~Monday, June 01, 2009

(Un)comitted

I may have given up everything and moved home with my mother, but Scott continues to haunt me. He called me with threats of suicide, which I ignored. Then he called his father with the same idle threat. When that didn't work, he told me he called 9-1-1 and was taken to the emergency room for a severe anxiety attack and he was diagnosed with a heart murmur. They told him he took such poor care of himself that he has the body of a 40-year old. I'm not sure how much of this is true. I've kept in touch with his father since I left and I'm only beginning to find out that Scott's lied about everything to me. Even insignificant things like living with his ex when he didn't or why he dropped out of high school.

He lost his job shortly after I left. They declared him "mentally unfit" to work. When they found about his violence against me, they told him he had to undergo counseling to keep his job, which he didn't. Then he told his work all the tales he told me, like being resuscitated back to life after his heart stopped from the anxiety attack. And in one final act, he showed up to work stinking of alcohol. Scott drank so much that it came out of his pores and after I left, he had no reason to play around with pretenses anymore. The night he got fired, his scooter was stolen. And he never put the power bill in his name, so one lonely Friday night Scott sat around in an apartment devoid of furniture and lights with no place to go and no mode of transportation to take him there. And I feel bad about it. I do. It's not the life I wanted for him. And I certainly feel like the catalyst that made so many things go wrong so very quickly.

I've tried to balance his distinct ability to make a bad situation worse while dealing with my own inadequacy issues, starting a new job, and starting life over at 28. But it's wearing on me because Scott's bad-situation-gone-worse is now even worse.

His father and I knew that Scott had to be on his own to make any meaningful changes, but his mother coddles her son and told Scott that he could move in with her instead of looking for a new job in the city near his apartment (and oodles of public transportation versus the boonies where she lives). Everyone knew it was a bad idea for him to move in with her, but no one could convince his mom otherwise. I predicted it would last two weeks before Scott would be busted drinking in her home, but Scott nailed it in three days flat:

The story I heard is that Scott walked to the store, bought and consumed an entire box of sleeping pills and then went to a bar and drank while his mother was at work. That night Scott started hallucinating--

This is harder to write than I thought. I am very much feeling my own pain disclosing this to the world. Why the horrific acts done to me were easier to write than this story, I don't know. Maybe it's me not being there and having to imagine it. Or the things he does to himself are equally horrific. Or that I can't make it better like I tried so hard to do in the past. I still care about him; I didn't want this for him. When he called me the morning all of this transpired, I didn't answer nor did I call him back, and now I desperately want to know what he had to say to me. Whether it would have made a difference or not. Whether I could have prevented this.

He started hallucinating. Seeing people. The boy had a drug-induced psychotic break. He spent the beginning of the week suffering from foaming-of-the-mouth seizures and DT tremors from sudden alcohol withdrawal and now that he had it back in his system, his mind couldn't handle it. He spent the entire night pacing the hallways of his mother's house and screaming because he thought furniture was falling on him. He broke into his mother's bedroom and started yelling at her about the party going on downstairs hosted by demons.

His parents went to work on Thursday. When his step-father came home from work Thursday night, he found Scott sitting on the floor in front of the love seat, slicing the length of his arms with the parts of the watch I bought him for Christmas. He told his step-father Ezekiel told him he had five minutes to kill himself and he took the watch apart to do it. He was rushed to the emergency room and he's been committed in mental hospital ever since.

They say he's suffered brain damage. They aren't surprised he's attacked me nor are they surprised to learn he's not able to control his bowel movements. They said he's a severe alcoholic and a very skilled manipulator. Apparently Scott admitted that he has an alcohol and drug problem. Drug. That's news to me.

I'm sitting here wondering exactly how stupid I am to be living with someone on drugs and not even know it. Some hours I oscillate to "naive" instead of "stupid" depending on how forgiving of myself I am, but right now it's stupid. I am stupid. How in the world did I get into this mess? Somehow somewhere along the way I wanted to protect myself and I didn't fight with Scott about a situation and I transitioned into an enabler without even realizing it. My god, even when I was unemployed and Scott was working, he still borrowed money from me. He said my unemployment was so hard on him, but unlike both of his unemployment stints, I had unemployment insurance and a sizable savings account to carry my own weight for the rest of 2009 if needed be. All Scott had to do was pay his own bills on time; never once did he have to do anything but emotionally support me. And he didn't. Part of me feels bitter about it because I did everything for him in that exact situation and I don't feel like I got a return on my investment. He couldn't even be there when I had my surgery.

But none of that is important now because he's in a mental institution. I spend hours on the phone every day with his father and step-mother obsessing over every minute detail of the situation. Going over the tone of his voice and the complexion of his skin. When he will be released.

