A little dog and pony show

Whether it's a virtue or a vice, I have the ability to train myself to think certain ways. If I tell myself something long enough, I'll start to believe it.

When I first started this blog, my main thought was to get back together with my boyfriend and land the ring and the house. When I was around my family on Thanksgiving and Christmas, they would bring up past boyfriends and ask me what they're up to these days, always interjecting how much they liked them and missed them being around. Whenever subject of Sarah being the only one not married came up, I would make a face and pretend that I didn't want marriage. In truth, I was too embarrassed to admit that I did want it, but I just failed at obtaining it.

And of course because I had this facade about marriage going on, I also had to adopt the same position about kids. I always thought I would be pregnant by 26, but once again, I didn't want to admit this to my family and let them know what a failure their daughter and sister is.

I would make the face and crack the jokes:

"I'll think about marriage when my looks start to go."

"I'll have kids when I'm 40, dried up, and in a good AA program."

Everyone would laugh and clap their hands. At first it hurt a little every time I made the song and dance because I knew it was such a lie. Soon it would hurt a little less. Then it became fun. I liked this carefree personality; I aspired to become it. I love feeling audacious.

Christopher was talking to me the other day about his brother's wedding. It was just moved to St. Barts and it's going to be a very small affair.

"That's awesome," I said.
"But it's just going to be us," he said. I gathered that he was not happy about the change of plans.
"That's what I'm going to do," I continued, "Elope. Go to Vegas and pocket all that wedding money to use on a house. Marriages don't last anyways, why spend money on them?"

Christopher was silent. I stepped back and took in what I just said. It was no longer the song and dance -- I didn't have to formulate my words and plan my jokes like I was used to doing. I just spewed that out.

Have I been playing the part so long that I just perfected the routine? Or do I believe that? Have I really become that cynical?

I don't know.

My blog description reads, "I'm looking for love. Here's hoping I find it one day." and that's just not true anymore. I've been wanting to change it but "Want a fling? Give Sarah a ring!" doesn't sound the same.

I'm not thinking about marriage anymore. I'm not thinking about love anymore. I can't even imagine a monogamous relationship. Audacious people can't be easily tamed, whether or not I'm still playing the part, or have become one.

I don't know the difference and I don't have the answers to these questions and it terrifies me.