Combating Crazy

I didn't even get to click "Publish" until the next wave of assault began.

S called me yesterday for the first time in around 4 months. All of a sudden I was grateful for his menacing text last week because I now knew the number and knew to avoid it.

It didn't stop my stomach from dropping at the realization it was him.

I felt nauseated.

I felt dizzy.

He left a long message and I stared at my phone like it was diseased. Then my phone rang again and it was him again. He left another message again.

I didn't want to listen to them, but I knew I had to. It's the same reason I haven't blocked his e-mail. I have to know if he's threatening me so I can protect myself.

I don't know what I expected. They could either be cussing me out for not allowing his last text to have a response, or they could be manipulative and apologetic to try to get me to contact him. I did not think it was going to be this:

He called me as if nothing happened. As if he didn't threaten me and my family. As if he didn't harass me via text. His lawsuit against the car that hit him way back when is going to court and he wanted more copies of the pictures I took and for me to testify on his behalf. Then he demanded I call him back to confirm I received his message.

IS THAT NOT THE STUPIDEST SHIT YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?

I laughed it off. I was in a blind rage over his entitlement, but I still laughed it off.

And then I listened to the second message. He said he just called his lawyers and I can expect to hear from them. And if I don't cooperate, they are going to find me and subpoena me.

The blind rage mixed with intense fear.

I felt my skin flush.

I felt my chest tighten.

I felt myself begin to sweat.

I have taken very deliberate steps so that he could not find out where I live and where I work. My driver's license and car registration still uses an old address. My bills are sent to my mother's house with the exception of my power bill, which is under a different name. The only people who have been to my apartment are my mom, my dad, and my boyfriend. You need to get by three security access points to get to my apartment door. My apartment is my safe haven. And now all he has to do is get his lawyer to subpoena me and my information will be a part of his case file.

These are my options:

• Ignore it. Ignore him and the lawyers and maybe they'll decide I'm not worthwhile.


• Call up Little Lizard Insurance company, who he is suing, and give them the proper information they need to make this sham suit go away. (He lied on his police report and I know all the information that they can connect the dots with). If the suit is dropped, then no need to involve me.

That's about all I got.

Also, I'm thinking about dropping by the police station and starting a paper trail. Maybe file domestic violence report from last March. I have the pictures from when he choked me. My mother has her own set of pictures too.

I felt shame.

With every nutty thing he does, I layer guilt on myself for ever being with him when he is so obviously insane.

I went home last night and mechanically poured a large glass of red wine and mechanically watched The Biggest Loser. It's so exhausting living this way. Combating crazy when it isn't even my crazy. Struggling to keep me of sound mind and body.

I no longer felt anxious or angry or fearful.

I felt nothing.

I sat on the couch and tried to feel. I thought of the two friends I frantically sought advice from and tried to feel comfort. I thought of Christopher and tried to feel love. But I couldn't stir up anything, which, frankly, is a little frightening.

I feel hollow.

I feel dead inside.