20 Questions: The Crazy/Hot Continuum

I have a raging crush on one of my co-workers and I am fairly sure it is not reciprocated. How do I get over it so I can go back to working! -Anonymous

I'm a girl who takes pride in my, well, pride. I'm really big on not crossing the Crazy/Hot Continuum. If you haven't heard of the Crazy/Hot Continuum, it's basically a theory that you can't act crazier than you are hot. So if you're real smoking, have at it and set his shit on fire; it'll probably be cool with him.

As an average girl, I'm only allowed an average amount of crazy. This includes: surfing his FB page late at night and looking at pictures, not keeping his number in my phone so I won't drunk dial/text "OMFG! My bra just fell off! Oopsies! Luv U 4 EVA!!," analyzing details for a little too long with my friends to see if he loves me/loves me not, and sending his picture to them so they can rate his hotness. I am not hot enough for late-night drive-bys past his house, nor showing up on his doorstep randomly, etc.

So as an average girl, my advice would be to organize a group happy hour with coworkers. Sometime during the night, sit next to him. Talk about things you have in common, which you already know because you were up late last night gently stalking his Facebook profile. Let's just say you both love planting trees. Say to him, "Yeah, I have been wanting to get up early and join that bitchin' tree-planting organization, but I don't want to go alone."

LET HIM TAKE THE LEAD. If he says, "Hey, we should plant trees sometime," congrats! You are in! If he says nothing, changes the subject, or says something to the extent of "I'm sure you can ask a friend to plant trees with you," then game over. He's not into you. The key in this is to NOT suggest you two go tree planting together, even if you think it'll increase your chances of him saying yes. You are merely providing an opening for him to take the lead. (This is a very Southern way of dating, by the way, but it's very effective.)

So let's just say the boy was stupid and said, "I'm sure you can find someone to plant trees with you." Now you have to get over him. That's it. Shut it down. You are a lady of class. This means your behavior towards him can no longer be anything but friends. No more taking the long way to go to the bathroom at work just so you can walk past his desk. No more coordinating your lunch times so maybe he'll ask you to join him while you are both in the elevator. And no more looking him up wistfully on Facebook. Stop torturing yourself. You can e-mail your girlfriends about it, cry in your car as you listen to that song that makes you think of him and watch sappy movies. Eventually your heart will catch up to your head. It sucks. It's painful, but that's the way it goes.

Other people would say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Not me. It's not the best way; it's the easiest way. There's a difference. You should only run towards people, never away from them. Because then you find yourself silently crying after sex on some random guy's shoulder because he isn't your crush. And that makes you cross the Crazy/Hot Continuum.

Unless you're really hot, then you could probably set fire to his shit as well.