His family has cut him off and told Scott not to call them. He is on his own should he get evicted from my old apartment and goes homeless. Him asking for help isn't enough. They want him to seek and get help on his own and only with a note from his doctor will they ever talk to him again.

I'm on board with the plan and have so far avoided the calls from the mental institution. He doesn't know that I know and part of me wants to tell him off on my own, but the other part of me knows I can't put myself in that situation without being manipulated so I'm staying away.

It's starting to negatively affect me. Today at my new job they had a company luncheon and I had to fight back tears over the thought of meeting strangers and having to talk to them. I've become morosely shy, afraid of opening my mouth and the dirty truth about my life falling out while watching the horrified look on their faces. What they must think about someone who allowed all this to happen to her. So as long as I don't get to know them, they won't find out about me. It's become paralyzing.

23 comments:

Lauri said...

It's smart that you continue to avoid the calls...keep doing that - he's running out of options and he knows it. You are not responsible for where he is or how he got there and you should not torture yourself with the "what if" scenarios (i know - easy for me to say)

Please be proud of the fact that you got out before it was too late - people don't need to know where you've been or what your story is - just be friendly and do your job - your strength and confidence will come back...congrats on finding the new job! That's a huge step in the right direction!!

HUGS to ya!

Jewels said...

You can't beat yourself up over his cunning ability to hide his addiction and be manipulative. You just wanted to see the good in him because you loved him.

And that's okay.

Your feelings and disappointment with Scott not paying his bills and unable to support you finacially and emotionally when you needed it do matter. They are important to you and regardless of Scott's situation and where he is now your feelings are real and relavant.

Remember they do matter.

Keeping the communication to NULL is a good thing. It will hopefully help him address his issues and it will help you start over and get your bearings. Lauri is right. You don't have to tell people your story and if they ask you have every right to say, your not interested in discussing it at this time. Or just out right change the subject. Take care of you.

Stay strong, you are doing an awesome job!

Hugs.

Peach said...

oh my god. I am so sorry. jeeze, I am glad you are managing to ignore the calls and to keep your head straight enough to still go to work and to blog and to pretend even a bit that you're ok. Even though you're not feeling it, this will get better. What a terrible terrible situation, I can't quite believe it. I don't know if I can do anything, but if I can, please let me know. Even if you just wanna talk, I'll call you back and pay for the call. Sarah, take care of YOU now xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

AfterGirl said...

I would say you need to go to Al Anon. it is a group for people in a relationship with Alcoholics. Then you will see that you are not alone and are not stupid.

God Bless you, keep going one hour at a time.

dawn said...

Don't you dare put this on yourself with the "why didn't I see it?" and "what will people think of me?" stuff.

You didn't see it because Scott didn't want you to and/or you didn't want to believe it anyway.

People won't think anything bad about you. Quite the opposite -- they'll be impressed with your strength, your resolve, and your power to overcome.

Don't be hard on yourself. Scott did that enough. Be gentle with yourself. Be good to yourself.

Fenz said...

you can't control other people, especially ones with drug & alcohol problems. You cannot blame yourself for any of this, what he did he did entirely to himself.

You are right to avoid the calls, realistically you should be cutting him out of your life for good. Yes you may still feel bad for his situation, however it is his own doing and only HE can change himself, no one else can. Until that day comes, if it ever does come, anything anyone else does is completely futile.

It's time for you to look after yourself, focus on healing your own wounds. You need to be surrounded by love and strength. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Much love to you. It'll get easier every day. You're healing and I am proud of you for skipping his calls.

Remember no matter what he says to you, he isn't calling you out of love for you, concern, true support. Even if he says the words, it doesn't mean he feels them.

It's okay to talk about simple subjects, avoid details with your co-workers. The interaction will feel good :)

I just took a class on Drugs/abuse, I used to live with a druggie and it is SO EASY to just not suspect their drug use. Don't beat yourself up, it was his choice to deceive you, you were just trying to be a good person and he shat on that.

xooxo

-Dont Eat The Token

kristinblakely said...

i really just want to hug you. like, tell you that it's all okay, that everyone fights their own ghosts no matter how big or how small, and drive to where you are and let you know that you're not alone. that you have a friend. you have lots of friends. you have people that care about you and that understand. and nobody, not one person, can ever say anything because no one can possible understand what you're going through unless they've been through it, every step of the way, themselves.

i also want you to know that i have some wild women at my office. and they tell some really great stories about the men in their life. and i have some not so wild women in my office. and even they tell some great stories about the men in their life - the men they didn't know had separate lives.

and maybe, just maybe, you'll meet someone someday, and you'll story could even change their life.

xo

Anonymous said...

"And I certainly feel like the catalyst that made so many things go wrong so very quickly."

No. You were the finger in the dam that would've burst a long time ago. Now you can spend all of your energy on healing yourself.

susy said...

