When I got dumped by Valdosta, the lovely and wonderful Tex in the City put together a care package for me with love from Texas. I still think about this gesture at least once a week. This is a woman I have never met, although we do share a mutual friend in real life, and she did one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me in my life.
The care package consisted of:
- A blank diary, "to write all of your blog posts that are too personal to publish."
- A pair of fabric handcuffs. "Wear them when you need to feel powerful," she told me. "Just one will do."
- A book of great love letters "to keep the hope alive."
- Scented pheromone perfumes. "I swear to God these work."
- A copy of daily affirmations from my favorite self-help book, Co-Dependent No More. I have since passed this on to my mother who needed it after her divorce, who then passed it on to her co-worker's adult son, also going through a divorce.
- A copy of Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
But he gave one piece of advice that I have found to be irrefutably correct: men are driven by three things: who they are, what they do, and how much they make. "These three things make up the basic DNA of manhood—the three accomplishments every man must achieve before he feels like he's truly fulfilled his destiny as a man. And until he's achieved his goal in those three areas, the man you're dating, committed to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you."
I don't know if "busy" is the word I'd use. "Busy" is an optimistic word, like he's pounding the pavement actively trying to achieve these goals. I've dated my share who weren't. "Distracted" seems more accurate.
If men don't know who they are, which is very tied up in what they do and how much they make, they do not have room in their minds or hearts for you. A quick history:
- S: Drug addict. I was not drugs. And every penny he made (and stole from me) went to drugs. At no point did he plan for any future with me.
- Christopher: Unemployed for 2-1/2 years before we reconnected and then for another year while we were together. He was incapable of loving someone else when he didn't like who he was: a waste of space and a black hole of resources.
- There were countless other one-date wonders who generally seemed lost in life. The Musician comes to mind. So does Jack.
- I was lost in life for several years, but I wasn't cognitive enough to sort myself out first. I think these men were the same. I don't think it's a conscious decision.
For this reason alone, I'd recommend Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Leave a comment if you would like my copy. It will be sent with love from Texas. And now from Georgia.