~Monday, November 20, 2006

The Kissing Bandit can't kiss

The first time KB threw me up against the wall and kissed me, it was awkward. I just attributed the kiss to a combination of alcohol and nerves.

Later that night when he walked me to my truck and shoved his tongue down my throat, I thought he was just pushing for a connection since he was in competition with his friend for me.

The third time he kissed me, he grabbed the back of my head and pried my teeth apart with his tongue. Strike three and I was done making excuses for him: the Kissing Bandit can't kiss.

Not only can he not kiss, but he's so bad at it, the thought of kissing Kissing Bandit makes me cringe. I'm trying to think of an analogy of how bad he is. When he kisses me, it's like inserting a raw hot dog in my mouth. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?

My friends tell me that I should just work with him and teach him. I actually spent some time with Indiana discussing KB and he brings up an interesting point:

Sarah: First of all, I think a bad kisser is indicative of much worse. If you can't kiss by thirty, then you've got some problems.
Indiana: Really... it also might suggest that he is not a player.
Sarah: Obviously. But I was thinking more of sex-related problems. I think he hasn't taken the time to learn to please, or maybe he doesn't even want to.
Indiana: Ok... but does that make you shallow, or does it mean he is inexperienced.
Sarah: Shouldn't chemistry be natural, not taught?
Indiana: Chemistry is natural....skill in bed is not. Where does it say that you should be born great in the sack?
Sarah: It doesn't, but you should have learned how to put your tongue in someone's mouth within your first three decades of living.
Indiana: Why???? Where is that written?
Sarah: I dunno, but it should be written somewhere.
Do I really end things with someone because he can't kiss? Does that make me shallow? I agreed to go out with him again and I've been spending all week trying to figure out an excuse to get out of it. Only now the week is up and I haven't done anything about it and it's too late to cancel.


megan said...

maybe he doesn't know he's a bad kisser. i dated a guy before who was an awful kisser, and didn't even know it.

M said...

ultimately I agree with Indiana and the points he made.

But *more importantly* than any of those "theories" it's how you *feel* about him that is the real kicker - if it ain't there it ain't there. Why push something that repulses you?

I truly believe that if you really liked him you'd be willing to hang out for much much longer so you can 'teach' him and it wouldn't be such a big deal. But ...do you really like him? You haven't mentioned any other redeeming qualities that he has. It might be a bit shallow to break up with someone just because they can't kiss ;) - it's NOT shallow to break up with someone because you ultimately don't like them! If you feel like you're forcing yourself to go out with him it's wrong.

Sarah said...

Megan- Was he bad in other areas too? Did you even give him the chance to find out?

M- I think you've sorted through everything and found the main point- I'm just not attracted to him. That's what it boils down to. Crap, I hate having that talk...

Walter said...

You don't sound shallow, but like M I think you're feeling something, or feeling the lack of something in Senhor Bandito that's giving you the "Ok" sign to flush the toilet on seeing him again.

If the chemistry was there you wouldn't care he kissed poorly, since it'd be fun for you to correct, but it sounds like him having "two left lips" and a snake for a tongue is just the tip of the iceberg of other things that doesn't sit right with you.

Face it, it's not so much he can't kiss, there's other things there that you don't dig, so he ain't the one. Flush the toilet, wash your hands and move on.

Jen said...

I agree with Indiana. But I also agree with M and Walter.

If you truly liked the guy the bad kissing would not be an issue...

Sarah said...

Walter- Mmm, never heard the toilet analogy before. That makes KB the equivalent of poo. Hehe.

Jen- You know what? I'm standing with my statement. If you can't kiss by 30, then something is wrong with you.

Indiana said...

If you don't really like the guy why agree to another date? And I agree with the others here, that you need to tell him you are not interested.

general_boy said...

oooooooooooooh, tough one.

my beloved was pashed by one of my best buddies before I met her, and she described him as like "kissing a horse". Tick for me I guess... LOL.

I dunno... I always thought what went on with your mouth was indicative of other sensitivity or ability. If there's no chemistry there, then what's it like in the downstairs region??

So what am I trying to say? Ummm... I'm with ya... I think... ;)

Sarah said...

Indy- As soon as I figure out what I'm going to say, I will. (Everyone loves you more. Hmph!)

GB- FINALLY!! Exactly right? I mean if he doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to my mouth, what makes me think he's going to be any better a little south?!

Walter said...

Reasons some Men can't kiss by the age of 30:

1. They still live at home and their mom hasn't taught them.

2. They've been in a coma for 29 years.

3. They have localized Parkinsons Disease just in the lip and tongue area.

4. They've been punched too many times in the mouth, and have lost all sensitivity to give a proper kiss.

5. They actually prefer men, but haven't accepted the fact they're gay, so in reality they abhor kissing women.

Buttons said...

oh god no. sorry ta ta if they can't kiss. it's all in the kiss as Cher once said

Sarah said...

Walter- I think it's more of

He's a Dungeons & Dragons playing geek who only just quit LARPing.

I can't believe I just admitted that I went out with that.

Buttons- Thank you! Glad to know I'm not alone in my thinking!

Indiana said...

What's wrong with being a D&D geek?

Sarah said...

Indy- Role playing games like D&D are indicators of a preference to live in a fantasy world. By living in the fantasy world, they stop growing as people in the real world. They become socially awkward and don't interact as well in society. As a social butterfly, they aren't very compatible with me.

Anonymous said...

OMG. I feel your pain. I'm currently dating this great guy. He's funny, attractive, smart, and polite. Everything you'd want to bring home to mom, right? BUT he cannot kiss to save his life! And he's always trying to kiss me! Kissing is a big part of a relationship for me. I'm wondering if it's cowardly and shallow for me to not want to date him any more simply because of this. I feel that I should maybe teach him, but it feels ackward. Help?


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