~Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Breaking Silence

I farted.

Of man and woman, I did not think I was going to be the one to break the silence. I once pointed out to Abraham that he goes to the restroom a lot. He had to inform me that most of those times, he was just being polite.

"Oh, yes," I nodded. "We're not at that point yet."

We've talked about this, and yet I was the one. I'm not even a gassy person, but I farted.

I had spent the evening drinking beer at a brewery before heading to Abraham's house. Once there we split a pizza and another 6-pack of beer. I got silly. We went to bed and everything was fine.

Then it happened. I did it in my sleep, and it woke me up. My eyes flew open, not realizing what happened, only that something happened that shouldn't have. Slowly I pieced together that I was in Abraham's bed and therefore not alone.

My breathing stopped. I froze. My first priority was assessing whether Abraham heard. His breathing was shallow, but he didn't move. It would just be like Abraham to ignore this, the stupid gentleman that he is. He never tells me he notices the embarrassing things I do until I admit them to him first. But I farted! In front of him!

I shifted in bed. And then I had the most startling realization of all: Abraham was spooning me. I farted on him.

I died. Right there in his bed, I died. He still didn't move. Visions of Carrie Bradshaw farting in Mr. Big's bed ran through my head. Carrie dashed out of bed and ran into a wall while he laughed. Running into a wall would be more pleasurable than this moment.

Just to be safe, I detached from Abraham and retreated to my side of the bed. It was cold and lonely on my side of the bed. I had to put my hands between my knees for warmth.

In the early morning hours, Abraham got up and went into the bathroom. He returned and found me in bed.

"I have something awful to tell you," I whimpered.


"I farted. On you. I was sleeping and it woke me up. I'm sorry."

Abraham laughed. It was a genuine, non-threatening laugh that conveyed he thought it was funny that I was so horrified. He laughed in a way that made it okay. "I'm sure worse things have been done to me," he said.

He laid in silence for a moment. "And to think I just wasted a good fart in the bathroom."


Scrumps said...

Looooooool! I love this. I know I shouldn't. But I love how he just shrugged off the awkwardness of it all. Because we shouldn't be doing these un-ladylike things! Bless him.

j said...

This made me smile.

nuttycow said...

It happens. Apparently I used to do it the whole time. I can't believe that's true, of course. I'm a lady :)

treacle said...

Smiling a lot when I read your blog Sarah.

Northern lass said...

I love that the fart woke you up!

Least it didn't wake him up...

Anonymous said...

Come on Sarah - enough of the BS. Either you are really way ahead of this relationship or you are dreaming this.

The Singleship said...

Ha! I feel like this is a relationship rite of passage, albeit a horribly embarrassing one. But by telling him this, you know you have guaranteed that he is always going to fart in front of you now, right?

Sarah said...

Ha! And to think I edited that conversation down because I thought the unabridged version was not believable.

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

At least it wasn't his fart that woke you up. Well, either way.

Anonymous said...


my bf and i are still 'polite' with this, seriously! but it's more of a joke than truly embarrassing. i had a similar first experience with him on vacation in our first year. i was sick and warned him warily i expected it to happen. he normally is ALWAYS asleep before/during/and after me. but this one time i did it in my sleep and he was awake. AUGH!

anyway, funny times.


Anonymous said...

This just cracked me up! It's happened to all of us - you just capture it so very well.

(PS: I feel a bit disrespectful to you and your fabulous blog that, despite reading for long and wanting to comment so often on some of your deeper and more heart-wrenching posts, I finally break my silence on a fart post. It just had me laughing till I cried.)


Miss Chevious said...

Hilarious! Absolutely hilarious! I loved his line about "well I just wasted a perfectly good fart" or whatever it was. He sounds like a dream. :)

Miss Devylish said...

It's been a while and I have lots to catch up on but that was f'ing adorbs. He's clearly a keeper. I don't think running into a wall would've been better. I think he sounds pretty perfect.. ;) xo

Bathwater said...

If only that was all one had to worry about.

tc said...

We've been together almost three years, and I have NEVER farted in front of the boyfriend. He's never farted in front of me, either.

But the first burp story had him almost in tears. I didn't think much of it, he did it all the time in front of me. I said excuse me and carried on like nothing much had happened while he looked like the world had ended. Twenty minutes later, he lets a big one fly and it didn't even register to me until he started laughing.

Certain things are a bigger deal to certain people.

Koodos to Abraham for being awesome about it.

Aritza, Goddess .. said...

Oh Sarah, this is hilarious. Simply because the exact thing happened to me in the past... And I too was horrified. My ex slept through it.. And I never told him. You have cojones ;) and Abraham reacted well to it :) so no worries to have!

mich said...

Hahaha. Cute story. :D


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