Of man and woman, I did not think I was going to be the one to break the silence. I once pointed out to Abraham that he goes to the restroom a lot. He had to inform me that most of those times, he was just being polite.
"Oh, yes," I nodded. "We're not at that point yet."
We've talked about this, and yet I was the one. I'm not even a gassy person, but I farted.
I had spent the evening drinking beer at a brewery before heading to Abraham's house. Once there we split a pizza and another 6-pack of beer. I got silly. We went to bed and everything was fine.
Then it happened. I did it in my sleep, and it woke me up. My eyes flew open, not realizing what happened, only that something happened that shouldn't have. Slowly I pieced together that I was in Abraham's bed and therefore not alone.
My breathing stopped. I froze. My first priority was assessing whether Abraham heard. His breathing was shallow, but he didn't move. It would just be like Abraham to ignore this, the stupid gentleman that he is. He never tells me he notices the embarrassing things I do until I admit them to him first. But I farted! In front of him!
I shifted in bed. And then I had the most startling realization of all: Abraham was spooning me. I farted on him.
I died. Right there in his bed, I died. He still didn't move. Visions of Carrie Bradshaw farting in Mr. Big's bed ran through my head. Carrie dashed out of bed and ran into a wall while he laughed. Running into a wall would be more pleasurable than this moment.
Just to be safe, I detached from Abraham and retreated to my side of the bed. It was cold and lonely on my side of the bed. I had to put my hands between my knees for warmth.
In the early morning hours, Abraham got up and went into the bathroom. He returned and found me in bed.
"I have something awful to tell you," I whimpered.
"I farted. On you. I was sleeping and it woke me up. I'm sorry."
Abraham laughed. It was a genuine, non-threatening laugh that conveyed he thought it was funny that I was so horrified. He laughed in a way that made it okay. "I'm sure worse things have been done to me," he said.
He laid in silence for a moment. "And to think I just wasted a good fart in the bathroom."
~Wednesday, January 04, 2012