Idiocy

Poor Sarah!! A really cute and really awesome boy wants her to be his girrrrrl friend!! What a stinker!

--Harvey

I was not getting a lot of sympathy from my friends.

The next morning I sent around e-mails and phone calls to those I trusted. They all came back with very much the same opinion:

Coworker Mike: So what's the problem?
Sarah: He wants to be exclusive.
Mike: Yeah, so what's the problem?
Sarah: I've only known him like a week and a half.
Mike: Is he nice to you?
Sarah: Yeah.
Mike: So what is it then, does he smell bad?
Sarah: He smells like Old Spice. Mmm.
Mike: Sarah, listen to me. Since I've known you, you've wanted one thing: a boyfriend. Now here it is and you don't want it. This is you screwing things up. He wants to be with you and you are pushing him away. When this goes sour and you're standing in my cubicle and complaining, I'm going to let you know that you had your chance.
Sarah: (muttering) Okay.

I was accused of sabotaging the relationship across the board. I think I was even called an idiot on more than one occasion. My friends watched how I suffered with Jack and they adored Scott for his confidence and easy affection. Everyone who has seen us together has made the exact same remark: With the way he looks at me, he obviously really likes me.

And I like him too. He's five kinds of adorable. He takes charge of our relationship, but not in an overbearing way. He uses my name when he talks to me. He loves his family and, just as importantly, he loves my dog.

But he talks about the girls of his past, and there's a lot of them. I don't jump into things. Ever. I'm such a careful decision maker that I haven't had a proper boyfriend since I began this blog.

In 2005.

I'm worried that I'm not special. That he's like this with all the girls. Maybe he's one of those who gets really excited in the beginning and then fizzles just as quickly. And what would happen if I allowed myself to get caught up in that? I would fall and I would get hurt AND feel like a chump for believing him.

On the other hand, he is five years older than me, leaving more room to have exes. And maybe I don't have as many boyfriends, but I date. A lot. I had Christopher, Adam, and Jack within the last year and all of those had spanned over several months, punctuated by at least 20 other men. But having a committed relationship means so much to me that I won't enter one until I feel safe. I want to know that it has the same importance to him.

And I don't know how he feels because we never talked about this.

I know that I'm commitment phobic. The idea of having a boyfriend makes my chest tighten and my stomach nauseated. I feel trapped and accountable and knowingly headed towards disaster. The last relationship I was in was so horrible that I swore I would never put myself through that again and here I am foolishly thinking, Maybe this time will be different.

My friends are right, I am an idiot.