~Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A heartbeat away from being

It's been a month since my breakup with Valdosta and I'm surprised with how much it has actually hurt.

I think it was Banky in Chasing Amy who said that love is best when it dies young, a la Romeo and Juliet. You fall in love, and one person dies at the apex of the relationship. The love never dies. Harsh exchanges were never made. Ultimatums were never given. Feelings were never hurt. You're left with only good memories and because of that, the one who left is idolized. Or maybe idealized. Most likely both.

I feel there are a lot of similarities with Valdosta's and my relationship. It was easy. It was only good times. And then it stopped.

He left before the bad and the ugly could have transpired. Before the faults could be discovered. I'm left alone with only the good. I have nothing to work with as to why I shouldn't like him. As to why the relationship couldn't have lasted (other than the glaring one of that he left).

When I stood up the from the table and walked home, I was cocky in my absolute certainty that Valdosta would regret his decision and come back one day. I give it six weeks, I thought to myself. Let him date others and think of me. A girlfriend told me I would be the one that got away in his life. I agreed! My mother said that this wouldn't be the last that I hear from him. My own past dictates that he will return. They all do. They all say that they didn't realize what a good girlfriend I was and how they missed me and, by the way, they are sorry they treated me badly. Unfortunately for them, this never happens until I'm good and pissed off and don't care anymore.

But because Valdosta was such a great guy, I'm beginning to think he won't come back. He said he gave me and him and us a lot of thought because he didn't want to make the wrong decision in leaving me. And because he was a good guy of respectable character—unlike my sleaze-bag ex-boyfriends—he won't come back. He made the right decision.

I didn't expect it to hurt this much. It was only two months. I had been happy before I met him. I still don't feel back to normal. I don't feel as shiny as I used to. I'm worried that instead of me being Valdosta's one-that-got-away girl, he's going to be my one-that-got-away guy. And that utterly terrifies me.


Anonymous said...

That is precisely how I feel about Pete and it is so easy to get caught up in the "what if's". But there is a saying "Don't cry for what was lost, smile that it ever happened." Easier said than done, but it makes sense. You will feel better someday and have faith, anything is possible and he may very well still come back.

Emma said...

That's EXACTLY how I felt when the Ex broke up with me. I knew without a doubt, deep down into my soul, he was going to come back; that he would regret his decision. I felt SO strongly this way for weeks until little by little it seeped in that he didn't feel that way at all. And he was moving on and here I was left in the dust with this awesome relationship that just ended for no good reason I could mollify myself with.

Took so long to get over him - but I promise you - when I finally was over him, I did feel shiny again. I polished myself and got back into the game.

Bathwater said...

You didn't let him go, he left. I'm not sure I understand why but I wouldn't qualify him as one that got away.

Wild Oats said...

This is the story of my love life. Plain and simple. It happens every single time I'm in love or on my way to getting there. I've never once had a true fight that ended things. A misunderstanding, maybe, but not an all-out brawl. There have never been harsh words between me and a now-ex. Each time, it just died for reasons I will never know or be able to explain. It hurts so bad because we didn't have a chance to be the ones to end things. We hold on to hope that they will realize the mistake that they made and come running back. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. But it's never the same. It's never as good as it once was. I still think about the guy I dated over the summer every now and again. OK, who am I kidding? Pretty much daily. Not that I want him to come running back (for a third time), just that I want to feel the way I felt for him for someone else. For the right person. For the person that deserves me.

And one day, we will. And it will be marvelous. And we will feel amazing again. I promise =)

Maura said...

In my head still lives the one (maybe two...) that got away. I try to stop and realize that while seemingly amazing, they decided to leave me.

So rather than labeling them "The Ones That Got Away," I just label them "Dumb." It helps.

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

Don't put him on a pedestal, lets not forget that he did say that he didn't want a serious thing, and was scared of marriage (or settling down, whichever it was) because of his parents divorce, which he saw as a failure.

If a guy uses that excuse on me, I immediately see "cop out" and "game playing" flashing in lights. Fuck that guy, you want to use that as an excuse, your a coward. Sorry, honest truth. I'm harsh, and I'm a bitch, and I don't care. I also have a stepdad, so I speak from experience.

