Last night I tried digging through my archives for a good post to explain where I've come from since the breakup. I couldn't read the posts; they were too painful. I couldn't read how desperate and heartbroken I was. Going back though them, it seemed like a different person wrote those entries. It wasn't even my writing style.
Something has happened to me since Mark. I've never had a panic attack in my life until we broke up. Now at the sign of male adversity, my body becomes violently ill. Twice within the past week I've had a near panic attack and found myself hovering over the toilet at work. I don't know if this is my body in self-preservation mode in order to protect my heart or what. It concerns me though.
Through my craptastic health plan, I do get three free phone consultations with the crazy doctor. I'm seriously thinking about using one of them and seeing what the crazy doctor thinks about this. He'll probably want to put me into therapy for the next 10 years. I have mother issues, trust issues, and fear of abandonment issues, but I didn't think I was worse off than anybody else.
I did do one thing before I went to bed last night though. I logged onto the website and blocked his profile. If he ever does try to contact me, I'll never know it. Something had to be done. I found myself covering my eyes when scrolling through the page he was on so I wouldn't even see him.
They always come back. Every single boyfriend I've had has tried to get back together with me. I've heard it all. Fortunately for me, they never try to come back until I can't stand the sight of them.
10:13 AM
3 weeks ago
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4 comments:
The past is just that - in the past. Where you are now is a result of the road you've travelled up until now, you're the sum of your experiences both good and bad.
If anything you seem more confident and err, less desparate than you were once, which is great!
I have mother issues, trust issues, and fear of abandonment issues... I think we all have issues, but the key is to recognise them as being able to be dealt with and not letting them affect who we are as people - to fall backwards and be caught, to survive after being dumped.
Blocking his profile is a good move. It pushes him into the past so you can move confidently on into the future. *hugs*
Doesn't everyone have mother issues? ;) But I know what you mean about the past playing into the present - everyone handles trauma of some kind differently. Some things are hard to get over full stop and on the other hand some people find it easy to get over things that other people find hard.
If it affects your everyday life (ie; physical reaction) then maybe talking to the crazy doc isn't such a bad idea. If it doesn't work out you don't have to go back (and it would make a good blog entry. ha!)
I'm with Nick and Mez.
You have more strength than you may recognise.
Yep, we all have our issues. But the ability to overcome them is the only thing that seperates you from the desperate and crazy. I don't like the panic attack thing either. You have to get a handle on that and quick. *hugs for you*
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