~Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Yes... er... maybe? The Sunday Edition

The next morning we get up and I made bloody marys for breakfast. Christopher then switched to screwdrivers and we both were to on beer by noon. He grilled us burgers for lunch and we decided it was nice enough to lay out, so we filled a cooler full of more beer and sat by my pool. Christopher tans, I don't. He's brown already and says the reflection of my skin in the sun hurts his eyes. At one point my skin actually burst into flames while I rotisseried myself on the chair, trying not to let the sun concentrate on any part of my skin for too long.

The absence of distractions forced us to talk.

"So tell me about the wedding plans."

Christopher had no idea to what I was referring, gulped audibly and broke out into a sweat unrelated to the sun.

"Your brother..."

"Oh. Oh!" We talked about his brother's relationship and Christopher opened up about his past, "I've lived with someone before you know."

I sort of got the feeling that he doesn't have much relationship experience. We've been doing whatever we're doing for 3 months. It's okay to have the past relationship talk at this point. We covered the bare basics without any details, which is how I prefer doing it. It should be a gathering of necessary information, not a sob story: Have you ever lived with anyone and for how long, how long was your longest relationship, etc.

I had to drop him off for an hour while my mother came over to give me some food. By the time I went to pick him up at his place, I was late and pissed off at my mother. My relationship with her is very rocky. He saw me upset for the first time, swearing off ugly lamps and announcing I can take care of myself. Instead of telling me to shut up, he talked me through my feelings and to not worry that my mother cried, it wasn't because of me. He then told me about his parents.

He can be really great when he wants to be. The only other time I saw this was when we went to Helen together. It's at these times I see him as an actual person with actual feelings instead of an opponent.

He asked for some blankets, spread them out on my living room floor, and made a makeshift area for us when I put in the new "King Kong." When I laid down, he wrapped his arm around me and squeezed me. My heart about thumped right out of my mouth. This is what I've always wanted from him and now I had it. I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't even know if I could trust it. Maybe things would change once I moved, but maybe not. He's acting differently with me, but he's done this before. He'll be really great, like the last time I saw him, and then I didn't hear from him in 2 1/2 weeks. He'll move forward and then pull away. I didn't know if this was another one of those times. We're camped out on the floor and everything seems perfect, but what next?

I decided to try to not worry about the future anymore, to enjoy each experience to the fullest and not worry if he'll call or not. I relaxed a bit. Christopher then paused the movie, leaned over me, and kissed me. We made out for the first time. Of course it lead to other things and even those were different. He was closer to me and kissed me and spoke to me and was tenderer. Afterwards he said he was gentler with me because I "seemed fragile."

He may have been speaking physically, but I wondered if he saw something else. Did he see something in me? I realized I was feeling fragile. "Fragile" was the perfect word for me at that moment.

The whole day was great. We interacted and conversed as if we were in a relationship. Normally this is the part of the post where I tell you how happy I am and how great I feel, but I feel like I've already cried wolf with Christopher too many times. I am happy and I do feel good, but I'm not going to worry what's next. I may not hear from him again for awhile. That's fine. I know I can't emotionally trust him so I'm not going to let myself develop any feelings. I'm not going to romanticize him. I've had 3 months worth of practice.


Jenni said...

Sounds like you two hang out well together. Just relaxing with no expectations or demands.
The only thing that stands out to me is how you want so badly for Christopher to give you more. I guess what I'm thinking is that if he doesn't begin to give you what you need, then you shouldn't keep hanging on and waiting for it. But who knows, maybe things will work out the way you want them to.
I hope so.
There's certainly a double meaning to Christopher noticing your "fragility".

...and it sounds like you are not just a "white girl", but a "Super White Girl"!!!

Angel Girl said...

You sound like so many thousands of other women out there who are put through the ringer.

It's only natural to want to be desired, for that certain someone to wake up and realize that they got something great and treat you like the queen you are. It's also natural to put up your guard when the constantly put you through a rollercoaster of alternate personalities - like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde of love.

I say it's ok to stay around if you are having fun, but I think you are seeing that after 3 months of "dating" this pretty much all you are going to get from him. You might get a little further, but overall he is showing you what he's capable in this relationship - which isn't much.

I am all for having fun with him, but don't lose sight of reality in this situation. Keep dating around and looking for the quality. You deserve it.

Your Sin City Friend said...

I might not always comment on here, but I always read. I'm sorry I'm a lurker!

As for Christopher...hey, casual sex has it's place. On your living room floor! (just kidding, you know what I meant!)

M said...

it's fummy how we "learn" things like this through "practice". Sometimes I wonder whether I am ever going to unlearn them.


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