~Thursday, July 21, 2011

In Defense of Sexting

  • Sure there's images of 16-year-old girls posing in front of the mirror with her latest Victoria Secret PINK purchase discarded on the bathroom tile. But is she pregnant?
  • And, am I pregnant?
  • You don't have to worry about getting an awkward phone call six months down the line and listen to some guy describe his rash.
  • Also? No condoms. 
  • You know what's better than giving a blowie? Giving an imaginary blowie. No cricks in the neck. No saliva running down your fingers. No "Sorry about the accidental shucking." No pulling that one strange hair out of your teeth.
  • You don't have the wave the airplane in at the airport: "A little higher, please." 
  • You also don't have to flag the play: "Whoops! That wasn't the right place at all!" 
  • It's just the way you like it, all the time.
  • All the money you save by not having to purchase new lace panties. 
  • Actually, you can wear whatever the fuck you want. If it's a t-shirt with Dracula eating a Dorrito that reads, I'm a Party Monster, he's none the wiser.
  • You're the sexiest version of you. The one without the dimple in your ass and the strange mole you're going to have to explain one day. 
  • He's also the sexiest version of him, with the appropriate amount of manscaping without being too gay. Likewise, he doesn't have to explain how he got chicken pox as a kid and that explains the little red spot where there definitely shouldn't be one.
  • You still gain the one-on-one attention which can feel like acceptance and approval because, damn, it's been a long time since you felt either one of those. 
  • He's willing to go down on you too (see above).
  • You don't have to watch that same porn videocassette that your ex-boyfriend left at your apartment when he dumped you in 2003.
  • Your number doesn't increase. You know, the one that reflects both your age and your inability to say no in your twenties.
  • No clean up. That's his problem.


heisschic said...

no having to wash your hands, face, brush your teeth, floss, and use mouthwash post beej for a goodnight peck.

no getting lost on the drive home. no awkward looks from neighbors for that quick change the morning after.

you get to wake up alone. no morning breath to hide, or to act like you don't notice.

i'm with ya, sister.

Gretta James said...

Love this Get this

V said...

What *is* the appropriate amount of manscaping ?

Red Stethoscope said...

Oh, Sarah! You crack me up every time. Love it!

Sarah said...

V, I imagine it's like Goldilocks: Not too little and not too much.

Breeza said...

Haha, nothing wrong with a little sexting.

Northern Lass said...

Doesn't matter if you a week late on your wax or haven't shaved your legs


Phil said...

I know I'm going to regret the answer but what is "accidental shucking"

Sarah said...

Phil - teeth! :O

Nicole C. said...


Phil said...

I can't spell the noise I made when I read your explanation. It sounded like when you suprise a cat and then wimpering.

Paige Jennifer said...

In a fit of laughter, LOVE! I might need this as a laminated poster than I can tack to my refrigerator door for those times I'm feeling lonely. In other news, I think I just peed myself while snarfing my drink.

Charlotte said...

I love this list. *Sigh* I miss having a sexting partner.


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