~Wednesday, March 22, 2006

A little dog and pony show

Whether it's a virtue or a vice, I have the ability to train myself to think certain ways. If I tell myself something long enough, I'll start to believe it.

When I first started this blog, my main thought was to get back together with my boyfriend and land the ring and the house. When I was around my family on Thanksgiving and Christmas, they would bring up past boyfriends and ask me what they're up to these days, always interjecting how much they liked them and missed them being around. Whenever subject of Sarah being the only one not married came up, I would make a face and pretend that I didn't want marriage. In truth, I was too embarrassed to admit that I did want it, but I just failed at obtaining it.

And of course because I had this facade about marriage going on, I also had to adopt the same position about kids. I always thought I would be pregnant by 26, but once again, I didn't want to admit this to my family and let them know what a failure their daughter and sister is.

I would make the face and crack the jokes:

"I'll think about marriage when my looks start to go."

"I'll have kids when I'm 40, dried up, and in a good AA program."

Everyone would laugh and clap their hands. At first it hurt a little every time I made the song and dance because I knew it was such a lie. Soon it would hurt a little less. Then it became fun. I liked this carefree personality; I aspired to become it. I love feeling audacious.

Christopher was talking to me the other day about his brother's wedding. It was just moved to St. Barts and it's going to be a very small affair.

"That's awesome," I said.
"But it's just going to be us," he said. I gathered that he was not happy about the change of plans.
"That's what I'm going to do," I continued, "Elope. Go to Vegas and pocket all that wedding money to use on a house. Marriages don't last anyways, why spend money on them?"

Christopher was silent. I stepped back and took in what I just said. It was no longer the song and dance -- I didn't have to formulate my words and plan my jokes like I was used to doing. I just spewed that out.

Have I been playing the part so long that I just perfected the routine? Or do I believe that? Have I really become that cynical?

I don't know.

My blog description reads, "I'm looking for love. Here's hoping I find it one day." and that's just not true anymore. I've been wanting to change it but "Want a fling? Give Sarah a ring!" doesn't sound the same.

I'm not thinking about marriage anymore. I'm not thinking about love anymore. I can't even imagine a monogamous relationship. Audacious people can't be easily tamed, whether or not I'm still playing the part, or have become one.

I don't know the difference and I don't have the answers to these questions and it terrifies me.


Jenni said...

I think it's a good thing not to worry about love or marriage right now. While I hope you can keep the cynicism in check, having fun and being single is a wonderful time to get to know yourself. It's okay not to pressure yourself or allow others to influence you. Be your own carefree woman and make up your own mind whenever YOU choose it's right.

Angel Girl said...

I think your just in survival mode right now, I have been there. Sometimes it's just easier to become that person when no end is in sight, it's amazing how quickly the dream comes back when you think it's obtainable.

Have fun, don't worry about the future. It will happen whether you are ready or not.

~ martha ~ said...

It's okay to want marriage and children. I think that thought is drilled into us with the media: couples are happy and children are cute. Don't let it drag you down though you have a life to live and boys to date.

jd's rose said...

One day...


dont eat token said...

I feel for you d.s. Your blog entry sounds just like one of my best friends.

She would never admit to what you are saying here (very brave of you) but when she's drunk she outs those thoughts all too often.

Two Drink Girl said...

We form a shell, and before you know it we are the shell. We look up one day and realize we have to sensor ourselves to the people we could love.

It was a sad day for me, I hope it wasn't as sad for you.


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