~Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Big Deal

So... I still haven't told my parents that Scott moved in. He was giving me until Christmas to tell them (or else? He'll tell them himself?) and I sort of figured I would say something like, "Scott and I are talking about him moving in in the new year," and feel it out from there. There's no real plan.

Scott is one of the many people who wants to know what the big deal is. The big deal is I'm the youngest of my family. In my mother's side of the family (one might want to read the beginning of my 100 Things to get an idea about my family), this is unchartered territory. I am the first person on this side of the family to ever live with someone out of wedlock. I don't even have an eccentric aunt to back me up in this. My brother married right out of college and continues to do no wrong, and then there's me. I don't even feel the need to elaborate on that statement: and then there's me. On the flip side, my mother is so desperate for me to settle down that she might be okay with this. Might. I sort of feel like I'm poking a sleeping bear with that one.

Then there's my father's side of the family. They actually went through this once before with my step-sister. Her story is pretty much the same as mine: he moved in at four months and they hid it for about six months. And when my step-mother and father found out, they didn't speak to her for about a year. When they did finally speak to her, every conversation contained some cow and milk reference.

The end story for my sister is that they married and have two kids together. A couple of months ago, I sat on her couch and visited her new baby while I prodded for the details about her living situation that I couldn't remember. She was a full proponent of Scott moving in even when she had yet to meet him and I was still unsure if he should come over or not.

When Scott and I drove out to my father's house for dinner, we were surprised to see my sister just leaving with her family. I squeezed her hand, "Scott moved in," I mumbled.

"Don't tell your father," she mumbled back. "I asked that since you had a bigger apartment if Scott was going to move in, and he got really angry and said, 'He better not!'" She poked the bear and the bear growled.

So that's the big deal.

Technically, I have six more weeks to figure out what to do. But then I realized that next week is Thanksgiving. My mother is driving to pick up my only remaining grandmother and bringing her back here, and my grandmother has been talking non-stop how she wants to see my new apartment. Scott doesn't have a lot of stuff and I could probably fake it for her, but I could never get it past my mother. I have a week to tell my mother, and then it's just a matter of time before my father finds out.

Now where's the Tylenol?


lowly peasant errand girl said...

Sounds like my family if I were to move in with a guy. My cousin lives with her bf, but everyone else talks about them. Granted, my mom & grandma worked for the catholic church.. so I understand a bit where they are coming from. But still.. I'd get the whole 'cow and milk' reference too.

My friend is going through a similar thing, but she hasn't moved in with him yet. They're moving to NC, and he doesn't want to get married until they live together, and her family is completely against living with someone before you get married, so she's in a similar spot. I don't know if she'll tell them when she moves down there or just do it.

Anyways - I can completely understand the unpleasantness of having to tell your parents in a week. I'd be going crazy!

SuvvyGirl said...

Your parents will either deal with it or be pissed off about it for a long time. And if they choose the latter you can choose to limit your contact with them until they grow up. Yes they may be your parents but you do not have to feel ashamed of you and Scott. My husband and I moved in togther about 3 months after we met, lived together for 2 more years then got married. In most of society these days it's considered a more responsible thing to do is live with someone instead of just diving right on in to marriage.

I do however think the sooner you tell them the better. You quit worrying about it so much and it may not hurt their feelings as much compared to if you'd wait another month.

But whatever their reactions are know you have Scott to count on and that the two of you being happy is what really matters.

Anonymous said...

Wow. This sounds like one of THE toughest decisions to make...

I hope somehow, you'll know just what to do!

J said...

A difficult situation to be in. I figure you should just be honest. They will deal with it. I know, easier said than done.

My parents are really cool about this sort of thing. I have never lived with my significant other...but I know that they would be cool with it.

La Femme said...


kristin b said...

i would tell your mom now and then she can help you feel out your dad.

i empathize with you.. i don't know how that would go with my family. my cousin in connecticut lived with her beau before marriage but she was so far away, nobody got it rubbed in their face because we didn't go see her there until her wedding weekend. but being close in proximity to your folks, it'd be hard. but you know what, if that's enough for them to cut off communication with you, that's just something that you're going to have to recognize as having 100% nothing to do with you and the rest, maybe, to do with hypocrisy.

ahh.. to be a girl in the south.

Paige Jennifer said...

I've always joked with my sister that one day I'm going to bring a birka clad muslim woman to the passover seder and introduce her as my lover. I figured it would shut 'em all up. Maybe you should borrow my idea?

KennethSF said...

I know a graphic designer who would routinely present a horrible version of his idea to a client before he presents what he really has in mind. His reasoning: if you know you're dealing with a difficult client, give them something to criticize before you present your concept.

