I received from someone who really thoroughly appreciated my honesty, I have decided to use that approach for everyone I'm just not feeling a connection with. And after thinking I'm out on a great date with someone only to never hear from them again, I decided that, even if it's not what I want to hear, it would provide me the closure I need to walk away and focus on someone else.
Personally, I couldn't go back to the college poor. NOT BECAUSE I'm a materialistic person and need to be wined and dined... I definitely think it has more to do with where I am in life. Though I have my own financial struggles, I just don't think I would be able to handle going out with someone who is in the college poor mentality. Those days just seem so far in my past, too.
I trend a little with FreckledK on this one, in that I've dated filthy rich and in the end it doesn't mean much. And no dollar value can be assigned to the way one feels when treated like gold. Also, it seems this guy's current state of poverty is temporary and merely a stepping stone to something better. It's just a slippery slope for a giver to partner up with someone who can benefit from generosity. Oh, yeah, totes projecting here. :)
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