~Thursday, July 11, 2013

Seduction by the Stars

When I was 14 and a freshman in high school, my friend Ashley (at least, I think that was her name) was really into astrology. And she had a crush on a boy. So for her birthday I bought her Seduction by the Stars: An Astrological Guide to Love, Lust, and Intimate Relationships. Only she got that boy to be her boyfriend without the book, and subsequently I never heard from her ever again. So when her birthday approached, I kept the damn book.

I'm not going to lie. For the next 18 years, every time I dated someone new and learned his birthday, I consulted this book. It tells you how to flirt with, have sex with, have a relationship with, and a break up with every person based on his or her astrological sign. It even goes so far as to come up with sexy 9-1/2 Weeks' scenarios based on astrological signs. I kind of love this book.

And the most valuable thing I ever learned is how to gauge a person's interest by his or her hug. And even though it's the Cuddle Litmus Test for Pisces, this has proven to be universal.

You can use cuddling to gauge your prospects. Here is some body language to be aware of:

The A-Frame Cuddle: Here the Pisces hugs you with the top half of the body but keeps the pelvis well away from yours. Sexual prospects: zero.

The Shoulder-Tapping Hug: Another distancing hug. The Pisces hugs you but taps or slaps you on the shoulder rather than continuing contact. This shows that they are not comfortable with intimate contact with you. Sexual prospects: very poor.

The Dead-Zone Hug: The hugging equivalent of a dead-fish handshake. The Pisces hugs you but just freezes in position, zombie-like. Sexual prospects: poor.

The Warm Hug: The Pisces hugs you affectionately but their body doesn't mold to yours. Sexual prospects: maybe.

The Sensual Hug: The Pisces hugs you and their hands don't stay still but move around your back. This shows a desire to caress your skin and feel you. Sexual prospects: a definite possibility.

The Reverse Hug: The Pisces comes up and hugs you from behind. Your bottom is pressed against something interesting. Sexual prospects: excellent.

The Body-Molding Hug: The Pisces molds their body against yours, warmly snuggling in, crevice to crevice. Sexual prospects: what are you waiting for, you idiot?

The Octopus Hug: Body molding plus wandering hands. Speaks for itself. Sexual prospects: you may have to fight them off.

I have been meaning to blog about the Pisces Litmus Test for years. And now I have finally done it when it's time to give the book away. If you would like to know how to hit on someone based on this hug test*, leave a comment to win the book.

And just for fun, what are some other kinds of hugs that we missed, along with their sexual prospects? I'll start. The Armpit Hug, where you both kind of go in sideways with one arm around the back of the shoulders so only your armpits are touching. Sexual prospects: never going to happen, and you probably shouldn't even be friends.

*J/K. You just unbutton unbutton a cuff or their shirt or blouse and stroke the soft flesh on the inside of their arm. Worked like a charm on Abraham.


Anonymous said...

Oooo! What fun! I read my horoscope every day, from the same newspaper, although I don't put a ton of faith into it, its still fun to read.

Anonymous said...

This sounds like an interesting read. Astrology always fascinates me.

Danielle said...

I call that "the hug of death"

Sarah said...

That is a very accurate description.

Readyandfading said...

I have a birthdays book that I always consult when I meet someone new. I like how this book tells you how to have sex with someone depending on their date....mine just told me how to fight with them...!

M said...

Again, how funny you should make this post. You mentioned this book to me many many years ago and I had completely forgotten the name of it but every time I'm in 'that section' in a bookstore I look around hoping to find it somehow.

So, did you find the book accurate?

Eleni Zoe said...

Hang on, a boy has given me a sensual hug but he did not want to sleep with me. Now I'm confused. :)

But then again, he wasn't a Pisces. I think I really need this book.

Mel said...

My kind of book!

-P said...

I'll submit a review if you give it to me :-)

Anonymous said...

I am a Pisces! I want this book!! I am a very touchy feely Pisces as well. I like hugging people. I think a lot of it is very accurate!

JBean said...

I love stuff like this! I'm a Pisces too :)

NewNew said...

Murder Hug: When a guy comes up behind you or from off to the side and throws his arm around your neck to pull you in and you're not sure if he likes you or is trying to murder you. An alarm automatically goes off in my head. "DANGER! DANGER!"

anna wachs said...

what sign is abe?

Sarah said...

Abraham's a Scorpio. Drawn by mystery!


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