~Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sabotage

I mentioned earlier that I've had a few set backs with Christopher. The thing is he doesn't know about them; they were all self-inflicted freak-outs on my part.

M-Joy got a frantic e-mail from me earlier this month when I panicked because Chrtistopher was being KIND and HONEST and AFFECTIONATE. I apparently took this as a sign from the devil.

"Ok, I am having a really hard time wrapping my brain around this affection," I wrote. "What's with the sudden and dramatic change? Does a guy just make a decision like that and commit to it?

"And my problem for you is I apparently still haven't gotten over some of the disappointments I experienced with him last time 'cause I'm still bringing that stuff up and kind of retroactively scolding him. I am beginning to think that I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like even if it bit me in the face, and I don't think I know how to be in one."

M-Joy is one of the few people in my life who gives really solid advice that I should follow 100% of the time. We e-mailed back and forth, her calming me down with each e-mail until she wrote something that just clicked:

"You are so concerned with missing a warning sign that everything is a warning sign."

And that's why I threw a minor fit because he kissed me in a Blockbuster Video.

***

But slowly my issues surfaced yet again. I had somehow then decided that Christopher's attention towards me was self-serving and superficial.

On my way home from a date with myself late one Friday night, my phone lit up in the darkened car with a text from Christopher. He read my Facebook status about happy hour with friends and was checking up on my whereabouts. I responded (too quickly) and turned up the volume of the CD I was listening to as if the deafening music could drown out the thoughts in my head of why is he just contacting me now after a few days of silence. All I got out of it was an ear ache.

He invites me over for yet another Saw and I leave for his house immediately because it's almost midnight. I arrive in the city for the 3rd time that day after putting in a very full Friday of work and social activities. He showered. He shaved. He ran out and bought beer. My pink beer coozy I left at his apartment was frozen and waiting for me, but I wasn't impressed because Christopher had been inconsistent that week.

After the movie, Christopher felt like a bath. I chuckled to myself. I remember this. I knew what was coming from the same night over 3 years ago. He made a hot bubble bath. Lit candles. Turned off the lights and put in a Harry Connick, Jr. CD. I assumed the position, the same as last time, craddled between his legs Pretty Woman-style as he scooped water and poured it on me.

I was not impressed. I was too caught up in the inconsitency of his affection and whether or not he truly liked me. And I'm smart enough to know that if I have to ask myself that question then I already know the answer. I'm too busy seeing his game and writing off the night to even consider he's trying to be romantic.

"Forever, for Now" begins to play and Harry Connick, Jr. croons, "If nothing lasts forever/I guess I better/Take you forever/For now." I openly scoff.

"What?" he asks.

"That's such a guy thing to say," I sneer.

"What? Forever for now?"

"Yep."

The chorus repeats itself and I scoff again, so much so that Christopher skips the CD ahead to the next song.

And then he washes my hair. Okay, that move was a bit surprising. He leaned forward and kissed the nape of my neck. I was so panic-stricken in confusion that I didn't even respond. This was new and unexpected. I began considering the possibility that I may have been wrong. My mind is whirling as he tries again and I at least have the capacity to kiss him back and make out with him a little.

We end up in bed. Afterwards he says he's sore because it's been so long since he was with someone and he's out of shape. And then he wants to know why I'm not sore. When I stayed silent, trying to wrap my head around this whole night, he presses again implying that I'm not sore because I'm with other people. I kissed his shoulder and told him he would be the only reason that I would be sore and I wonder what kind of sick game is he playing. Does he care or is he just being the biggest asshole ever?

And that was the night the inconsitency stopped. It turned out I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. Christopher cared and I almost missed it because I was making up scenarios in my head. I wish I could have that night over again just so I could enjoy it this time.

It's made me question all of my judgments with Christopher. It's quite possible that all the doubt I had in my head regarding him was my own sabotage. He was different last time too, but I think I really was the cause of my own demise years ago.

8 comments:

gekkogirl said...

Thank goodness for good friends! So good to hear things are on track with Christopher. Don't be too hard on yourself though! xx

Curvy girl said...

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. I'm also guilty of being so paranoid about something bad coming that I create it just to get it over with. I'm working really hard not to do that in my current relationship and just enjoy the moments as they come. It's hard to get that little insecure voice to shut up, but the rewards for doing so are so much greater.

Biro Chic said...

Just relax and enjoy the moments like you said he may be truly honest n nothing behind his being good

TexInTheCity said...

Remember to stay in the moment. People can and sometimes do change, look at all of the changes you are making and have made! Enjoy this new chapter in your life. You deserve it!

SuvvyGirl said...

We live, we learn, and make a repeat of that night. Go light the candles and stuff and let yourself enjoy it!!

singleinthecirclecity said...

Glad to hear things are picking back up... And seriously I did that with Mr. Facebook, going back and forth with trying to figure out if I liked him or not. But now I couldn't be happier to be with someone who really cares about me. So give it some time... you never know what you might uncover. You might find he is the best thing for you in this season of your life.

Peach said...

hmm, I hate to go against the grain here (and against the general feeling of other commenters and M-Joy) but you HAVE just been through a hell of a lot with Scott - and if Christopher hurt you in the past, your INTELLIGENCE says, be careful.

I'm not saying things aren't different - they sound great and as if he's really changed (from what you say) - but I completely understand where you're coming from and you do so with good reason -

- even if you're actually wrong this time with your worries!

See what I mean ?

XX

AmyB said...

Wow, this post hit home for me, since I see in retrospect that I used to do the same exact thing to men of my past. I'd think, "Why doesn't he tell me he loves me?" Ohhhh, probably because I refused to give all of myself to him, instead relying on my girlfriends for moral support, "just in case?" Heh. Self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone? The fact that you realize you most likely played as much a part in the previous demise as he did is HUGE. I mean, GIGANTICALLY huge. We all play a part in our happiness AND sadness. If you choose this time around to trust and enjoy, instead of putting on the brakes in your head (because, naturally, you can't be hurt if you never allow yourself to really CARE...), this just might work out. Congrats on getting a step further into this whirlwind of a process! :o)

 

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