So here's what I'd recommend. Take Paige's suggestion from above. Introduce a burkha-clad figure as your live-in lover first. After your astonished family members have voiced their objections, you concede that their concerns are justifiable, pretend to break up with your lover, and announce that you're going to have your old boyfriend--the boy-next-door Scott--move in.

Sarah said...

When I was in college I told my mom I dropped out of school and was carrying the baby of Rick--my satan-worshiping boyfriend. "Just kidding!" I said, "I failed Italian."

It worked once! Anybody got a birka?

kristin b said...

that is funny! i've wanted to try the pregnant trick on my dad and then tell him i'd gotten a speeding ticket or needed money. i always forget around the time that comes around, though.

Indiana said...

The sooner you tell them, the more time they have to deal with it.

You let him move in, you must see a future with him, they need to accept that. So tell them and just deal with the angst and anger...better now than in 6 weeks.

treacle said...

Scott will support you through it no matter what happens. remember that when you come to tell them. x

Drama Queen said...

I totally get this. BF has strict IRISH CATHOLIC parents and I was the one bringing the son to the dark-side. We managed the whole thing like a project, lots of talk about his ‘friend DQ’ (AFTER we had gone out for a year already). Then I was living with him for a month (after moving countries to be with him) before he sussed his parents out by saying I might ‘think’ of moving over. Then from that subtle references were dropped in about ‘our apartment’. All the way his mum told us to not tell his dad. Then when they came to visit they could not miss the ONE BEDROOM in our apartment. . .yet we all choose to not acknowledge it and had a wonderful time. Ignorance really is bliss.

T.J. said...

Well, damn. This is a tough one. As a person who has lived with 2 people out of wedlock...it's never easy to tell the parents. But I agree with the rest of the crew. Tell them now. Tell them now and get it over with. That way they have more time to deal with it.

Anonymous said...

I still can't get over that your parents are clueless.

OK my suggestion to keep putting it off. Don't have your mom bring your gram over...you bring her to your place after dinner for some "one on one time with gram, just the two of you" or something ridiculous like that. That keeps mom out of the place.

OR grease the wheels with a story at dinner or earlier still. Something like so Scott's place is being re-plastered/has water damage/neighbors had a fire/broke a window during the storm (you get the idea) and we've put some of his things in my place for the next few weeks until his place is repaired. He's had to sleep on the couch at my place quite a few nights and due to the lack of security at his place we didn't want to leave his stuff there.

OR something to that effect. I think it could work, plus it's a sympathy vote for Scott. LOL!!

londongirl said...

I agree with suvvygirl - this is the 21st Century. Lots of people live together and it doesn't mean to say they'll never get married.

Granted, they'll probably be a bit shocked, but hopefully they'll realise how happy he makes you and that should be everything a parent wants for their child, no?

M said...

I think they're just going to have to get over it. So they crack it for a little while but they'll get over it. Your step sister has already warmed them up with her escapades so perhaps they'll be much easier on you.

Sabrina said...

I'm a big fan of the "rip it off like a band aid" theory. But I'd drink a lot beforehand, too.

Jessica said...

I'm a fan of tell them and let them deal with it, but only you know your parents and judging from your comments about your step-sister that might not be the best approach for you.

Does Scott know about your step-sister, would it make him back off on making you tell them?

Venting said...

Is it because your family is religious?

I never got any bad talk for moving in with boyfriends from any of my parents (I have lots).

I don't have much advice, I'm afraid. I think I would just tell them and shrug my shoulders if they said anything negative. Maybe mumble something about it being 2007, not 1957.

But that's me. (Maybe that's my mom calls me an ungrateful daughter.)

general_boy said...

Wow, this is really so hard for me to imagine... perhaps I have grown up and live in an overly permissive, liberal society...

My sister in law took off at 16, had 2 kids and moved in with her fella by 18, finally got married at 22. This is *not* an unusual scenario here... and by the time she was 20 no-one in the family were worried. This might sound like a "white trash" scenario, except for the fact they now own 3 investment properties and she's a personal trainer...

I "lived in sin" for years before I settled down... and so did most of my freinds. They bought houses, had kids... all that stuff... just didn't rush out and get married.

Still... none of my family are overly religious, but even then, there are kids here from Pentacostal Groups "living in sin".

It's a very different space for me to get my head around, and I gotta admit... I'm struggling.

I can't imagine how difficult it is for you... I just hope it all works out OK. :)

dont eat the token said...

that sucks, sorry! godspeed.

over here everyone EVERYONE just assumes jukebox lives with me. and i'm not ready for that yet.


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