~Thursday, October 04, 2007

Denial left him all alone

...My heart is pure
I have learned to forget I have suffered these fools
--Paul Brill, "Paris Is On"

I don't know why I still do it. Maybe it's because Jack is my only ex who has one--it's one of the reasons I liked him--and the curiosity to take a peek is too great. Today, I checked Jack's blog.

My exes check my public blog. Jack checked mine about a month after I met Scott and I got all warm and fuzzy as I watched on my stat counter how he saw the final post I wrote about him and then poured over Scott's entries. It was the feeling of victory I never got from that relationship. /END JUSTIFICATION SPIEL

Anyway, you can tell it's a MySpace blog:

Yes, we all mean it! Holy crap, how many people have to call you an uncaring jerk before you think, Hey if a lot of people are saying it, maybe there's some validity to it?

And that was the exact line where my head fell to my desk and my body shook from laughing uncontrollably. I was reading the reasons he's a "uncaring selfish asshole" nodding in agreement and eyes widening, thinking perhaps he'll get it right for the next lucky lady. Then he quickly concludes with "Of course I have to throw this possibility out." Of course. He wouldn't be Jack if he wasn't in deep denial.

He excuses why it's impossible for him to be a jerk (some existential reasoning: "What would be the point of... me?") and then launches into a completely forgettable and far-reaching second possibility. I didn't laugh again until I saw the third possibility:

I'll let you decide which possibility he's choosing to believe. I feel kind of sorry for him. Instead of looking introspectively, he's decided to cut ties with all his friends. I really think he has the potential for greatness if he could only learn to stop putting himself first 100 percent of the time.

Regardless, I think ending things with him was a great decision. Not only did it clear the way for me to meet Scott, but it also distanced me from from this. All of this. I was in such a bad place at the end of that relationship, self-esteem-wise. And with that distance, I've learned to love myself again. Being able to love someone else is just a bonus.


Amber said...

Sarah, you are such an awesome person. I loved reading this entry. It wasn't so much what you said about Jack, but what you said about YOURSELF.

Loving yourself.

Now that is truly something to be proud of.

Katie said...

The urge to peek at the ex is so frustrating sometimes. But sometimes (like now, for you) it pays off.

M said...

ha, for someone who is confused about being labeled in ways that apparently don't describe him properly - he's amazingly clear and concise when outlining them on his blog. You can't have that much self reflection unless you know exactly what other people see. And if you know that people see you as jerk or in considerate or a bastard or whatever it is - and you decide NOT TO CHANGE - then it makes you those things ten fold!

Drama Queen said...

Hey girl

Try not to let an ex's thoughts bother you so much. You are on to much bigger and better things, while he is still writing egotistical crap in his myspace page about destiny and his [not so] big place in the world.



Blue Soup said...

Jack is a tosspot. That's all that needs to be said really :)

Peach said...

ah go on, give us the myspace url, I wanna flame him!

AmyD said...

How you didn't send him an email or leave a comment in response to this, I have no idea. Such retraint! ;o)

It's sad when people actually don't SEE how they are. I never worry too much, because we all learn in the end. Still, it's painful watching it unfold only to see it roll back up with an astounding *SNAP!* when they finally decide to refuse any responsibility for their actions.

Ah well, you're onto bigger and more beautiful beginnings now.

Hit the road, Jack...

treacle said...

I'm with Amber on this one Sarah. The best thing about the whole entry is you recognising that you love yourself. Girl power at its best. *hugs*

Trinity2 said...

Yeah, I agree with drama - you are so beyond that! I know exactly how you feel, though. He sounds uncannily like my ex that I decided to leave because she was a jerk like that.
I applaud you for moving on from him!

dont eat the token said...

Growth just happened! I'm very very happy for you that you are starting to see your pretty talented self the way the rest of the sensitive world does.


I hope you can stop reading his blog. I've found that caring about the ex enough to keep up with him just delays letting him go - the questioning or the reasoning or the justification-ing.

Anonymous said...

"Being able to love someone else is just a bonus"... I loved this line... so true my friend.

I'm glad leaving that one led to your life with Scott... it's difficult to step out into the unknown but sometimes it's the best thing to do... as you already know. ;)

general_boy said...

Well, I guess he got there in the end LOL.

And look at YOU now, compared to HIM now.

We all knew you were right!! ;)

londongirl said...

Jack = arsehole.

And fortunately you seem to be very cool about it.

Trish Ryan said...

Yes, it seems like breaking up with him was a good idea--yikes! I mean, what woman wants to date a man who not only thinks like that, but writes about it in public forums? I'm not sure I dig the idea of men working out their emotional baggage for all the world to see. I'm not sure why it's okay for women and not for men, but this glimpse of his blog makes it really clear...

Congrats on getting away :)

Venting said...

Looks like a lucky escape to me.

Will said...

~~OK. So, I haven't been here in a long time.

I think you were in a similar place the last time I was reading here...

..in any event, experience is the best teacher.

Sarah, you'll find the right one.

(Of course, you MUST love yourself..and, look deeply into your own role.)

[This person sounds like a real jerk.]

Keep your head held high.

smile, and move on.


Tilly said...

Uhh, hello?


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