"It's always darker before the dawn." I know this to be true from my very own personal experiences and I want to share this mantra with you because it's done wonders for me...just when I think I'm about to lose the last of my sanity and belief that I will overcome.

Try it, please!It might just help you get from one minute to the next but at this point, every little bit of faith in goodness helps. Prayers do too and mine are with you.

gekkogirl said...

oh babe:( I just echo what everyone else has already said. altho its hard please try not to see yourself as being responsible for Scott or his addictions. You're not.

An addict is so caught up in feeding their addiction they cannot do anything else and that involves all sorts of manipulations and hiding the truth.

Scott was lucky to have you. He is lucky that there is a system that he is(hopefully) benefiting from but that's where your involvement ends.

Now it's time for you to do all the things that YOU need for YOU. It may feel weird to interact with completely new people but you can start over and they don't need to know anything of your past. It may even be a nice relief to speak with new people.

lots and lots of love xxx

Lpeg said...

Wow. I am so sorry that you were ever put in that situation. I do feel for Scott, as this seems to be bigger than something he can fix himself, but I really feel bad for you, getting swept up into his problems and having to face this challenge, essentially alone, now.

You did good when you got out of there, and you know that not speaking with him is a good thing. You're making the good decisions now, however much they tear at your heart. Hang in there. I hope things turn around for you.

*hugs*

AmyB said...

Oh Sarah, this is terrible!!! I feel so sad for Scott, and for you because you are forced to stand by and not do anything about it. I know this might sound cold, but I personally think it would be best if you cut off communication with his parents. The more you know about the situation, the less you are able to focus on getting your own life back together. I'm so happy you found another job (congrats and good luck!!!), but I also feel like this situation is going to hurt your own sooner than later if you keep internalizing and inviting it into your new world. As hard as it might be to go cold turkey, you aren't going to be doing ANYONE any favors if you keep trying to help at arms length. This isn't your burden to carry. You HAVE done everything you could do, and this ISN'T your fault. I think deep down, you know this. It's just hard to admit, because it means you failed at being able to help him. It's time for him to help himself now. I hope he does, and soon... :'o(

Erin said...

Please do not blame yourself for not knowing that he was a drug addict. I've dated TWO major drug addicts and had absolutely NO IDEA. If someone does not want you to know who they really are, you won't.

The best thing you can do for yourself and Scott is to remove yourself from situation entirely. You are a crutch for Scott and he is a roadblock for you. Being in each other's lives will only hamper both of your recoveries.

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

Good luck. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

nuttycow said...

This is not your fault. Please, please know that. Sadly, only Scott can sort himself out now.

As Lauri says, be proud that you're out of it now.

Lisa Chelle said...

Don't let this make you doubt you. It was his problem...you aren't responsible for his actions.

I am happy for you and the new job!

After my dad died, I went to Anon and it helps to know you are not alone. Stay strong.

Katherine said...

You have to do a nearly impossible task: you need to ignore all of Scott's pleas for assistance. He may contact you to threaten to kill himself (which is a manipulation for attention) or to try to apologize (which he is doing not out of guilt, but out of the hope that if he acts contrite enough, you will get back together with him). Do not take his calls, open his emails or have any contact with him or his family for at least one year. If you need to quit your job and move in order to save yourself, do so. And whenever he does contact you and you feel yourself weakening or feel guilty about not speaking to him remember that this is the guy who:

A. choked you more than once

B. Took a shit in your car

C. Stole your car after you asked him not to drive it.

D. I'm sure you can think of something equally awful to list here.

Take care of Scott is no longer your responsibility. Let his parents deal with him - and if they cannot, the courts and mental institutions must. You need to save yourself now.

Paige Jennifer said...

I know this is hard to believe but it will pass, there is an end to this storm. Pop up the umbrella, grab the rails and hang on. And lean on people who will remind you that the sun will return soon enough.

Enny said...

Oh my.

Like everyone else here has said, it is in no way your fault that this has happened - do stay strong and please do take the best care you can.

Jessica said...

This is not your fault, people with addictions learn how to hide things from those around them.

Hugs, Jess.

MamaBear said...

What Anonymous said: You were just staving off the inevitable. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being his emotional crutch, running interference between him and himself, between him and the rest of the world?

No, you do not. First, because no one deserves that. Least of all you, but you don't know that yet.

Second, because it will shred you, and then you'll be gone, literally, and he'll crumble anyway.

Don't take his calls. The pattern is not broken, and he'll manipulate you into oblivion all over again.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

I haven't been checking in, I thought you stopped blogging. Wow. Just. wow.

I know it seems unbearable now, but you are stronger than you realize. A year from now when you look back on today, you will be proud of how strong you were and how you overcame this sh1tstorm of life events all at the same time.

TexInTheCity said...

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault...

 

© 2005 - 2013 He Loves Me Not
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - Noncommercial - Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

template by suckmylolly.com