It was time

Don't be afraid to say those words you long to hear yourself
I might feel the same, but I'm not quite as bold
--Soul Miner's Daughter, "3 Stones"

"What are you thinking?"

Scott's been asking me that a lot lately. Every time he asks it, the answer is invariably I love you and I think he knew it. Since the beer-can love declaration, Scott has worked it in several more times. He was speaking in a deep monster voice that creeped me out and he told me in the monster voice that he loved me. Once again, I just laughed harder. And then when we were in bed together, he stopped and said, "This is me making love to you. I'm making love to you." That was the closest I came to telling him, but I just didn't want the first time to be during sex. Instead I did something that I never ever do--I looked at him in the eyes.

A guy asked me once why I never look at him while we had sex. I gave my flippant response, "I never look in the eyes, that's how you go falling in love." It was time to look at Scott in the eyes.

Scott nudged me again, "What are you thinking?" I had woken up from a nap on the couch and he climbed on top of me to tell me about a phone call with his best friend. I turned my head away from Scott and stared at the back of the couch.

"Nothing."

"Come on, tell me."

I broke eye-contact with the couch and glanced at Scott. His face was full of hopeful earnest. I looked away from his face and bore a hole in his shoulder. I opened my mouth to say I love you, but no sound came out; I only mouthed them.

"Don't be scared. Tell me." I don't know if he saw me form the words. I don't know if he knew it was what I wanted to say.

I looked at his face again and tried to hold it as long as I could, "I love you." It was still very breathy and half-choked.

Scott's entire face lit up. I've never seen him look so happy. "Ah!" he inhaled.

It was all I could stand. I turned my face away from him and buried it against the back of the couch and began to cry; it was such a release to finally tell him that I couldn't hold anything back anymore. Scott began to laugh and cuddled me in his arms while I sobbed. He smooshed his face against my tears, "Aw baby, I love you too. I love you." I barely heard him over my crying. He continued to laugh, "It's okay, people fall in love all the time."

After a few more moments I stopped crying to look at him again. He gazed back intently and caressed my face. "Did you know?" I asked meekly.

"I knew."

"It's why I've been so quiet all weekend. If I opened my mouth, the words were going to come tumbling out, so I just couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't say anything at all."

"I know," he whispered.

"Well I'm glad you knew even if I couldn't tell you."

"Did you know?"

"I knew," I smiled. "Why didn't you just come out and say it?"

"Past experience. I told myself I couldn't be the first one to say it again. Because last time--" It was Scott's turn as he dug his face in my shoulder and let out a few quick tears.

Red-faced, he leaned back and smiled at me. I reached up and stroked his cheek, "I love you," but once again I couldn't force the sound.

He mimicked me, just mouthing the words to me as well.