Its one thing to be cautious after being in a divorced family, but to be so "scared" that he won't even attempt something good... well, better to hurt now than 10 years down the road when the baggage is overwhelming.

I haven't been reading your blog for too long now, but I think you deserve someone better.

Ariel said...

Oh. Everywhere I look, life is turning out to be a fairly disappointing experience, when it doesn't actually scare the crap out of people. I have no magic words to soothe an aching heart but perhaps this thought will help: try and look at things from a different point of view. Heck, try all the points of view under the sun until you find one that you are comfortable with. It might just work.

D said...

There will be another. There will be another. Let's both repeat that a million more times. He's not the last one to see how wonderful you are!
It's easier to write then believe... but-
He left. There will be one who stays.

EmilyinNYC said...

I recently broke up with someone who I'm sure will come back. Will he really? Who knows? But as much as it sucks, I keep telling myself that I met him and a million guys before him, so I'll meet someone else. I hope :P

La Femme said...

You can do better. Just think of him as your stepping stone to bigger and better men. A first step, and it only goes up from here girl!

freckledk said...

Valdosta is not the one who got away. He's the one who let you get away. As lovely as he may be, he's not the guy for you. Remember that if he does try to come back...because, I agree, he likely will.

treacle said...

Valdosta is a decent, fun, honest man. Valdosta is not the one for you.

The one for you, the one that comes and doesn't leave, let you go, worry about the future, allow baggage to get in the way, treat you bad.. that one is going to make Valdosta and all the good times with him completely disappear.

And if you feel your eyebrow start to rise, just look at yourself in the mirror and remember that you've just had a brilliant experience in dating.

That was a long time coming.

How on earth could you be prepared for Valdosta x Billion if you hadn't had this first step?!?!?!?!?

loves ya!

Simmarah said...

It all seems dim and dark, but I can't wait for the day when you meet Valdosta squared who rocks your socks more than Valdosta ever could.

Hang in there and smile :) Life is amazing.

Lpeg said...

I agree 100% with Treacle. And no, Valdosta is NOT your 'one that got away'. You didn't leave him - you tried your best, and him leaving just shows you that he was not the one for you.

And she's right - he was just a step up on getting back up there. I remember when I went on the first date with a man who treated me like I WANTED to be treated. It was marvelous, and although I knew, deep down that I would never hear from him again, that one night alone made me not so nervous to get back into the dating world - got my head on better, and I knew what I wanted, and what I would hold out for.

And miraculously? He came around. Albeit a few years later, but he came around. And he has made all of the exes that I once thought I had loved just disappear.

He's out there, Sarah, just you wait.

Toddy said...

You've got some really amazing and supportive commenters here who have already said it all. I'll just add I'm sorry you are going through this. It will get better. He is NOT the one. You will know who the one is. The moment you meet them. And it will all feel TOO EASY. Not that their wont be anxiety, insecurity, difficulty or conflict but just that you won't be able to fuck it up. It'll just be right. And he'll be on the same page. And he wont leave. Hang in, T.

Anonymous said...

The ones you break up with are the ones that got away. Not the other way around.

When someone breaks up with me, no matter how much I liked them, no matter how much i thought they were the one, those emotions don't last. It's the ones that I dumped that make me wonder what if.

Either way, it sucks. Because part of me likes to wallow in those old feelings and it prevents me from moving on in a timely manner.

Charlotte said...

I have been there. And the last time, it really, really hurt. But you know, I had to find a way to make closure with this fact, because harping on it wasn't helping me (I'm not saying that's what you're doing, just expressing what I experienced). In the meantime, do all the things you did before Valdosta was in the picture. Surround yourself with all your wonderful friends, laugh a lot, play as much as you can, go on those cathartic jogs, and soon, you won't think of him in that way. It's not necessarily a matter of who was the better catch; sometimes two people just aren't right for each other. *HUGS* Hang in there, girl. It gets better.

Paige Jennifer said...

It's hard to not take these situations personally. I mean, I'm 50% of the equation, no? And when you're in it, when it's fresh and raw, it's hard to see the whole picture. The romantic in me totally relates to your sentiment. The confident bitch in me tosses her hair over her shoulder and figures it was his loss. And anyway, if he couldn't appreciate me then, how I can expect him to appreciate how great I am down the line?


But I'm usually the romantic.


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