~Monday, March 14, 2011


Around midnight after another epic Friday happy hour, I was shuffled into the parking lot and ordered in someone's car. I fell down in the grass only to stand up giggling and fall down again. It had been one of those nights.

The girl driving the car I met through dodgeball. I don't know her very well—it turned out I had been pronouncing her name wrong all evening—but I buckled my seat belt. Vince climbed in the hatchback of her Beetle and laid down, mumbling that he was being kidnapped. Only we kind of were. The plan was to go to Harvey's house, but the girl driving wanted to go to another bar.

We ended up at our dodgeball league bar. I stumbled into the small room that makes up the bar. I tugged at her shirt, "It's midnight and it's not a game night; we aren't going to know anybody. Heeeey!"

As soon as I said that, we ran into a guy on another team, one that I've befriended over the past season. He was standing with two other guys that I didn't recognize.

"Are your friends single?" I blatantly asked.


"For real?"


"Then come back to Harvey's. We'll play beer pong."

"But we only know flip cup!" he protested.

"It'll be fun!" I promised.

And just like that the boys left and picked up a case of beer and met us at Harvey's. I was surprised at the ease the situation transpired. I asked if they were single and they said yes. I asked them to leave a bar and go to someone's house that they didn't know and they said yes. The entire conversation took less than five minutes.

Harvey's husband set up the beer pong table and I played the two single guys with the girl who drove me around town. I won.

Just as quick as the boys decided to come to Harvey's, they decided to leave. The guy I did know thanked me over and over and said he had my number and he'd be in touch. Sucks for me that he was the married one. After they left, I received more texts about what a good time they had.

My phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, but I picked up the call, hoping it was one of the single guys I just met.


It took me a beat to place the voice. It was Christopher.

"Oh. hey."

He tries to casually start a conversation. My replies are terse.

"What's that noise I hear in the background?" he probes.

"I'm at a party."

"No, you're not. Where are you?"

"I told you. I. am. at. a. party."

Harvey hears my lowered and curt tone and turns around. Who is it? she mouths, silently.

Christopher, I mouth back.

"Hand me the phone," she says with her arm extended towards me, palm up.

I place the phone in her hand. She hangs up on him. Immediately the phone begins ringing again.

This is too much. The cute, single guys who boosted my ego had left. The one I don't want is calling. I'm drunk.

I left the ringing phone in Harvey's possession and ran upstairs to the spare bedroom. I flopped down on the bed and tears started rolling down my face. Stupid, nonsensical, drunk tears. I could hear Harvey talking on the phone downstairs and everyone laughing.

"No, you're drunk!" she shouts into the phone. "Fine, then say 'bank statement.'" Everyone cheers.

A few minutes later, I watch Harvey tiptoe up the stairs and peek into the bedrooms until she finds me. She crawls on the bed next to me and hands me my phone back. "I programmed the number as Do Not Answer so you won't accidentally pick it up anymore." As if to illustrate her point, Christopher begins calling again. She shows the phone to me, "See?" Then she hangs up on him. The phone rings again, and she hangs up on him again.

"He kept trying to tell me how much money he was making, but he was slurring the whole time," she said.

I sniffed.

She motioned towards the window, "Those curtains came with the house. Aren't they ugly?"

"Mmm hmm."

Another pause. "This is going to be the baby's room."

Great. I was lying on the bed drunk and crying in the baby's room. I tainted the baby's room with my bad ju ju.

"It's the farthest room from your bedroom," I tried.

"Are you kidding me? Do you think I want to be woken up in the middle of the night?"

I began talking. About everything and anything and nothing at the same time. I've spent so much time putting on a brave face that I just needed a release, even if it came through hard liquor and beer pong. Harvey listened silently, knowing that it didn't really matter what I was saying, just that I was saying something.


Yesterday I logged on Facebook to discover that S has now sent me friend request #3.

I had this huge accomplishment over the weekend. I got up and ran the race and finished in a respectable amount of time for my first attempt. I've felt so much personal growth over the last year and it's exhausting to constantly battle the roach infestations that are my sleazebag ex-boyfriends.

My ex-boyfriends are cockroaches. Where there's one, there's usually another one lurking nearby. Just when you think you got rid of them, they come back stronger than ever. They're nocturnal, vile and they'll outlive us all.


Anonymous said...

Block their #s. You don't need to here from them period, let alone after midnight for a booty call!! If you answer just once they will think they have you and keep trying. Kevin

AmericanBridget (Jones) said...

Holy whiz bangers, your last paragraph is genius and I must repost in and give you credit and kudos on my next blog post.

Where there's one, there's more. God, I love this analogy in all its glory.

Thank you for the smile. And my hat tips off to you for your bravery.

Continue to keep your chin up.

La Femme said...

You can, and SHOULD, block them from Facebook as well as your phone. That's much easier to do as well. I should know, I have something embarrassing like 4 people blocked on my facebook.

Don't let them get you down. Think of them as a reminder of how far you've come. It's life way of saying "Hey Sarah, check out what you don't have to deal with on a daily basis anymore? Woohoo!"

Breeza said...

I totally agree with La Femme. Block, program as DNA and forget them. Or call an exterminator :)

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

I like to think of it as "Couldn't stop thinking about me huh loser?? Well go F YOURSELF" I also take great pleasure in ignoring ex's.

After my anger subsides, I do get upset that my past losers are the only ones contacting me, however, once they are denied enough they usually forget me.

D said...

It's like they can smell when you're doing well and like to give you emotional whiplash. Stay busy and stay strong. Think about how good you felt finishing the race. You made that good feeling yourself. Remember that.

j said...

Brilliant post...love the analogy.

Bathwater said...

It is a great post Sarah, sorry they are causing you pain. I think you are very brave. Much more so than I.

Anonymous said...

Oh Sweetie, you and I must share a blood line somewhere. It's scary how much we share the same luck. If it's any consolation I spent the better part of Sunday crying. Once in the afternoon in the shower then again in the night in my car sitting in the rain. I think the trick is to not let those stupid little reminders that niggle their way in get us down. Instead in our crappy moments we must remember to use them as a reminder of how far we have come and triumphed.

You especially, you have done SO MUCH this past year and you have done so well remembering it. And while cocroaches may be hard to squish I promise you will suceed in stamping them out of your life.

Anonymous said...

Funny. But sorry you're feeling the stress of their recurrence. Hug!


Anonymous said...

Oh, and you can block S on FB ... I did that to my own S when I first signed up and he had the audacity to contact me!


nicole said...

great comparison! i never thought of ex's as cockroaches, but now that you mention it, it's the truth.
on another note, is it sad that when you said the baby's room is the furthest from their room i nodded because i knew what her response would be? and is it more sad that i started cracking up laughing at her answer because i completely agree? lol
ps, not sure if i told you, but i got your package. thank you =) i am enjoying them. they keep me company at night when i'm up with a very colic-y baby. like now, as i'm reading your blog and responding with 1 hand while i rock her with the other at 2 am. never have kids. you forget what sleep is. lol

treacle said...

As well as blocking S on your facebook I think there may be a way of blocking Christopher's number. Some phone handsets have the function in the settings but if not get your service provider to block the number.

And... keep going Xx

Dream in Grey said...

They are tossbiscuits and they need to eff off

that is all x


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