I didn't put 2 and 2 together. I can pick up on the most obscure themes and symbols in books and movies, thanks to my ever-so-useful English degree, but the most obvious things evade me.
The nightmare I had Wednesday, I had it for a reason.
I have stat counters on my blogs, it's no secret, you can see them. About once a year my ex (not Mark but THE EX like I mentioned yesterday) will Google my name and it will take him to my blog. Once in my blog, he'll search for the word "boyfriend" to see my status. He'll never contact me, like shoot me an e-mail, but he'll read my blog and disappear just as quickly as he came. He did this last week.
It shakes me up every time he pulls this stunt. It physically jars me and puts me into a bad mood. Why would he look me up? It's not like he's horny and looking for a booty call, I live 800 miles away and we haven't spoken in 5 years.
Jenni once said in a comment that I will break plenty hearts myself. Here's the thing: I never have. I've had 3 true relationships and in all of them, I was the one dumped. I was the one with the broken heart; I was the one left behind. I still think of them collectively every now and then when I'm stuck in traffic and it's that time of the month. I sit behind the wheel, ashamed that I'm even thinking about them, positive that they never look back and think about me. They've all said I'm the best girlfriend they ever had, but at the same time I'm completely forgettable.
I never Google their names though. Does this make me more over my ex than he is over me? I might think of him when my hormones are raging, but I never actively search for him.
The nightmare I have is recurring. The circumstances are always different but the theme is the same: I'm marrying my ex simply because it's time for me to get married. I know it's a mistake before the ceremony even transpires, but I go through with it anyways. My parents are happy. I know I don't love him, I can't even talk to him because I don't know who he is anymore, but I go through with it.
I wonder if he looks me up because he misses me and wonders if he made a mistake. I don't feel that way about him, but just once I would like to be the one not left behind.
5:10 PM
3 weeks ago
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3 comments:
Love is so complex :-) Lah it is good to stay single at times nah
Yeah that is pretty wierd. It sounds to me like he is looking to see if you have moved on, not necessarily to want to get back with you.. just a jealousy thing I suppose.
Regrettably, an ex will pop into my mind every now and then. Not because I miss them or want to even set eyes on them It's just that the imagination wanders. Once, I looked one up on the net. It's because the computer makes things too easy. I shouldn't have done it. It was just convenient and curiosity makes me want to see where he's at in life. Not because I have anything romantic lingering whatsoever, it's just a question that comes to mind that is easily answered with a few typed words and clicks.
It's too bad that you let it shake you up and put you into a bad mood. Why not try a new perspective? You've left an impression that leaves him remembering something good about you occaisionally. That's all. It's simple. "Wonder what Sarah's up to?" Type, type, click, click. Answer received.
You should take some private satisfaction and let it stroke your ego. You DON'T look for him. You only have nightmares about him occaisionally.
And as for why you've only had three real relationships and been dumped everytime? I think you try so very hard to make things work. Then you end up hurt when you should've walked away sooner. You knew it, you just hang on to the love you wished he was or would become. In the end you get dumped, when he should've.
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