~Thursday, June 28, 2007

Idiocy

Poor Sarah!! A really cute and really awesome boy wants her to be his girrrrrl friend!! What a stinker!
--Harvey
I was not getting a lot of sympathy from my friends.

The next morning I sent around e-mails and phone calls to those I trusted. They all came back with very much the same opinion:
Coworker Mike: So what's the problem?
Sarah: He wants to be exclusive.
Mike: Yeah, so what's the problem?
Sarah: I've only known him like a week and a half.
Mike: Is he nice to you?
Sarah: Yeah.
Mike: So what is it then, does he smell bad?
Sarah: He smells like Old Spice. Mmm.
Mike: Sarah, listen to me. Since I've known you, you've wanted one thing: a boyfriend. Now here it is and you don't want it. This is you screwing things up. He wants to be with you and you are pushing him away. When this goes sour and you're standing in my cubicle and complaining, I'm going to let you know that you had your chance.
Sarah: (muttering) Okay.

I was accused of sabotaging the relationship across the board. I think I was even called an idiot on more than one occasion. My friends watched how I suffered with Jack and they adored Scott for his confidence and easy affection. Everyone who has seen us together has made the exact same remark: With the way he looks at me, he obviously really likes me.

And I like him too. He's five kinds of adorable. He takes charge of our relationship, but not in an overbearing way. He uses my name when he talks to me. He loves his family and, just as importantly, he loves my dog.

But he talks about the girls of his past, and there's a lot of them. I don't jump into things. Ever. I'm such a careful decision maker that I haven't had a proper boyfriend since I began this blog.

In 2005.

I'm worried that I'm not special. That he's like this with all the girls. Maybe he's one of those who gets really excited in the beginning and then fizzles just as quickly. And what would happen if I allowed myself to get caught up in that? I would fall and I would get hurt AND feel like a chump for believing him.

On the other hand, he is five years older than me, leaving more room to have exes. And maybe I don't have as many boyfriends, but I date. A lot. I had Christopher, Adam, and Jack within the last year and all of those had spanned over several months, punctuated by at least 20 other men. But having a committed relationship means so much to me that I won't enter one until I feel safe. I want to know that it has the same importance to him.

And I don't know how he feels because we never talked about this.

I know that I'm commitment phobic. The idea of having a boyfriend makes my chest tighten and my stomach nauseated. I feel trapped and accountable and knowingly headed towards disaster. The last relationship I was in was so horrible that I swore I would never put myself through that again and here I am foolishly thinking, Maybe this time will be different.

My friends are right, I am an idiot.

11 comments:

*kb* said...

Old Spice? ACK!!!!!!!! I feel your fear!!! I too have committment issues and all the ones I want, well, they don't want me. WOOHOO!! Maybe try not to think so much and just enjoy it and as they say, "let the chips fall where they may" or something like that! ;)

Anonymous said...

Maybe... time to talk to someone professional about this? I know the therapist your Mom picked was a wash, but that was almost a given. Wouldn't it help to have some real perspective here?

M-Joy said...

I think you're equating exclusive relationship with forever. It's not. It's not marriage, it's not a car loan. You're not obligated to STICK even if it turns out sucky. You're just agreeing that you like a person enough that now you'd like to concentrate your efforts on that ONE person rather than on more than one.

I know relationships have a lot of weight for you, and since you and I are so similiar in our OCD and fears I'll tell you what I'd tell myself.

Lighten up...what's the worst that can happen? Will the world stop spinning if this turns out to be a mistake? Didn't think so....

Besides if he turns out to be a dud, we're here now to make sure you don't do the same as you did in the past.

Me said...

How many times do I have to tell you this?

JUMP!

DO!

Do not overthink everything.

Sigh.

Read between the lines of my "date two women at one time" experience. It lasted a long time because we all stayed at the honeymoon-get-to-know-you-don't-ask-too-much level for the majority of the time. The reason it ended? R: No chance of going to the next level. L: No progress.

Repeat after me:

I cannot predict the future. The farther in the future I predict the more unlikely I will be right. There is only NOW. I will do what makes me happy NOW.

JUMP.

LIVE.

DO.

Don't worry, just be, happy.

Brooklyn said...

I feel like I'm reading insight into my own head...I freak out when boys like me for the same "what if he just really wants a girlfriend and I happen to be hanging around" reason.

If you're really feeling scared, tell him you just want to take things a little slower. If he's as cool as he sounds, he'll understand. Just make sure you recognize how great of a guy he is, and how few and far between those are.

Drama Queen said...

Didn't mean to scare you in your last post, my comment was a copy and paste job of what I got in the quiz. I should be the scared one!

Anyway relationships makes your chest tighten but they make the butterflies in your stomach flutter too. They make your brain sore but they make your heart sing. And isn't the fear of being alone so much worse than the fear of taking a chance?

Just close your eyes, take a deep breath and do it already.

SuvvyGirl said...

Don't make it more complicated than it has to be. Yes there is always the risk of getting hurt, even if you have a marriage license, wedding ring etc. but even if you do get hurt there are good times that will be had and even fondly remembered after the hurt goes away. I have always hated getting hurt in relationships but after the initial sting goes away I decide I wouldn't have changed my experiences. Usually the only thing I think I would change is how I had treated them. Life becomes way too stressful when thinking of the "what if's" all of the time.

P.S. Talk to him about it all, thne you will know how he feels and there's no more guessing.

Cath said...

Take a holiday from your own brain and just enjoy it. Day by day. Of course, this is easy advice to give, and not necessarily follow.

For those of us interminably single. Enjoy it.

Karen said...

Close your eyes and try just going with the flow, the feelings. When you're with him, do you feel that you can trust him with your heart? (sooo corny). I'm a big believer that your initial reaction to a person is a huge insight to that guy and the relationship.

Agreeing with Suvvygirl (again! lol), talk to Scott and let him know that you're nervous about his other girls. I think thats a fair concern to bring up and it could just be traced back to his age/dating experiences. Either way, he sounds like a goodie and enjoy jumping in!

sealharvey said...

Go with your instincts.
Try not second guessing yourself.
The truth is that love is the rarest
feeling on the planet; so take your
time. Try to have fun in the meantime.
BELIEVE ME WHEN YOUR IN LOVE THERE WILL BE NO HOLDING YOU BACK.

Sarah said...

*kb*- Really? I love the Old Spice!

Anony- Oh, my blog doesn't count? I would if I could afford it, but I really can't.

M-Joy- Gah! What's the worst that could happen??? Depression! An even lower self-esteem!

Me- This sounds very familiar :) But I do think that this time may be different...

Brooklym- Thank god! I always like knowing I'm not drinking the crazy juice.

Drama Queen- I never thought about the fear of being alone. I guess I just assumed I would be.

Suvvy- That's very true. Now I'm terrified :P

Cath- A vacay from my brain. Seriously. I need one.

Karen- My heart and my brain bicker so much, but my gut says he's a goodie.

Sealharvey- Really think love is the rarest feeling? Hmm.

 

© 2005 - 2013 He Loves Me Not
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - Noncommercial - Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

template by suckmylolly.com