A Gchat conversation with Dr. Kodiak, my ask-anything male confidant:
me: I would love for someone to describe me that way. "She's pretty easygoing and just goes with it"
Dr. Kodiak: That's a pretty typical description of me...substituting "he" for "she"
Do you think its a he/she thing?
Dr. Kodiak: I think guys are more naturally suited to the position, we're constantly compromising but a fair number of girls are good at it
they're frequently married though
as that's a very wife-able trait
I am historically not easygoing. We just solved the riddle
Dr. Kodiak: develop the trait, develop a husband?
me: Sounds easy to me
I imagine the easygoing girl would be dressed in boyfriend jeans, some funny hipster t-shirt and Chucks. She'd have her hair tied back in a messy knot, but it would be a pretty messy, not messy where you can tell what side of her head she slept on. She wears Cover Girl and it looks good!
I don't own boyfriend jeans. That doesn't mean I'm high maintenance; it's just I can be a little type A. I can be a little high strung and have problems with relaxing. Yoga helps. So does beer. So does sex.
I wish I was the girl that I described above. She sounds confident. There seems to be a correlation between easygoing and confidence. The easygoing girl doesn't care that plans change because she's confident she'll see the guy another time. She has trust in her heart.
I've spent some time mulling over what it means to be easygoing. It doesn't mean to ignore things you know you should ignore and suppress them and let them fester. It means truly letting go. That's why the easygoing girl doesn't have wrinkles. (Did I mention this? She has flawless, stress-free skin. That's why she wears the cheap Cover Girl stuff.)
Eleven years ago I was in my very first relationship with my very first boyfriend. He said something to me during an argument that I never forgot, "Just because you can get mad at me," he said, "Doesn't mean you have to get mad at me."
I never understood what this meant. A slight is a slight is a slight. As Dr. Phil says, perception is reality, and my perception was that my feelings were hurt. Therefore he had to deal with the consequences. To this day, I could still write pages upon pages of all the injustices that this boyfriend did. But with the easygoing perspective, about 95% of these arguments would be eliminated.
I know what he meant now. I don't know if it's due to maturity or my past experience with S. A man who cannot spend Sundays with you because he's watching football is not a bad man; a man who pushes you around is. A man who is sometimes late or forgetful is a not a bad man; a man who insults you is. Just because you may be warranted in getting angry doesn't mean you have to. Don't treat the good men as if they are the bad men.
I watched Desperate Housewives last weekend. Tom is estranged from Lynette. He moved out, got an apartment and began dating someone new. In a random act of kindness, he brought a pizza to Lynette's house. Lynette commented that the pizza wasn't thin crust.
Tom: "[New girlfriend] would never complain about the pizza crust. Was it necessary for you to complain about that pizza? You always nitpick me. Can't you just get over the little things?"
This is the man's perspective.
I've been more easygoing in recent months, but I'm not there yet. I think back something I once said to Abraham:
"I never do the girl thing, so let me do it now."
"I like you because you never do the girl thing," he responded.
He liked me because I was able to enjoy the moment and have a good time without serious discussions of where this is going. Here’s something I’ve learned: Men often don’t know where this is going, but they are happy in the here and now.
The other week we were getting ready to go somewhere, and he offered to let me pick out his shirt. Abraham is the very definition of easygoing: he doesn't care what he wears, and he knows it makes me happy to pick out his clothes. I flipped through the hangers and pulled out a t-shirt. It was a comic strip of two scenes. In the first scene, a girl stick figure is yelling at a boy stick figure. In the second scene the boy stick figure has his hand extended and the girl stick figure is falling out the comic-strip box. I think it reads, "Problem solved."
"This shirt," I said as I handed it to him. "It'll be funny when you are out with me."
"I like that you're cool enough to appreciate this shirt," he said as he pulled it over his head.
"I'll let you know when that shirt is no longer funny," I teased.
"This shirt will always be funny."
Even the t-shirt embodies the message: men don't want women who are uptight. The times I have been easygoing, I received very favorable responses. The times I have reverted back to being uptight, nothing was accomplished. I didn't even get my way.
This has become my New Year's Resolution, albeit a bit late. I am going to sweep my hair into a messy top knot. I am going to be that easy, breezy Cover Girl. I am going to forgive perceived slights, and then I am going to forgive them again for good measure. I am going to chill the fuck out. I'm interested to see what develops.