~Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Why I've been slow to post

The thoughts charged through my mind like a train roaring into a station. This is not right. This is too fast. This is Too. Fast. STOP! screamed inside me until I planted my palm on his chest and pushed him down.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "Omigod, you're shaking. Here." He moved over until I lied down in my own bed. He then hovered over me, his face about a foot from mine. I closed my eyes; I didn't want him to see me.

We were only making out, but it was too intense. It was too much. It was the kind of making out that leads to other things. I tried ignoring my head, but it was screaming at me and now I was shaking and gasping for breath.

I lifted my arm and crooked it over my face and sighed, "I just got all... panicky."

"I can see that. What's wrong?"

"It's just that when I sleep with people, I get attached. I know how I am. I mean, you're supposed to sleep with someone between 4 and 6 dates, but how do you sleep with someone based on that kind of time line?"

"I've never heard of that before."

"Ask anyone. If you have sex with someone before 3 dates, you're a slut, but if you wait until after 6, you're a prude. But I can't do it. I can't have sex with someone based solely on the number of dates. It's-"

"Shh, no one says you have to." His voice quietened, "Besides, what's wrong with attachment? I think it would be okay for you to get attached. I like you. I really like you."

I then gave him my George Carlin analogy. He says any time you purchase a dog, you are essentially purchasing a small tragedy. It's the same way with me and relationships. Every time I get in one, it always results in a small tragedy. Jack said the only way he knew how to deal with things is just to press on and deal with the consequences. That in the alternative, the means don't justify the end. That the alternative is so much worse. He said he couldn't promise to never hurt me, but it would never be his intentions. Nothing was wrong with getting attached to him.

He began to kiss me again. It was different with him, even in comparison with Adam. Jack had actually verbalized his feelings towards me. With him, I wasn't worried about who else he was seeing. He was my open book. We had both thought that talking things out would calm me, but it didn't. This time it happened faster and was more intense. This time it was a panic attack.

"What happened that made you this way?" he whispered after I calmed down again.

I felt like I owed him an explanation: something was wrong with me-- physically wrong-- and I couldn't just leave him there to wonder. In reality, it's probably a combination of all the men in my past: the alcoholic, Conor and his head games, the poet who thought if he couldn't love me, he couldn't love at all, and Mark. I chose instead to just tell him about Mark. I haven't told any boy about Mark, but I owed Jack this. I told him what I gave up and what I lost. I told him about what's-her-face.

This time, he was a little more concerned. He said he didn't want to distress me by touching me and he didn't want me to associate distress with him. He was worried about everything being a battle. I'm fine outside of the bedroom, but when it comes to being intimate, I'm slow to trust. This time he said he may not try to make a move for awhile and for me not to be hurt about it. I understood.

"Once I get over it and trust, it will be a non-issue. I just need time," I told him. This relieved him. He then wondered about about moving too fast by calling me everyday. It was abnormal for me, but I don't want him to disappear because he feels he has to. I don't want him to change.

I just don't want to be punished for being so scared.


Vince said...

You are on the right path... openness can heal where time can't.

Sask Mom said...

He sounds like such a sweetie. Hopefully he stays like that. Good for you for taking a chance!

I've been reading you for a while and I really like what you write.

James said...

If he's a good 'un, he'll wait for you. All sounds good though :-)

Two Drink Girl said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean. Exactly.

Cath said...

Time is a bitch. You just have to wait it out and trust in yourself. All too often in the past I have ignored things that I felt were right or wrong - but never deny your sixth sense. Keep up the good work!

Scorpy said...

Thanks for sharing Sarah. Did you ever stop to consider that you may have turned the corner? You have admitted to yourself and now someone else that you are now making the rules. You have established a line in the sand and now Jack and others will have to deal with that. If they can't then let them go. If they can see beyond the physical and really care for you then they will wait until YOU are ready....but you must be ready...don't ever feel that they deserve some type of recompense for waiting...Only share yourself when you are ready. I really felt for you in this post...it was brave :)

dont eat token said...

It all feels like what I've been through and what it felt like with Jukebox in the beginning.

In that respect, I think what you and Jack are talking about and moving toward is healthy and good!

Anonymous said...

I am proud of you for talking to him openly about it. Part of building that trust is talking openly! Like the rest said if he's a good one he'll wait.

M said...

I think it's really good you talked about it and it's good that he was understanding about it.

I also really believe that all that 'wait for this many dates before you sleep with him' is UTTER BOLLOCKS!!!! Truly, go with what you feel - if you feel weird then don't sleep with anyone just to fulfill some strange date quotient. Also a guy who 'expects' it by a certain date and then gets angry when he doesn't get it would probably be the kind of guy universally known as a dickhead.

general_boy said...

Oooooooh Sarah, this is another gutsy post that lays your soul bare... I sorta need to take a deep breath and think about it some more.

This is progress. Maybe even a turning point. Thanks so much for your honesty... and being brave. :)

pinkjellybaby said...

he sounds nice and he sounds willing to try and work things through with you, just try not to push him away, i know it's hard but you have to be willing to make that drop sometimes.
he might just be calling you a lot to try and show that he can be trusted... :)

good luck with it though

Phil said...

I like this guy. He's got promise.

I once slept with a girl on a second date but it was four years after the first date. What does that make me?

Sarah said...

Vince- I'm so surprised you think I'm on the right path. These panic attacks are not a good thing.

Sask Mom- Thank you so much!

James- I haven't seen him since, but he's still around :)

Two Drink Girl- Oh thank god, I was beginning to think I was sipping from the crazy juice.

Cath- I've done that too, and it never ended well.

Scorpy- I really though I was going to hear, "Get thee to therapy!" I'm relieved to know things aren't as bad as I may believe.

Don't Eat Token- I like it when you say that, because Jukebox sounds absolutely wonderful :)

Angel Girl- I refused to look at him while I told him and he only got the bare bones version, but I'm glad you think it was a good step and not sharing too quickly.

M- I know! It's like, "Wow we've had four dinners... time for sex!" It makes no sense to me. You can still not know so much about someone in that span of time.

General Boy- A turning point!? So I may not be completely damaged?! Woot!

Pinky Baby- Agh! You know! I say things like, "I don't cry" and "I don't get emotional," and he stops and asks, "But you will eventually, right?"

He still calls every day. This weekend should be interesting.

Phil- LOL! It makes you the worst slut ever. :)

Walter said...

You're expressing and revealing yourself, and Jack is listening, really listening and wanting to help. Things can only get better.

Vince said...

M: And vice-versa. Why wait for the third date if both participants feel they're ready on the first.

Sarah: There is a difference between easy and right. Once you find someone you think you can trust, someone you can truly share yourself with, you need to risk sharing your greatest fear(s). Then, once you see that they aren't running away, you have a small confirmation in hand of self, and already that greatest fear should have less hold on you. The solution won't come from someone else per se, but from what you let yourself expose to them.

Anonymous said...

I guess one good thing about being a guy is usually it's pretty easy to feign stupidity/obliviousness to any unwanted female attention. The bad thing of course is the genuine stupidity and obliviousness that leads to lost opportunities with more interesting women....

Sarah said...

Walter- I hope so.

Vince- Oh that can go so very badly. You could reveal yourself and they could run...

Mister Underhill- Well, I guess I'm glad we talked things out then.

Anonymous said...

I feel like a fucktard. That comment was meant for post before this one! Not sure how it ended up here.

Sarah said...

Oh thank god, that comment makes so much more sense now!

BeaBea said...

"I just don't want to be punished for being so scared."

You have verbalised something I have felt more than once.


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