~Tuesday, November 28, 2006

On Bulls and Blueprints

As I mentioned earlier, I spent my morning and most of my night last night reading this guy's blog. He's 28 and less than a week ago, his wife of 10 years died. Something happened and she was admitted into the hospital for flu symptoms. He never spoke to her again and she was dead within two weeks. They still don't know what made her sick.

It was hard reading his pleadings to a God he didn't believe in to keep his wife alive. Now that I'm through, I feel sad and hollow. What I read was not a movie. It was not fictional; it actually happened. There is a 28-year-old widower out there.

I decided after treating #7 and KB badly (and a few others that never made it on here) that I worked out my anger of Adam's and my relationship. How he treated me badly since the moment I first got naked with him. How he chose someone else over me. How he was one of three people I actually liked this year. How quickly I let someone walk all over me after vowing to stand up for myself. By treating them badly, I was striking back at what I felt were injustices.

For the past couple of months, I've been going through life like a bull in a china shop. A nick here. A dent there. Doing damage to myself and to other people. But AT's blog reminded me that, if nothing else, we should do our best to take care of each other, not to tear one another down.

I was going to start fresh with two new prospects from Esquire.com. However, both of them seem to have cut correspondence with me. It may just be an adjustment from the holidays. It may be that I finally warmed up and showed a peek of my true self to them and they simultaneously fled in terror. I'm disappointed I've ruined my chances to practice my new outlook by simply being myself.

Sometimes I wish there was a blueprint for my life. Just tell me what you want me to be and I'll be it.

My blog wouldn't nearly be as interesting though.


Buttons said...

being yourself is hard, but it's much nicer when you find someone who likes you just for you, rather than who you pretend to be around them

Walter said...

Don't sweat the Esquire.com folks, best to let them go. I agree with buttons, and when you find someone who likes you when you're yourself things just work out. If you try and be something someone else wants the facade eventually drops.

AT said...

I dunno, after reading your blog last night, I think I'm gonna live vicariously through you!!!
"If you try and be something someone else wants the facade eventually drops."
Totally. I'm no different than anybody else, and HELL NO I don't have any insight. Shoot no. I just write whats in my head.
This stuff is way more entertaining :)

Sarah said...

Buttons- I know, just sometimes I wish things were simpler.

Walter- But by that time I'll have already roped him into loving me and the thought of losing me would make him accept the real me.

Wow, even I didn't buy that :P

AT- Wow thanks! That means a lot coming from you.

Indiana said...

Be yourself, at least that way one of two things will happen:

1. You will meet the man of your dreams who will love the real you, or,

2. You will grow old and alone with a bitter twisted streak and too many cats and the neighborhood kids will dare each other to ring your bell...~LOL~

"To thine own self be true"

Anonymous said...

You would get tired of living a lie, too. You would get frustrated and want to shake the person you changed yourself for and scream, "can't you see ME?! Can't you see the Sarah that I'm hiding?!"

Then it would probably turn to disgust at their stupidity and you would end up alone anyway.

Better to be yourself and attract thoes that are truly interested in who and what you are. He IS out there - don't give up! You're courage in dating is giving the rest of us some guts and hope :).

M said...

I think that it's important that we take care of each other (as humans). IMO the reason why we're so fucked up is that we just don't give a shit about each other as humans..let alone people. We're so quick to judge and so quick to dismiss.

But if anyone escapes when you show them your true colours then is that really someone you want around anyway? I mean, let's face it you can only hide who you are for so long - in the end the true colours come out. They ALWAYS come out - and I'm sure your colours aren't crappy ones. How much of a freak can you really be?! ;) Not much I'm guessing - better though to let someone love you for the freak you are than for the one you're not. :D

It's sort of like I was musing about - can it really be love/like if they love/like the "not you" rather than the "you"?

Walter said...

But by that time I'll have already roped him into loving me

You've roped him into loving the facade, and when you try to slowly replace the facade with the real you that's when the drama begins, and you are right, he'll either love the real you, or leave, but generally the latter happens.

Sarah said...

Indy- With any luck I'll be blogging from the mental institution by then.

I bet I'd have a ton of readers. Hmm...

RMP- So either way I'm going to end up alone. Awesome. I guess I can start saving up for my kick in the mental institution then! :)

M- Better though to let someone love you for the freak you are than for the one you're not.

Wow, that's my quote for the day. I'm writing that down. Seriously.

My quote of the day last week was "Better to belong in a straitjacket over the things you've said versus the things you've done." There's another pearl of wisdom for ya :P

Walter- I was so kidding when I wrote that, but thanks for the advice. ;)

a giRL liKe mE said...

Blueprint for your life?

I'd like a map of where my life's headed, you know, just to help me out with a few key decisions now and then.

Buttons is right, though - be yourself. You'll find the right one eventually.

Jay said...

Do you ever prefer a journey, over the destination itself?

Sarah said...

A girl like me- I agree, just a little direction every now and then.

Jay- I tried to imply that, I guess I just didn't do it very well. It was a fleeting wish out of frustration. If I knew the destination, then life-- in addition to the blog-- would be very boring.


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